How to celebrate wedding anniversary if wedding ruined by family?

[SneezyAnteater]

Did anyone else have a wedding day that was essentially ruined by the bad behaviour of toxic/ narcissistic family members? If so, what do you do to mark your anniversary, if anything?

It's coming up to that time of year again and part of me feels like we should be doing something to reclaim our wedding day and celebrate our marriage...and part of me just wants to ignore it. Yesterday our wedding music came on in the car by chance and we both agreed we did not want to listen to it!

We have an amazing (if exhausting) DC and perhaps it is better to focus on celebrating her on her birthdays.

We are NC with the toxic family members and one of them died so there will never be any apologies/ making up. It's tough.

I think you should mark it. Can you get child care? Get dressed up, have a romantic meal, book a hotel with a strong bed, have the wedding night they have in the movies. Remind each other why you got married and why you love each other. Find a new song you love and dance to it in your room.

If you can't do anything without DC then I'd still book something in to mark it, a lovely day out or weekend away somewhere special. Find a different way to reclaim the date

Can you reframe it in your mind? You’re celebrating your marriage, not your wedding?

Most people don't really involve family in their wedding anniversary until it gets to a really big one then it is a 'hook' to use to get everyone together for a party or meal. Just go for a meal with your dh.

Or, don't celebrate it.
Or celebrate the anniversary of something else that celebrates you as a couple ...when you got engaged or had your first date or moved in together or first kissed or a special time when you just knew he was "the one".
Your wedding day has gone. It is sad that it wasn't the day you wanted, but there is nothing you can do to change that - just celebrate your love for each other in a way that suits you.

Pick another day & make it really special just for you. Go somewhere you've always loved or wanted to go.
You could even renew your vows or have a new celebration of your marriage. Create some new memories, try not to dwell on the ones that have been ruined for you by others.

Rephrase it in your mind as celebrating your marriage as Judge has said.

Find the good parts about the day and focus on remembering that rather than the negatives. My SIL had to do this, everything up until the incident was good so they just concentrated on that part of the day.

Could you celebrate the day you got together instead? We didn't have our actual wedding day ruined by some family members, but the day afterwards, so I always have the wonderful memories of the day and then the sourness pops up the day after. We still celebrate our anniversary, but if the actual day had been ruined then we would probably celebrate the day we got together.

You take a deep breath and you laugh. Then you go out and enjoy yourselves.

Just reframing it a little bit can help.

The day you got rid of X family and gained each other/your new one

We did much the same and relegated all the fucking horror to bemused remembrances. And we rely on ourselves now. Sod them all!

Maybe make new memories. Go somewhere that's special to you and renew or have new vows. Get dressed up and then go and have a special meal.

Have you ever thought about having a renewal of your vows? You could pick a different date to your wedding anniversary and have a party with the people you do want present and dress in something that makes you feel beautiful. Make new memories and forget the bad ones.

I think you should mark it and celebrate it as the day you became each other's family.

You celebrate the marriage and not the wedding. Do something nice.

Dh and I gradually stopped celebrating our wedding anniversary (after I forgot it third year in a row!) and now celebrate the month we first met.

Our first meeting changed my whole life, whereas our wedding was just another opportunity for my shitty parents to dominate and bully us.

It also represents the true amount of years we have spent together. We have just celebrated 20 years together and they have been the absolute best!

Can you renew your vows (either really with a celebrant, or just write some vows, say some nice words to each other, and do a new ‘wedding’) just yourselves and DD and all go for a lovely meal together?
so you have a new memory for that day.

It’s about your marriage, not your wedding, as others have said. If being married is something you celebrate then that’s worthy of marking. Your wedding was one day, it’s every day since that really matters. If you deprive yourselves of happy anniversaries you’re letting these arseholes cast an unnecessarily long shadow over your lives. Choose to mark it happily each year, that’s how you win.

DH and I celebrate our marriage rather than the actual wddding. Very low key, get each other a card, we go out for a meal and have a glass of champagne. I find it really difficult to even look at some of our wedding photos as they’re so fake.

Rather bizzarely SIL gets us a card every year even though it was her that caused all the shit leading up to the actual day and with hindsight she should have been uninvited. That goes straight in the bin.

Just celebrate your anniversary like every other couple. It’s really not about the wedding, it’s about being married.

Do something fun and distracting on the day, maybe with your DC? Make new memories each year or new traditions e.g. anniversary trip to the seaside, fancy restaurant etc

This.