Protecting yourself when you're online dating

[peachgreen]

I was widowed around two years ago and have just started taking tentative steps into the world of online dating. I definitely feel ready and the fact that my first date went really well (even though we decided not to take things further) proved to me that it's the right time.

HOWEVER, I have literally never done this whole dating thing before and I am finding it really tough! My natural tendency is to rush in to things (DH and I moved in together two weeks after our first date!) and of course now that I have a child not only can I not do that, I also don't want to. Or at least I don't want to want to...

How can you protect yourself emotionally when online dating? How do I stop overanalysing and catastrophising - like "he hasn't replied all day, he must have gone off me" etc etc? Is there nothing else for it but therapy?! (Please say no, I can't afford it.)

And also, just in general: any top tips for someone with an anxious attachment style (I'm working on it!) when it comes to dating?

any top tips for someone with an anxious attachment style

When your attachment style gets triggered, if you can't talk to the person who triggered it about how you're feeling, leave.

That's all you need to do to turn into a securely attached person. You'll end up with someone who meets your needs, and who, when things aren't perfect, you can turn to. You won't have all the self torture stuff.

I'd say buckle up. I have an anxious attachment style and the nature of OLD has pushed me to the edge at times. Take it SLOWLY. Learn the red flags (plenty of threads here) and set strict cast iron boundaries.

It does teach you things though. If you can take the knocks, it strengthens you. You can learn how to deal with rejection healthily which is something i always battle with. Experience toughens you!

Know that it may not work out with the first guy you meet..or the second....or third but that it takes patience to find the right fit x

You don't have to 'learn the red flags'. That's how to develop an anxious attachment style. There's nothing external to you that you have to learn. A red flag is a feeling that you have. Yes, there are universal triggers (nobody likes abuse, so that triggers the same feeling in all of us), but you will have your own individual things too. If you try to respond to a list of red flags you fee you should 'learn', you're essentially saying that some behaviours are ok and some are not, regardless of how you feel about them. This leads to a feeling of 'Am I feeling this correctly, or am I just being silly/overreacting?', which is the trademark of the anxious attachment style.

Don't 'learn the red flags'. Learn to recognise how you feel. If you don't like something, all you have to say is 'I don't like x/y/z'. The other person will either respond with defense, in which case you leave, or they will respond by caring about how you feel, in which case, you can hopefully resolve things.

There is nothing outside of your own emotional state that you have to recognise, except that it takes a while to get to know someone. Keep yourself emotionally in a state where if he leaves/messes you about, you've got enough emotional independence that you know you'll be ok. This is basic self respect and needs to be maintained throughout any relationship, including long term.

I agree with Watchkeys about red flags. When I started OLD there were a lot of things that were red flags to me that just aren't now, as I am probably in a different position emotionally and mentally. The thing I would recommend is to not emotionally invest too much in one man early on, and try to keep chatting to others so that someone is in a "reserve" position.

Honestly? See dates as an opportunity for fun, affection and sex.

Withdraw and cut contact the minute you feel uncomfortable or upset and don’t waste any of your time trying to make men into feminists (‘he called me babe’ 😨😨😨 etc 🙄) or people who are fit to
live in your house.

Don’t post here wondering what to do if he won’t prioritise time with you, block him. Don’t post here wondering what to do if he drinks too much, has a low sex drive, insults you, slags off his ex, doesn’t see his children……. block him.

The way he arrives is the way he is and the way he’ll stay. Is he fun, kind, able to deliver a quality sexual experience? Maybe you will meet your ideal man too. Anything is possible.

Enjoy ❤️

freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Do the online freedom programme and recognise the red flags and strengthen your boundaries. At the first sign of stupid shit, dump the bastard and move, on.

Read this thread on AIBU as a warning:
'Man I am seeing dropped a bit of a bombshell now I’m unsure what to do'

Don't treat it as looking for a relationship, treat it as a pleasant night out, when you've nothing else to do. Your priority is your DC, these men are not. They should not be your life, these are an added extra. Remember, they are virtually strangers to you, even after a few months.

I know it may sound negative but it's not and it also helps to make sure you have good boundaries and see red flags.

I also met my partner online and he is amazing and that was when I wasn't looking for a relationship lol

Read lalalaletmeexplain's book and follow her on Instagram. I'm evangelical about it but she talks such sense.

I agree with above, what I found freaked me out at the start has changed as I've gotten into it now. No one is perfect, and I've broadened my idea of who I find attractive in the time I've been doing it. That said, I'm also more aware of what I want as I've found it lacking in some of my interactions. Example being one really lovely guy, didn't trigger my anxious attachment style, but I felt like he was never really listening to me. So learned from that.

What I thought I wanted has changed lots too, and if I was to entertain the idea of a relationship, it would be vastly different to a traditional relationship.

Thank you so much everyone, this has given me a lot to think about. In terms of red flags I'm pretty strict about those - I would never tolerate bad behaviour and my DD will always come first - none of them will meet her! I think I know the difference between red flags and my own anxieties although I also know that I have pursued a relationship with someone avoidant before and that was a disaster, so probably one to watch out for.

I think a big part of the problem is that I find it very hard to appreciate that rejection isn't always about me. Any slight I assume is because of the way I look (I'm overweight, although I've recently lost 5 stone which is another headfuck tbh) and because of that I can't help but take it very personally and feel very hurt. It also makes me incredibly insecure.

I also had two very bad experiences in the past - one where someone I had a short but very intense relationship with dumped me via email after I had completely turned my life upside down to be with him, and the other where I discovered that the guy I was seeing - and living with for part of the week! - actually had a fiance and a whole other double life. So now I get very anxious around communication, absence, honesty etc. But these are not really things you can discuss in the early stages of dating!

@watchkeys I'm inclined to agree with you on a lot of things and I know from experience that over time, when my needs are met, my anxious attachment style becomes secure as this is what happened with my husband. But I'm also very aware that he was a rare gem, and extremely patient with me when I was, in hindsight, being very unreasonable. It feels like there has to be lines because if I'm brutally honest with myself, I wouldn't really feel secure unless someone was texting me constantly throughout the day, prioritising me over everything else, declaring their love for me instantly etc etc - all OBVIOUSLY unreasonable things (and things that I don't want to want, never mind knowing I shouldn't want). That's what I want to get a handle on - that obsessive need for contact and reassurance because I can't ask for something so unreasonable and it's me that suffers. I've taken one small step and turned off "last online" on WhatsApp, so no more obsessing over how long someone has been around without replying to me... Although I will probably still manage to do that. I'm a basket case.

I'm a basket case

This is your problem.

You can't choose what to want and need. You can't judge yourself for it. You can only judge yourself for how you choose to deal with it. If you respect your wants and needs, you'll be a respectful person, with a good level of self esteem. If you think your needs are stupid and need to be supressed, then you'll be a supressed person with a low level of self esteem, and piles of unmet needs.

Lots of people want lots of contact. Lots of people are good at understanding partners' insecurities. Stop viewing yourself as a basket-case. There's millions like you. Your anxieties will die a death when you start wanting to fulfill your needs, rather than supressing them.