One sided friendships

[Pinkjacket22]

I wanted to ask about advice on a couple of one sided friendships which are really hurting my feelings and how to assertively deal with them

1. A friend I’ve had for many years. We have such a laugh together but she always expects me to go to hers and just seems to squeeze me in between stuff, I recently suggested going out for tea but she said for me to come to hers when her kids are there but then we won’t get a proper catch up and it’s a fair trek to her house, always me to go to hers. I was recently giving her a lift somewhere and she had to call me for directions as she didn’t know how to get to mine despite me having lived here for 5 years. Should I have said something at this point as she doesn’t seem to see a problem? Other people seem to be able to crack a joke about this sort of thing but still get their point across but I just feel so hurt and don’t say anything in case it comes out too aggressive.

1. Another friend I have a great laugh with but she is in a toxic on off relationship. I’ve helped her leave her on off boyfriend before as she was really in a very upset state but she keeps getting back together with him and then just goes silent on me like I’m the bad guy, doesn’t reply to texts or get in touch. Most recently they split again and she keeps getting in touch and trying to arrange stuff. It’s lovely to see her again but more and more i am just waiting to be dropped again. She even admitted her boyfriend didn’t like me helping her move her stuff out last time and I hate going to his house anyway so wish she wouldn’t tell me this stuff. I would never see her in need but it makes me feel rubbish that I am such a fallback person but having been in a toxic relationship myself I know the dynamic of a partner that tries to remove every person that might be supportive to your life and trying not to judge her or make her life more difficult.

just really looking for responses to be assertive instead of being passive aggressive or sulky or getting upset as I am awful at dealing with conflict and hate arguing.

Neither of these people respect you. Why do you want to be friends with people who make you feel like this? Friendships are mutually beneficial arrangements. If people are letting you down, they're not your friends. Have you got other friends you don't have these ups and downs with?

Yes, I have other friends who are lovely but there are some friends in common so sometimes they will be there or invited to stuff too. So just cut them off without saying anything or phase them out or should I say my piece? Friend one always seems to think I’m overreacting if I say anything about her behaviour. Not sure about friend 2, have never said to her that her behaviour hurts me. Thanks for the response.

Op dont be used. I remember my friend saying life was so busy with the kids. Then she had a night out with my sister. Same) go to hers. Chase the friendship. I just dont want to be used again.

They're not bothered about you, so why bother about them? Just extract yourself from the friendships as painlessly for yourself as you can. You don't have to make a thing out of it, just go quiet on them. If they chase you, tell them you've been busy and you'll be in touch, and then casually don't get round to it.

There's no point telling them how you feel. If they cared about that, they'd treat you better. And you can't tell them how they ought to be behaving, because it's not your place.

Your responsibility is you. You do what you want. You do what makes you happy. These people don't make you happy, so stay away from them. Sure, they'll crop up, but you can be acquaintances, you don't have to engage much.

I've just written out a better reply twice but lost them both!

To keep it simple this time - I wouldn't tolerate this any longer and would've lost interest by now. They are being self absorbed and who needs friends like that. I definitely wouldn't go to friend 1's house again until she had come to yours/met up somewhere you prefer (and don't hold your breath for that one). I would be moving them to friendly acquaintances and making a lot less effort.

Thank you so much. I feel much better and relieved for reading these replies. I’ve been working on my boundaries recently so have changed for the better and just generally getting older makes me less tolerant of this stuff in general and want to stay away from the drama but old feelings and shared history makes me question if I’m unreasonable. I am a lot more happy and drawn to other friends so maybe the boundaries are there. Thanks for taking the time to reply. Very helpful.