Wife has addictions.

[LeisureSuitLarry]

Hi. I'm posting here because there doesn't really seem to be anywhere on the Internet for men to ask about this.

Wife and I have two young kids and have been married 5 years and together 14. We're early 40s. Wife has functioning addictions to alcohol, cocaine and prescribed painkillers. Conservatively estimating, she drinks 8 bottles of wine and 8 cans of lager every week and has one day off from drinking. She'll buy coke once a week normally but once a month she'll probably buy it on a Friday and again on Saturday morning when she wakes up. She admitted to me at the begining of the year during a rare attempt to give it all up, that she spends around £600 a month on booze, coke and fags. The money alone is utterly infuriating (we haven't been a holiday in 8 years despite both having good jobs), but then adding in everything else that goes hand in hand with addiction just makes the entire situation horrible to live in. She is very middle class and thinks of herself as a free spirit, but her life is utterly pathetic. I just find myself permanently filled with resentment. I even find myself fantasising that she has a health scare in the hope that it might stop her but it probably wouldn't if I'm honest. Our own kids regularly ask her to stop drinking and it makes her feel immensely guilty for about 20 minutes until she opens another bottle. I do think she might have PTSD or BPD but she will not explore any of this. She says if she mentions her addictions to a therapist they will be duty bound to involve social services.

There have been 3 occasions in the last 6 years where she has had what I would call a drug induced psychotic episode. The most recent one was at xmas and the kids witnessed her actually hit me. I told her to leave or i was phoning the police but the kids were hysterical and begged me to hang the phone up which I did in the end and I think that may have been a mistake now.

She knows how bad this is and has said I should leave her and I know she wouldn't contest me from seeing the kids or anything, but I don't want to leave them alone with her tbh. Yes I'd be far happier in my own place with my kids there 40-50% of the week but I'd rather forgoe my happiness so I can be there for them 100% of the time in the family home and be a reliable steady presence in their lives. I just feel like if I was a woman, I could just tell my partner to leave and it would be kind of expected they would. I have no idea where I stand being the male partner. She is the main caregiver on paper due to working less hours. Can I just kick her out? Is there a chance that a court would order her to get clean then when she passes a few tests, re-install her as main caregiver and award her the house back and I'm then left homeless and having to fight her for once a fortnight custody. I know for a fact she would game the system any way she could that would allow her to start drinking again. Can anyone tell me how the system works? What are my options? I should add that the really crazy episodes are extremely sporadic and now she doesnt even seem hammered after drinking heavily, it's mainly just the day to day monotony of dealing with someone who is always intoxicated, hungover or asleep but it is grinding us all down and the thought of doing it for another ten years til the kids are grown up is unthinkable.

OP, this is so hard for you. Does anyone else know? You really don’t want to be on your own in this. Find people you can be honest with.

Get in touch with Al-anon, for families/friends of loved ones with alcohol issues.

As you already know, this is affecting your children and you can’t allow that to go on. You will need lots of love and support around you and them to get through this.

As the daughter of an addict please leave with your children. This is a horrible life for them. You can make it stop. Please.

It is an awful situation, and I've got no practical answers for you I am so sorry, but I am hoping that mumsnetters will have, and I wanted to keep the post alive It is easy for people to say "LTB" but the practicalities of doing so are far removed from the reality, especially if you are the man.

You need to get a solicitor immediately, and you probably need to go to SS to get help in getting full custody. Stop waiting around and get yourself and your kids out of this nightmare.

I'm so so sorry to hear this. My ex was an alcoholic. Functioning until she was less functioning, lost her job, we split, and she died less than a year later of liver failure in her early forties.

You really do need to do all you can to protect your kids. The trauma of them growing up with her is immense if you don't. I totally get wanting to be there 100% to protect them. Please, please get some support for yourself and see a solicitor ASAP to talk about how you could secure 100% care for your kids (it's not to say she can't have a relationship with them, but I would only want her to have access when there is another responsible adult - who you trust 100% - to ensure the kids are safe.) I'm so sorry. it's such a hard situation. x

I'm really sorry I have no advice, but what a horrible situation to be in. You're absolutely right that if you were a woman you'd just kick her out (understandable why it's the way it is to a degree), but I don't know how it all works in this situation. Can you ask citizens advice bureau?

I'm so sorry you and your kids are going through this, you all deserve better 💐

Also, please get your kids some therapy. If they're already at the stage of begging her to stop drinking and witnessing her violence, they REALLY need help, and fast. I'm so sorry, this is just horrid for you all :(

Absolutely this...a situation like this can't continue! Your poor children. How on earth is she supporting her habits, does she work or is this coming out of the household budget.

Absolutely agree with this, talk to a solicitor about no fault divorce and see your options are going to be

Hang on, you think your should leave but you would feel bad about leaving the kids with her?! Surely it wouldn’t cross your mind to leave the kids with her?! You would take them with you and you would have them 100% of the time. She absolutely cannot be trusted to care for them alone. You need to seek legal advice ASAP and gett your children as far away from this woman as possible. Living with a violent and unpredictable addict will be doing untold damage to your children. Do something about this today.

How old are your kids OP? If school age you could speak to the safeguarding lead at school, in the first instance, or your could speak to your health visitor if they are younger, or contact safeguarding at your local council. If you google the name of your council and safeguarding you should find a page that says something like 'concerned for a child? call xxxx. You can speak to the council anonymously in the first instance if you want to and just talk through what your options might be.

Good luck - it sounds incredibly difficult for you and your kids.

You don't leave the kids with her, you leave with the kids and then sort out contact. You start this by communicating your issues with the school and hey, if social services get involved that is a good thing.
As suggested by a pp, get some support for yourself too. Life with an addict messes with your head (got the T shirt).
The key thing is to get yourself and your kids out of there.

Please please leave. Your poor kids (and poor you too)! This is so damaging for them, and only you can do anything about it.

You definitely need support for you and also the children, this can't continue and I think you know that. Telling people outside of the family will make it more 'real' and that's what needs to happen now. I'm very sorry you're having to deal with this, it doesn't matter if you are the mother or father, you should be able to take your children out of this situation and be supported to do so.

I'd start a diary of her drinking and drug taking, then speak with school, a solicitor, social services and explore counselling for you and the children. There are charities that can help with that.

Don't forget that you may be entitled to some benefits once your wife is moved out, plus council tax reduction.

Social services will probably end up involved. You mostly need legal advice about the house and custody. I’d be tempted to just move the kids out to a rented house with you but that might be unwise in the long term so get advice.

Honestly, kick her out. Ask her to leave.

You stay in the house with the kids, if she refuses to leave call the police explain to them her drinking and her cocaine addiction and she's not safe to be around the children. Also explain the past Domestic Abuse to the police.

You need to safeguard the children from her.

Just because she's a woman doesn't make her immune to things. If she was a male you'd be told to kick him out. So fair is fair.

The local council can find temporary accommodation for her if she is homeless or she can return to family.

I'd also speak to social services once she's asked to leave so they can support you and the children. This way there is documented evidence should she attempt anything through the courts.

Speak to social services (CAFCASS if in UK), and talk to a family lawyer. Gather as much evidence as you can of the drug and alcohol abuse, as well as any domestic abuse. Tell as many people who will listen what you have said above, say you want to leave but cannot leave the children in that environment. Woman have lost custody, get advice and start the process. Tell her as little as you can get away with until the process is well underway.

I really feel for you, this is a frightening and overwhelming situation for you and the kids. I know someone like this and it's a really difficult one. It's all well and good saying, leave with the kids, or kick her out and keep the kids, it doesn't necessarily work like that as I'm sure you know which is why the dilemma.

As a start, see a solicitor and be absolutely honest with them. Addicts will only ever possibly get a grip when they hit the bottom, and you've got to let them do it, which is so counterintuitive with someone you love, especially if your children have to witness it. Have you told her where you're at with it?

The children’s welfare is paramount. Good idea to inform the school, so that they can be offered support, as their emotional welfare must be impacted. Does your wife ever collect or take the children to school whilst under the influence of drugs or alcohol? As this would be a safeguarding issue. You can demonstrate that you’re priortising the children’s welfare by informing social services. Social services are there to support families, by informing as many professionals as possible you are building up a paper trail, if it’s decided that your wife is a risk.
you can seek support from www.famanon.org.uk This is a 12 step programme for the families/friends of somebody with a suspected drug problem. They have a helpline, forum, literature, online and face 2 face meetings. I have an addict in my family, and I’ve learnt to detach with love, not to enable and the 3 Cs
you didn’t CAUSE it
you can’t CONTROL it
you can’t CURE it
IF your wife chooses to she can attend 12 step meetings i.e. Cocaine Anonymous or Alcoholics Anonymous. As these are anonymous groups, they will not inform the authorities. This is so that members can share honestly.
A solicitor will be able to give you legal advice.

Having been in a similar situation I can empathise with the OP. I stayed with my alcoholic, unstable partner far longer than I should have purely because it meant I could better shield the kids from her behaviour/neglect. It got to the point where I couldn't cope with her any longer and we split up. We had shared care of the kids, but she was technically the resident parent.

I took legal advice on applying for custody and was told not to 'waste my money on it'. Social services were involved numerous times (due to ex's behaviour/mental health/drinking), and each time they took the position of trying to support her parenting. They weren't concerned about her addictions (alcohol and weed), just so long as it wasn't putting the kids at serious risk of harm. Despite her sleeping off hangovers for 24 hours at a time, whilst the kids had to fend for themselves. Regularly not getting them to school on time, and sending a 6 year old to walk to school by herself.

It took 4 years of her low level neglect before they finally decided ex wasn't capable of parenting, and only then did they support me applying for full custody. I had to put my foot down and lay it on thick with social services - telling them that I wouldn't pick up the pieces again next time my ex went off the rails. Of course I still did when that happened again, it was a calculated gamble that I had to take to push social services into decisive action.

Although ex does have unsupervised contact (every other weekend), but she still drinks and is generally a poor role model for them. Now the kids are a bit older it doesn't feel quite so risky. But my eldest (13) is exhibiting some slightly concerning behaviour towards her mother - lying and covering up for her, and feels like she has a responsibility to be a carer for her mum.

In my experience, unfortunately the system is still stacked in the mother's favour - removing children from their mother's care is the absolute last resort, and you'll need the backing of social services to have any chance. You need to gather as much evidence as you can. Keep a diary of every little thing, take photo's and videos and audio recordings (discretely). You could try to get social services involved now. Not sure how you could do that without your wife finding out it was you that initiated it, unless they'll say it was an anonymous report (like from a neighbour or something).

You need to play the long game, all the while trying to strike a balance between protecting your kids from your wife's actions and still giving enough space for her behaviour to show up child neglect. It's a tight rope and I found it soul destroying to sit on the side lines and watch my kids go through it all. Several times I nearly walked away from co parenting because it was breaking me witnessing the effects on the kids but being unable to do anything about it. So glad I stuck in there. It's frustrating that there's no real support for partners/ex partners of addicts, especially the aspect of shared parenting.

Speak to a solicitor and find out your options.

This was my mother. Not the coke but the alcohol and prescription drugs. It's a horrible way to live and my father did eventually leave, but for another woman even more batshit and left us kids with her. Don't do that to your kids. She died last year alone and unloved.

You could also do with seeking out Al-Anon as you'll find a really good support network there of people who know exactly what you're living with. Good luck

Crikey OP, thats around 100 units of alcohol a week let alone the other substance misuse. You need to leave. She needs to hit her rock bottom. Your poor children caught up in this. If/when she hits you again/has a psychotic episode you need to start to involve the police/hospital to start to document this. Can you get her to the GP? All this documentation will help you with keeping hold of the kids. Are you able to talk to anyone in real life about this?

How horrendous is this, is there anyway you can take her to the dr, and she get medical help, I’d be going to a solicitor to find out my options, how awful for your children