I wouldn’t call DH abusive but he can be very unpleasant, made worse by us bringing out the worst in each other. I should have left ages ago but I feel a bit trapped, I plan to leave however I need advice on being less reactive to his moods and making myself miserable - example - he drives too fast, is arrogant on the road, I ask him to slow down or grip handle on the road - he gets really annoyed, will either sulk and drive even faster, more recklessly or tell me exasperatedly that I’m being dramatic and (I may be I was in a car accident when I was younger so I may be more sensitive). It then sets up a horrible atmosphere for the rest of the day.
Unfortunately, I have been blind and got myself in a situation where it’s hard (not impossible) to leave.
I fell pregnant a few months after we met, we moved to his home country a few years later, I have friends but no family here. The house was bought with inheritance from his family (uncle who died) - we are both on the deeds but his parents signed a JP witnessed document saying it was a gift to him and him only as an inheritance. I have only just started working after studying for a few years - it took me a longer time as I had to juggle it around kids when they were small. I am managing to save a tiny bit now each week. He mistakenly told me that his income was less due to not factoring in his company car so we were getting some gov benefit to my name as it put us below threshold - when social services balanced it his income was well over threshold so there is now a debt of a few thousand in my name to social services, it is being paid off from joint account.
Where we live has extremely high house prices and no rentals. Anywhere that doesn’t is at least 2 hours away. I am reluctant to move right now as I have built up support here and the children would have to move schools. I have no pension built up at all in this country as I have been here 7 years and only worked intermittently till now.
So basically, I’m thinking I can leave in a few years - ‘bad enough to leave good enough to stay’. When the kids are older, the debt is paid off, I can work more hours, hopefully progress in work and afford to leave and move into a small place.
The problem is now. It is hard to live with him. I realise that my plan may be seen as selfish and like I am using him until I don’t need him anymore and I do feel I may be being unfair to him. I have tried so hard though and told him that the way we are together is making me pull away. I have attended therapy to try and fix my role in the dynamic, asked him to go to couples counselling. I have tried lots of different way to adapt to how he wants to live but the goalposts get moved and frankly I don’t want to live like him.
He has become more socially isolated, more grumpy and snaps at me. He now wfh full time and barely leaves the house. He takes offence at any slight, perceived or real from me.
When I detach he will not seek me out or pursue connection so it is easier and more bearable. I can live my life without him to an extent, he doesn’t want to do stuff socially with me or with the kids really but I find it very hard not to react to his moods and the atmosphere when he is annoyed with me - it’s a kind of neediness in me I think, there is still a part of me that wants it to work and for him to like me again. We used to be a good team.
He does pull his weight and does at least 50/50 with house stuff. With kid stuff he does a lot too but maybe 70/30 to me as I’m part-time which is fair enough.
Has anyone got any experience of detaching from someone while living with them or any advice?
sorry it’s so long - didn’t realise!