I don’t know if I love DH anymore!

[FantaIce]

I have been with my husband since I was in my late teens, we settled down young and had a child, then went on to have another, we have a lovely house we saved hard for.
Recently, I realise I no longer feel the same about my DH, I don’t feel connected to him anymore and I don’t think I love him. It’s breaking my heart, he is a good man and father, he adores me and we have a great life.
I don’t know what to do, I cried about this last night because I don’t want to not love him anymore.

How much eye contact, affection, conversation and sex in your relationship? How many interests do you share? Do you spend a lot of time together or not enough do you think?

Do you feel like he loves you? What’s changed?

Maybe got out for dinner together just the 2 of you and see if there's any spark/eye contact. Sonetimes day to day life really gets in the way and romance goes totally out the window. I've had feelings of not wanting to sleep my current partner, the love doesn't go it just feels like there's no spark but usually if we make a bit more effort and go out for dinner just the 2 of us I realise we still have chemistry. So I'd go down that route and see how you feel afterwards. Don't do anything rash but don't ignore your feelings either. Also don't beat yourself up x

I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal.
Im guessing your kids are no longer tiny anymore, are older now and need you a bit less.
I think when that happens, we panic and start questioning our relationships. Because you realise the kids will be gone in a couple of years and it will just be us, is that enough?

I think if you feel resentment or contempt, then no there’s not coming back from that and it probably is over, but that doesn’t sound like it’s the case. It sounds like the romance and the love is gone but I think you probably owe it to yourself, husband and your family to try to see if you can get it back.

It may be no, there’s nothing to be done but you have to try. You need to tell your husband youre feeing a little lost and youre not sure what love looks like in your relationship.

Down throw the towel in. Don’t cry and feel sorry for yourself. Get up, take a hard look at everything. Assess what you need to do and what your husband needs to do to try and make it better. Give yourself time. If after trying it doesn’t work and you still feel the same, well at least you know you did all you could and will feel no guilt.

Good luck 🤞

When this happened to me it turned out I was having a relapse into depression. 25mg sertraline fixed it pretty quickly. I'm off the pills again now but I'm still in love with my husband.

@MolliciousIntent sorry hope you don't mind me asking an I don't want to crash the thread but wondered if I could ask you something?
I've just been prescribed sertraline but haven't started taking them yet. I've never been on these kinds of tablets before so I'm a bit hesitant. How long did it to take before they started to make a difference and was there any side effects? X

@DaisyRain543 I've PMed you

We don’t spend much time together but I feel we no longer have any common interests now that we’re older.
The feeling is getting stronger and even sex feels difficult. I’ve felt this way for a while but I have been in denial. I don’t know why after all this time, I suddenly feel this way.

Different relationship length etc but I feel the same about my DP. Long term relationship. Kids. I care a lot about him but I just don't think I love him romantically. I've been in denial for a long time but I'm gradually coming to accept my feelings. I can't face breaking up our family and security though.

This happens to lots of couples. People just change. Relationships that start when you have little life experience are vulnerable as you develop as a person. Unless you grow int the same direction, then splits appear. How old are your kids?

@FantaIce Not spending much quality together wouldn't help things. Maybe have a chat with him and say you want to try and fix things as the relationship seems a bit stale at the mo. That's if you want to try. Communication is defo the best step in my opinion either way. Hope you figure things out

Quality time together that was supposed to say

Could you work on this. Date nights etc drop a few hits about losing the spark and see if he can help get it back??

I feel the same as you but I’m older. We haven’t had sex in a long time, I don’t know how long but it’s over 2 years. We are two people living together.

You can fall back in love again, I did after feeling like you for a long time, you need to reconnect

I recommend Esther Perel's book Dating in Captivity

Hs he done anything to cause resentment ?
Lying, drinking, too much time at the gym ?

Try to remember what you did love about him. Make a list of things you loved about him. look at old photos of the two of you. Imagine how you would feel if he died or was diagnosed with a life threatening illness.

Love changes as time passes - it is just how life is. It is no good to hanker after something that went before - it was something appropriate to that phase of your life. It is worth looking at what is good in your relationship in this phase of your life. And it will all change again when the children leave home. Worth considering that there may be value in these changes. Just a thought.

Thank you for all of the responses, it has given me some things to think about. I think if I told him how I felt, he would say the marriage was over, he’s quite pragmatic.

Just wanted to say you're not alone OP- my husband is lovely and has done nothing wrong but the spark has totally gone- I really have to psyche myself up for sex with him and he just irritates me quite a lot. But I don't know how to broach it with him because I think he'll just get defensive and it will be just a massive, unproductive argument.

Long term relationships take work and are rarely amazing the whole time.

You can get back the love. Have a good chat and plan some nice things to do together

Not alone at all. I think many go through this. Kids get older and independent and you're left evaluating the relationship. I think of you have a supportive equal partner then relationships survive but if not resentment creeps in and that can change your feelings.
For me it's the latter, and I'm not sure what the answer is.

I can understand if resentment has crept in why you might fall out of love. But those of you saying the spark has gone....seriously?! How can you expect to have a spark there after being together years and years? Is it me or don't you just have the spark there when it's a new relationship? If we expected the spark to be there forever then we'd have to just jump from relationship to relationship all our lives. Fully prepared for u all to tell me that my relationship isn't normal and that it's normal to keep a spark there forever.

I dont love my DH. We are mid 50s been married 27 years. I feel irritated by him about 80% of the time. We live fairly separate lives in the same house. I think I'm only still with him because I dont want to give him half my pension / savings / house.