Is this it? Am I thinking of throwing away something that I should be happy with?

[Alarae]

I am close to 30 and have been married for nearly 7 years. My DH is 8 years older and we have one child together who is a toddler and a house.

We seem to just exist in the same house, doing the drudgery day to day (which is to be accepted). But then I feel like my DH is just negative most of the time and I feel like I am just being worn out about it. I feel like I've become distant to him purely because I just don't want to hear him anymore, as it's likely to be moaning about something, which he says 'is not moaning, it's just his opinion'.

These may seem like minor examples and I feel like I need to be told if they are as I can't see the wood for the trees.

The news. Any time anything comes up about transpeople/gender identity or other social changes he goes off on a rant about 'wokeism'. I get the point, but he never seems to be able to understand that maybe some of it might be alright? Or at least understand someone else's perspective?

He moans if he has to do anything that inconveniences him. I wouldn't mind if it was every once in a while, but more often than not it is every time. I feel like I come to the point where I'm worried about how I can placate his reaction if I need to do something which inconveniences him; I'm already talking about what can be done to help him before I've even asked for his help.

He constantly makes a comment if I'm sat on my work laptop a bit longer when I am just finishing something off. My usual shut off time is around 5:15pm but he will start making noises around 5pm. The issue I have is that I work to a timesheet so I need to make sure I've done my hours- as I pick up my child during work hours I need to make up that time. I do work over something but usually by 15 minutes and I'm sitting in the living room with our child anyway while I'm working (or trying to while I try to distract with stickers!) There was one day I had to actually work late (to 9:30ish, but I also made dinner during that time) and he keeps bringing it up like it is all the time. It has only happened that one time since our child was born. I am paid a good salary and if I have to work late one day, I don't mind it to help out.

This next one I see his point, but not his actions. He moans that he feels like he is not being trained adequately due to staff availability (which I find fair). However he isn't doing anything on his side to try and prove he's doing everything he can to make it work, so that his manager can clearly see what they are suggesting doesn't work. He is not proactive and just doesn't help himself in the first instance.

He gets stressed quite easily with our child and doesn't seem to have the patience with them when they have a cry. They are basically in the terrible toddler years so I get that is frustrating however it's not the odd time. He also lashes out (general shouting, does sometimes hit various objects if he is trapped somewhere. For instance he punched the dashboard of the car).

I do pretty much 100% of the planning for family stuff to do together. If we are travelling somewhere about 90% of the time he will moan about something and it just seems to start off the trip on a bad note. Or maybe I am being too sensitive.

During my mat leave (which was basically lockdown) I really struggled. I felt like he wasn't emotionally supportive enough for me and I felt very alone with my thoughts. He would often say that 'he didn't know how to help' so ended up mainly not trying anything. My family lived two hours away and it was hard.

He is however great around the house and DIY bits and we do have a good laugh from time to time.

I just don't know if it's me. I've felt distant for a while now and I am not sure if this is just how a marriage is after you've settled down? Is this sense of wanting something with a bit more positivity and fun potentially blurring what is realistically a good marriage? I feel like I've got to a point where I am just more sensitive to him now where minor things before may feel like big things. One big turning point was probably my mat leave, but before that we did have some issues. The longest time we had without arguments which I can remember was when I was barely in the house as I was either working or spending hours at the gym.

Knock some sense into me Mumsnet. Tell me if I'm being too sensitive or how I can reassess my thinking as I know it is causing friction.

I should add I don't feel like I've missed out on life by marrying relatively young, it's more that I feel like that I looked forward to doing things with my family (even if that's the park) but mostly he just gets bored of it and then moans about leaving. Perhaps I have an idealistic view of what our family time could be?

I'm also aware that there will be other families that won't be going out due to finances and make do. I am aware that we are fortunate that we can afford to go away for a weekend somewhere every month or so to visit an attraction etc, however I was just hoping that the father of my child would also be as happy to spend that time together (without a moan!)

I Understand your perspectives and frustrations op, not sure what to suggest, other than all the best and positivity with the situation

It doesn’t sound like you’re very compatible

Do you want to stay in this relationship?

Thank you.

I don't know what to do, that's my issue. Am I throwing away a marriage which is alright I guess, to pine for something that might not be realistic?

Would I be throwing away this marriage only to potentially end up in another relationship which is much the same?

I just have no perspective on what I should expect really. I guess when I started my family, I didn't see this as it, but is this just reality hitting me in the face?

I sometimes wonder if my life would change if he wasn't here. A lot of the time I feel like there would not be much difference to living alone. The only thing I would definitely miss would be not having someone to share a family outing with.

Perhaps I'm just looking for some wise opinions from other people's experiences.

Just to add we were brilliant together for the first 4-5 years. It just seems like we've drifted apart and the values I thought shined brightly in him back then (family) seem dimmer now.

Marriage can be bloody hard work sometimes. It sounds like you have high expectations. The moaning thing is what can happen when someone needs to let off steam and they moan to the person closest to them. Could you both actively invest in some time for just the two of you?

And what's he doing with his child while you're trying to finish work?

I often work into the evening if I've nipped out to do something during the day so t's not unusual.

He sounds a right moaning misery

There is so much in your post OP it's difficult to know where to start. Firstly, I am the type of women that trans activists would think is 'TERF' (the horror of it)!!! I am frequently on the Women's Right forum here so I might agree with your husband regarding some things, but it ends there!

I'm guessing what you are asking is perfectly reasonable, and things he should be doing anyway -

He moans if he has to do anything that inconveniences him

I bet he fucking does. Does he frequently moan about how incompetent and annoying his work colleagues are, by any chance? Does he make out that they are all fools and that he is the only one with a brain?

I wouldn't mind if it was every once in a while, but more often than not it is every time. I feel like I come to the point where I'm worried about how I can placate his reaction if I need to do something which inconveniences him

This is really bad OP. He doesn't want you to place any demands on him whatsoever and is coaching you by having this reaction. I've been there with male housemates. It doesn't matter how nicely or infrequently I asked them something - it was usually accompanied by a clear look that i was bothering them. It wasn't about how I asked - the problem was that I was asking anything in the first place because as a little sub-ordinate house-elf, I should have known my place.

I'm already talking about what can be done to help him before I've even asked for his help

This is appeasement. You are in a dynamic where he is playing Master with his attitude, or that you are having to act like a mum to an uncooperative, sulky teenage boy.

The next step is that you will do the task by yourself because you won't be able to stand his reaction, which will be a win for him.

My usual shut off time is around 5:15pm but he will start making noises around 5pm

Does he seem genuinely concerned for you, or is it more about having you on hand to serve his needs, soothe him, or entertain him for those 15 mins?

He also lashes out (general shouting, does sometimes hit various objects if he is trapped somewhere. For instance he punched the dashboard of the car)

I'm sorry OP that you seem to have to deal with two toddlers instead of one, except one is a grown adult man.

I do pretty much 100% of the planning for family stuff to do together

Because he's either not bothered and wants to do nothin. Or, it's because life admin like that is what sub-ordinate people (women) do. His time is FAR too valuable to be spending doing things like that. My God. What an inconvenience it would be for him!! He's actually have to show some patience! Go through some options!

I felt like he wasn't emotionally supportive enough for me and I felt very alone with my thoughts

What's behind this? In what way was he not supportive?

it's more that I feel like that I looked forward to doing things with my family (even if that's the park) but mostly he just gets bored of it and then moans about leaving. Perhaps I have an idealistic view of what our family time could be

Parenting can be stressful and tiring, but I think what you want, not unreasonably, is just a bit more sunshine and joy in your life, and you seem to be trapped with a grey cloud.

You wouldn't be throwing away a stable, pleasant but boring marriage. You would be leaving an abusive one. You're walking on eggshells, frightened of his reaction. He shouts and threatens violence. He is impatient with your DC. He doesn't support you emotionally and sees you as his support human to service his needs.

Would I be throwing away this marriage only to potentially end up in another relationship which is much the same

You know when you're truly done with a relationship? It's not necessarily when you think 'Oh I can have something better elsewhere'.

It's when you think 'My time spent alone would actually be better, sunnier, more peaceful, and less hard bloody work if I weren't around this person any more'. It when you think 'I would rather spend the next decade being single than be trapped in this relationship'.

It's not always this simple, but if things are really bad, many women will say that yes, although they might get lonely, doing activities alone is preferable than doing it with their partner. They realise that when their partner is away on business or similar, they feel more content. The atmosphere of the houses just lifts. Their children, if they have any, seem more relaxed. They don't spend unnecessary energy arguing. They don't spend unnecessary time on emotional labour, trying to soothe their neurotic, grey cloud partners.

I just don't know if it's me

Yes, it's just you. It's just how you feel. Do you think that if it's just your feelings, you should discount it? Why? What external body tells you what you 'should' be happy with? And why do you listen to it?

Your feelings are your feelings, and it's your job to look after them. So, if you're in a situation that's not happy for you, you are the authority who has the responsibility for saying 'I'm not happy here'. Nobody can tell you you're wrong. You are in charge. You can't decide to be happy with something you're not. The things that make you happy/sad/excited etc are the way that your character is designed and expressed. If you minimise this as 'just me', you minimise your whole character, and that's the ultimate in self disrespect.

So yes, it's just you. It's you , expressing what you feel. Respect you. Respect your feelings. There's nothing and nobody who can tell you what 'should' make you happy. All you can do is respond respectfully to your feelings, when they come.

Yes, what’s he doing at the time? Is he also wfh (in which case your child should be in childcare, really - how can you work with a toddler to look after), or is he grumbling about having to look after his own child for 15 minutes extra? I’m guessing that he is supposed to be doing childcare while you work but resents it greatly.

Whether it’s him or you, you are unhappy.

I think you should at least try to improve thing first. So, a real 2 way honest chat, online articles books for either or both to read on ways to improve a marriage. Relationship counselling.

I think many women settle for less than they deserve, if you can can discover your self worth, you may find it easier to ask him for what you need.

I think his behaviour is rubbish by the way. Ask yourself if you feel like a team.

I think it is easy to just let a partner become a sounding board, and not filter or think about your impact on them. I have to stop myself from moaning, but then I feel like I’m bottling up feelings.

his aggression with shouting and hitting objects speaks to a much deeper frustration. And it is more worrying.

having a young family is really tough. Hardest time of my relationship was when my dc1 was that a toddler.

I personally say work on it - but that means him too. You need to tell him how his behaviour impacts you, and that it is leading you to question what direction the marriage is headed in. Find out if he is genuinely unhappy and then discuss, or if he just Behaves this way out of habit, what can he do to curb it?

if he refuses to acknowledge any problem, then you need to stop him each time something happens and say “that right there is the behaviour I mean - why are you saying or doing that, can you think what effect that has on me right now?”

I hope you work it out. I think it can improve, but it has to be both of you, in good open spirited agreement, trying to sort out the problems together.

This from Potstip

"You wouldn't be throwing away a stable, pleasant but boring marriage. You would be leaving an abusive one. You're walking on eggshells, frightened of his reaction. He shouts and threatens violence. He is impatient with your DC. He doesn't support you emotionally and sees you as his support human to service his needs".

This man has an awful lot of red flags about him; not least of all his behaviour towards your child and his hitting of inanimate objects. The problem with abusive types like this too is that its always someone else's fault in their heads and never their own. He is never going to accept any responsibility for his actions here

Do not ever undergo any form of joint relationship counselling with him, its not recommended for abusive relationships. He knows how you feel OP and he does not care about that nor for that matter his child. The only person he cares about is his own self and getting his own needs met.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

If it was good to start with what has changed in your lives? Any chance of reconnecting? What happens when you pull him up for his behaviour, if you do? I also would start with solo counselling to get your own head straight. It helped me a lot.

"He is however great around the house and DIY bits and we do have a good laugh from time to time".

And your above positive points re him are nothing to write home about either.
He is neither a good dad nor a good example of how a husband should behave to his family.

Your bar is very low here and needs urgent revising upwards. I think your mind is telling you that your marriage is not good actually because it is not good at all.
This sentence in your initial post, " The longest time we had without arguments which I can remember was when I was barely in the house as I was either working or spending hours at the gym" is very telling.

This is who he really is and he is not going to change. He is both the Dominator and a fun sponge.

Do not get further bogged down here in your sunk costs; all this about throwing marriages away is an example of the sunken costs fallacy.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.” This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

It sounds like you have grown apart and you are looking for a fresh start

Don’t think about another relationship. If you leave, do it to free yourself from his negativity.