Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to say I can't afford all this ?

6 replies

Furryhoney · 20/06/2022 09:41

NC
Not sure where to start. My best friend is a total extrovert with possibly ADHD traits or some other condition. She literally cannot stay still/do nothing and is continuously on the go to the point that it's exhausting to watch (I have a lot of experience of ADHD within my own family, before anyone jumps down my throat about this comment!). She has to have plans/things in her diary for any time she is free, down to the last spare 30 mins which she feels she has to fill by seeing someone/anyone. It often feels like she organises/plans things just for something to do/somewhere to go/someone to see to fill her time. This is fine if she is happy doing this.
She is organising more and more days out/weekends away and the cost of all these is becoming a factor for me. I earn at least 3 times what she does but I have a lot of financial commitments/would rather spend my money on other things. I'm happy to go to some of the things she organises but not all. I don't know how she affords all the things she does/books/plans; I certainly struggle to afford to do all of them. She expects me to go all of them and would be devastated if I didn't go.
Over the summer this year she has organised for us all to go to an event (£65 each for a ticket plus food/drinks/transport on the day), go away for a weekend to celebrate something special (£230 each plus food/drinks/transport), go away for another weekend (cost £150 each plus food/drinks/transport), we are going on holiday for 5 nights (£500 each plus spending money) and there are 5 other nights out also in the diary.
I'm not sure how to best handle the situation. She doesn't seem to understand when I say I cannot afford all these things. Yes I earn a decent wage and on the outside it looks like I would have a lot of spare cash, but the other financial commitments can also cripple me some months. No one knows about the other financial commitments.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 20/06/2022 09:44

It sounds like you need to be clearer

Sorry friend I can’t come as I can’t afford it
Don’t get me a ticket as I can’t come

Tell her explicitly that you can’t afford it and you’re not going although you may struggle doing that with events you’ve already agreed to

JanisMoplin · 20/06/2022 09:44

Some of my friends are now saying this to me and I respect it. i try to find zero or low cost activities like walking in the park. I myself have cut down on things like eating out. I also have a decent wage but I have some extra commitments that I don't talk about ( illness in the family).

Just say it plainly. Better than beating around the bush.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 20/06/2022 09:46

Shoxfordian · 20/06/2022 09:44

It sounds like you need to be clearer

Sorry friend I can’t come as I can’t afford it
Don’t get me a ticket as I can’t come

Tell her explicitly that you can’t afford it and you’re not going although you may struggle doing that with events you’ve already agreed to

Exactly, don't pussy foot about just tell her you can't afford it so won't be joining her this time.

SolasAnla · 20/06/2022 09:50

Tell her you are willing to spend time with her but not large amounts of money to be with her.

You are happy for a walk, a coffee, etc but will not be paying to do stuff.

Wombat27A · 20/06/2022 09:54

Yep, just be really clear.

I have adhd. I would be mortified if I was upsetting my friends.

The thrill of organising things ups her dopamine. She probably doesn't even enjoy the result, just the chase.

If she doesn't respond well, that's really her problem. You can't fix her mental health. If she's truly a good friend, she'll get it.

Wombat27A · 20/06/2022 09:57

Actually, I reread your post. Possibly a bit more going on there. I'd put some boundaries in, this might not end well as it's escaling & escape from real life, maybe?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread