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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Different expectations- what to fo?

4 replies

Tinydaisydoo · 20/06/2022 15:56

In a bit of a pickle….my OH of 1 year is lovely, lots in common, fancy him, romantic, caring etc etc however, we are quite different in our expectations of our relationship. I like my space, I always have done but he thinks that all our free time should be spent together and it’s starting to get me down now. We both have children and our own houses that are half an hour apart and I’m quite content to see him 3 times a week on average but he gets annoyed if I want a night home alone when I don’t have my DS or if I’m tired etc. I have tried explaining that I need that time alone to recharge but he just doesn’t get it and says things like “when we live together in January what are you going to do then?” (We have discussed moving into his house after Christmas). I don’t want to be driving back and forth all the time, having to pack my bag and my sons bag, I enjoy it the way it is now but if I say that, I’m fed a guilt trip for feeling that way, as though that means I love him less!! He has said about his anxieties due to his previous relationships and I understand that, but I’m not his ex wife and I don’t know what to do.

We have discussed this a lot and things change for a little way then restart again and I am
starting to feel smothered. Is this the way it will always be? Can things change?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 20/06/2022 16:46

Don’t move in with him, you’ll never have 5 minutes to yourself

Huntswomanonthemove · 20/06/2022 16:49

I’m like you and my DH is brilliant at giving me space. I don’t think you and your DP are compatible.

User1406 · 20/06/2022 16:58

Sounds like he has an anxious attachment style and those habits are unfortunately hard to break, especially if he's been burnt in the past by an ex.

Are you actually planning on moving in with him? If so, things may be better if you're actually under the same roof.

It's a tough one as it just sounds like you are incompatible.

I like my own space as well, and I'm happy to just spend a day doing nothing by myself at times. I couldn't have a partner who demanded all of my spare time. Me-time is important and it's good to enjoy your own company.

Sunnytwobridges · 20/06/2022 16:58

I'm like you as well and my ex was like your DH. He wanted to be around me 24/7 and I just needed space, I was happy to see him a few times a week. But it wasn't good enough for him. He became resentful over time and eventually things ended between and this was one of the reasons. Because I simply refused to move in with him. We were just not compatible. After we broke up a few months later he found someone that moved in immediately.

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