Child custody

[Mummy172113]

What's your child arrangements with ex partners?! He hasn't bothered for 6 months now wants shared custody and expects 12hours every weekend as a start. Its going through court and Ive been asking him do contact centre start build bond/trust with kids which he's refusing

I do 50/50 with my ex but that’s fairly recent and we’ve built up to it over the last 7 years. He started with just daytime contact at the weekend and then gradually increased the time.

Nothing, hasn’t seen them in 18 months...personally I would have liked 50/50 but he would never have went for it wouldn’t even have them over night 🤷‍♀️

Do you have it in writing he is refusing? There is your evidence for court that he is not interested in building a relationship with his own children

How old are they?

BTW ex 1 walked away when he had another child on the way ex 2 is down to a couple of hours a week with one of his two children (with me) I did try to increase ex 2 contact I begged him to have them overnight to have them longer he never had them overnight and would make a BIG DEAL about having them longer "for me" slag me off to the kids claiming I was money obsessed and out on a date (I was doing the weekly shop after spending 40 hours at work that week) and then he would call me up and demand I collect the children immediately...five hours early

I gave up

How old are the kids? If we’re talking babies or young toddlers 12 hours at a stretch will be too much but it won’t take long to build up to that. Make sure the goal is building up to full weekends every other weekend (and potentially some time in the week too) NOT all weekend every weekend. You want weekends with your kids too.

Kids are ages 4, 5 and 7. We left because of domestic abuse in October and he's attempting to make himself the victim by saying im lying and manipulating the kids.

He has stated in a message to my parents that he won't be going a contact centre as everything I'm doing is illegal, hes demanding just have the kids at his house which they do not want -my 7 year olds waiting for camhs referral due to emotional trauma and anxiety caused by his issues relating to his dadS behaviour (he escalated and started making threats to the kids)

Contact centre seems reasonable after 6 months no contact. You could also suggest starting off with shorter meetings with you present to start with (if you’re willing to do that) or short meetings with someone the kids know and trust and see very regularly (your parents maybe?).

Ok, the domestic abuse is extremely relevant here. The problem is not that he fucked off for 6 months and couldn’t be bothered to contact the kids. The problem is that you and the kids had to leave because he was making you all feel unsafe. Get help from the agencies/your solicitor OP. You want whatever you’re offering in terms of contact to be safe and to be backed up by social services/your solicitor’s recommendation.

I have a non mol against him so I can't be there unfortunately. He was seeing them with my parents when we first left but he decided that he was asked to do that because of control and refused to continue.

All I've asked is for him build the time up with them slowly and take it at the kids pace. Start with contact centre for a few weeks then move on to an hour at a park or so then eventually to his house for longer - I don't want to risk my kids mental wellbeing because hes wanting everything his own way.

For one, I do hope that cafcass will be getting involved as for your oldest child to have the after effects of his fathers abuse and needing to be under the care of Camhs proves that he should not be left alone with the children, so I hope the judge orders contact centre for it. Basically he can't refuse that really as it's been ordered and if he does it will have serious affect on the whole outcome of the case.

I'm no expert and obviously don't know the full case but I've been through family court and it's bloody tough. I had the most wonderful case worker from cafcass and an excellent solicitor.

I've had my first cafcas call but they didn't seem to listen at all so my solicitor is stepping in once the legal aids been sorted. It's proving to be a nightmare! We worked with new era too to help us leave so hoping that will back up the kids needs

You were given a non-molestation order for a reason. Get in contact with your solicitor or your or your children’s social worker or your domestic violence advisor and ask them what is advised in terms of interim child contact before the case gets to court in situations like yours. Then broken record the offer every time your ex brings it up.

My first call with them I didn't feel listened to either. But always remember you're doing this for your children not for him. I know we want to feel like we are doing our best and being fair, but the court will always do what they feel is best for the children going from the information they have.

Thats what I have been doing, the standard "unless it's at a contact centre we'll wait for a hearing date" but its frustrating to keep having a barrage of abuse. I do want to work with him but refuse to compromise on their safety and well being.

It's just hard knowing if your doing the right thing when it's constant threats and intimidation - if I don't let him have kids he'll go.for full custody etc

I'm really hoping get an idea of how the courts would expect build it up - contact centre then 2 hours at home etc until the kids are happy stay longer 🙈

Ok you need to ask for a fact finding hearing re: the allegations of domestic abuse.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/a-guide-to-fact-finding-hearings/

Make sure you have collected all your evidence and provided it to your solicitor and CAFCASS officer.

Without a FF allegations of DA won't be taken into account re: contact arrangements.

I'd also say a period of 6 months without contact won't necessarily be considered as an unduly long period of time, especially for your elder children.

My suggestion is that you speak to your CAFCASS officer and ask to be put on an ICFA (improving child and family arrangements program).

They are run by approved organisations with trained staff who work with both parents and children to reduce conflict and assist in developing a forward contact plan that is in the children's best interests.

The concept is that by the end of the programme forward plans will be agreed and presented to court.

Most ICFA (but not all) providers are child contact centres and start with supervised contact and build from there.

This link should direct you to the local directory of ICFA providers in your area.

ICFA doesn't always work, but it does in a lot of cases and is far less stressful than battling through court.

Sorry link: www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/improving-child-and-family-arrangements/

My ex never formed a bond with our two old son. I have given Sunday contact.

For context, he tried to kicked us out of his when he was 10 weeks old. I stupidly persuaded him to keep us due to recovering from birth. Having no where to live. He was very controlling. Still is. Until I eventually left when he was 6 months old with nothing but the clothes on our back. He refused to drop anything off for our son. So I had to start completely from fresh. He still continues to cancel last minute and on important dates like both of his birthdays. For reasons lije I overslept. He still makes me give him food and nappies. When he does have access he forced me to get a 40 minute train. To drop him off as he was threatening to not pay child maintenance was deliberately not feeding him. Dropping him very late with no communication. Forcing both me and my son to be distressed. As he routine would out of balance. All he ever done is take him to his parents house who have 6 dogs massive micro pig. causing my son to come home with scratches and bruises. Even recently telling me doggy bit me. When I tried to say anything politely about that many animals being around him. He said our son was liar. I don't understand how a 2 year can lie and show me biten mark on his wrist.

He taken me to court now for more access. Which I find upsetting as his family are rich so the fees are nothing to them. I'm having to use my life savings. Which isn't much at all.

In august we had online court hearing. I was really upset thinking I would lose my son to overnight stay. I was really surprised by how much went into my favour.They couldn't make agreement so it has to go to final hearing in March 2023. However, it was suggested that instead of taking our son to Wolverhampton he could do alternative weeks whereby he takes him round stoke. He refused. When suggesting to pick him up at 9am dropping him off at 6pm to gain two hours for the travel he refused. When asking about bed for overnight stay. He said he hasnt got one. So it couldnt go ahead. He mentioned how it takes him 4 hours driving. Really only 2 for our son. Who probably sleep in the car. So I'm still forced to catch a train on weekly bssic. Which is not only expensive. It hard work to walk 30 minute to the station then travel with 2 year old fir another 40 minutes. Who regularly travel sick get bored and has tantrums. When we arrive my son will do anything in his power to not go with him. Which upsets us both as no parent like seeing his child like that.

I was wondering if anyone got any advice who gone through similar experience. Did the father get overnight stay?. Im worried he will be granted but my son won't be looked after. He just be kept around his parents house for longer period of time. As he never built that relationship up. I genuinely do think this will continue. If it wasn't for parents i dont believe he would bother at all.

My ex never formed a bond with our two old son. I have given Sunday contact.

For context, he tried to kicked us out of his when he was 10 weeks old. I stupidly persuaded him to keep us due to recovering from birth. Having no where to live. He was very controlling. Still is. Until I eventually left when he was 6 months old with nothing but the clothes on our back. He refused to drop anything off for our son. So I had to start completely from fresh. He still continues to cancel last minute and on important dates like both of his birthdays. For reasons lije I overslept. He still makes me give him food and nappies. When he does have access he forced me to get a 40 minute train. To drop him off as he was threatening to not pay child maintenance was deliberately not feeding him. Dropping him very late with no communication. Forcing both me and my son to be distressed. As he routine would out of balance. All he ever done is take him to his parents house who have 6 dogs massive micro pig. causing my son to come home with scratches and bruises. Even recently telling me doggy bit me. When I tried to say anything politely about that many animals being around him. He said our son was liar. I don't understand how a 2 year can lie and show me biten mark on his wrist.

He taken me to court now for more access. Which I find upsetting as his family are rich so the fees are nothing to them. I'm having to use my life savings. Which isn't much at all.

In august we had online court hearing. I was really upset thinking I would lose my son to overnight stay. I was really surprised by how much went into my favour.They couldn't make agreement so it has to go to final hearing in March 2023. However, it was suggested that instead of taking our son to Wolverhampton he could do alternative weeks whereby he takes him round stoke. He refused. When suggesting to pick him up at 9am dropping him off at 6pm to gain two hours for the travel he refused. When asking about bed for overnight stay. He said he hasnt got one. So it couldnt go ahead. He mentioned how it takes him 4 hours driving. Really only 2 for our son. Who probably sleep in the car. So I'm still forced to catch a train on weekly bssic. Which is not only expensive. It hard work to walk 30 minute to the station then travel with 2 year old fir another 40 minutes. Who regularly travel sick get bored and has tantrums. When we arrive my son will do anything in his power to not go with him. Which upsets us both as no parent like seeing his child like that.

I was wondering if anyone got any advice who gone through similar experience. Did the father get overnight stay?. Im worried he will be granted but my son won't be looked after. He just be kept around his parents house for longer period of time. As he never built that relationship up. I genuinely do think this will continue. If it wasn't for parents i dont believe he would bother at all.

Does anyone know the legal age a child has to be able to choose which parent they live with ?

Does anyone know what the legal age is for a child to decide what parent they live with ?

Can anyone advise on the legal age that a child has to be to be able to decide which parent they want to live with?

Hello @user1486133359

You might be better off starting your own thread - people might miss your posts at the end of this one.

And you might find the following article helpful. Look like legally the answer is 16, but children over 12 can have a say:

www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-may-aug-2017/at-what-age-can-a-child-choose-who-to-live-with/#:~:text=In%20England%20and%20Wales%20a,t%20have%20any%20legal%20standing.