Was this a difficult childhood?

[beautifulworldwhereareyou]

I’ve suffered with anxiety my whole life although it’s now better than it’s ever been. I also have a history of low mood and self harm (haven’t done it in YEARS). I never thought I had any reason to feel this way but over the past year I’ve been thinking about my childhood.

I certainly had a very easy childhood compared to so, so many people and I completely appreciate the privilege I had. I grew up without lots of money but everything I needed. I have half siblings who I have spent my whole life with. Without going into detail, they experienced awful events. I’m much younger than them and didn’t know anything about it. However, as a result of it all the house was so incredibly tense all the time. My mum used to scream at me and I constantly had this pervasive level of guilt which I feel like was due to knowing there was something going on but not knowing what and assuming it was my fault.

I had emetophobia and often felt sick and would be told I was thinking myself into things. I just always felt as though I had done something wrong or was a failure in some way. I feel incredibly lucky that my parents shielded me from what went on and I could in no way compare my experience to that of my siblings. But it was hard for me too… I never understood why everyone was so tense and why I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time.

I have always desperately tried to fit in (not anymore) and wanted to belong. When I was about 13 or 14 I went to a family friend’s party and there was a man there who took a shine to me. When I went to bed in my sleeping bag he came into my room and I can’t really remember what happened but I definitely don’t think it was anything serious. I know he leaned over me and said something in my ear but that’s all I remember. I just felt an incredible sense of shame.

I have an eating disorder now and I wonder if all this has played into it.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for here. Perhaps just to vent.

Hey, are you able to talk to your mum about it?

@JamesBlond we have discussed it. We have a wonderful relationship now and I would hate for her to feel guilty. The whole situation was super hard on her too and I probably wouldn’t have handled it well either if I was her.

There's no external verifying body to validate your feelings. When you realise that if you found it difficult, it was difficult, you'll start to respect your feelings more, and your anxiety will drop.

There's no 'right' way to feel, so you can't have the 'wrong' feeling about something. Whatever you feel, 100% of the time, is right. It's a manifestation of who you are, with all your past experiences and your mindset and your emotional lessons and scars and successes, every feeling you have is a demonstration of you, and always has been. If you found it hard, it was hard, and nobody can tell you different.

You could probably do with talking about it to someone who was there at the time.
Maybe a sibling, although it sounds like they might have trauma and you may have reasons not to bring up with them.
Maybe your mum.
Even a family friend who was around enough to see it as it was. Could there be someone your age, or older?
You need a witness. Someone who can validate your feelings about how you grew up.

You sound a bit lost and confused. And minimising your experience. The incident with the family friend... You sound like deep down you know there's more to it?

Believe yourself. You know what wasn't right. Even if others experienced 'worse', you have grown up in a really unsettling environment by the sound of it.

Good luck

it sounds like because you perceive your half siblings to have had a far worse time you minimise your experiences and not wish for anyone to feel guilty

It sounds very hard for you - that is ok it doesnt take anything away from anyone else

Thank you so much for your replies. I think it sounds laughable for me to say I had it hard when others in my life had it so much harder. I think it was just such a weird environment and I internalised a lot of it and thought it was my fault.

Nobody else's experience has anything to do with how hard you found your experience. It's internal to you. It's to do with your feelings about the situation and about yourself.

If their leg was broken in two places and your leg was broken in one place, would your leg be broken?

I know you’re right. I think it’s because I always thought and said that I had a happy childhood and it wasn’t until something happened last year that I started to reevaluate it and I realised how much I was affected by the whole thing.

I am a teacher and if a child in my class experienced what I did, I would consider it something I needed to know about in handovers etc. But it still seems like an overreaction. I guess with my eating disorder I began wondering where it came from.

I think you're a little afraid to lift the lid off it all.

Do you think you would be able to cope with addressing the 'family friend' incident with a counselor at a rape crisis centre? You were targeted by a grown man for unwanted contact.