I’m desperate for someone to talk to and or some advice.

[Zandasstar7]

Good evening all, I literally don’t know where to start. Im with my partner of 8 years. We are not married. We have 1 son together who is 5 and I have a teenage from my previous marriage.
M problem is that I simply don’t want to be with him anymore. I never really thought about what he was like in the beginning he was a one night stand that never left. The thing is we are totally different people and the only thing we have in common is our son. He never opens up or shows emotions and believe me I have tried talking to him he just says he can’t. I am very sensitive and emotional and he just tramples on that.
I am no longer attracted to him that died years ago. The problem is that he is the earner. I gave up work pre covid as our son has a severe anxiety disorder being tested for autism. He would not cope with having his parents apart. Also we are about to move into a big house that is going to be so nice for my boys. I am literally only with him for the kids.
we are never intimate (my choice) we have nothing to say to each other and barely talk. I struggle to even make eye contact with him.
my question is should I leave him? This will mean having to move into a small flat as I will have minimal money and will have to rerun to work which will be awful for my son. He likes his routine.
staying with him is destroying me. It’s so awkward. I just hate to see my boys sad and they they believe they are about to move to a large house with financial security.
I can’t fake who I am and pretend to get a long with him.
I just want to run away and it’s making me feel so desperate.
I dream of meeting my mr right. I am 42 and leaving it late.
what do I do ?

You probably need a long term plan that involves you getting back to work and establishing some independence and savings. It would be extremely stressful for you and your boys to split from your partner, start back to work and move to a small flat all at the same time.

Would you and your partner try counselling? Perhaps if he understands you are ready to leave he might see things differently.

Does he know you think this?

Of course you should leave him. You are not suited and this situation is only going to drag you down more.

You are only with him, it seems, for the lifestyle it provides you with. To be blunt, you need to leave and learn to stand on your own two feet.

Hi, I am fine with blunt ness I appreciate your reply. The thing is that I would happily leave him and live in a tiny 1 bedroom place believe me I would be so much happier. My reasons for staying is for not wanting my children to have less. They deserve everything,. I could never give them what they are about to receive. I have always put them first you see so this seems like I have to be selfish.

Sorry if I misunderstood but is it the child you have with him that has autism?

is it possible that his dad has it too?

marriages with autism are different but you have to know what you are dealing with to make it work.

You can’t just pretend both people are coming from the same place, as it is damaging to the other persons self esteem, and is all just a lot of miscommunications and hurts.

All that aside, staying with someone just for the money is a bad example of a relationship to model for your children.

you don’t have to make any decisions urgently. If you can afford it, get some counselling for yourself, and if an assessment is needed for your sons dad then find out about that too.

Then you can figure out your next move. You don’t need to decide anything today.

good luck

Don't stay just to avoid stressing your son. Because by that reasoning, you'd potentially have to stay your whole life. And do you really want to spend your forever with this wanker?

As for meeting someone new, rather than fantasising about that, I'd focus on finding your freedom, independence and self love again.

Daydreaming about Prince charming cam sometimes stop us from saving ourselves. You gotta be your own champion and defender in life.

Tell yourself 'it will be a fresh start and a new adventure'. Think positively and it will be. Yes there will be challenges but that's all part of the journey.

And when you are free and confident amd know what shit not to accept from crap people because you value yourself- then there's no reason a good guy can't come along for you.

Also, there are few greater ways you could deprive a child than to take away their mother's joy. And to do so in their name...that's an awful burden to put on a child.

Kids deserve a mother who is happy and who makes confident choices out of self respect. Who doesn't stay with people who treat her shaudily.

That way they grow up learning self love - because they've seen it first hand. So they too will know to walk away from relationships that are unhealthy and disrespectful. And so that they will learn not to behave shoddily to their partners because that will land them single quicker than they can blink. As it should.

Next to that, extra stuff doesn't matter much. It's just stuff. People are what matters.

Don't stay just to avoid stressing your son. Because by that reasoning, you'd potentially have to stay your whole life. And do you really want to spend your forever with this wanker?

I would agree with this and add that it's going to be a lot better to separate now while your DS is young. It may not feel that way and no doubt he'll have issues to deal with, but then he will adjust and it will become his normal, whereas if you wait until he's older it would be more damaging both ways i.e. he'd be more used to living in this unhappy relationship as his normal and then there'd be way more upheaval when you inevitably do split up because he's older and routines will be even harder to break.

The first thing to do is to move from this place of fear that you're stuck, sacrificing yourself and can't do anything without hurting/depriving your DC. Instead, look into how to manage leaving in the best way possible - being practical, looking into the financial, housing and legal side of things (there's so much good advice and many positive stories on here), and reframing the DC situation so you have the best chance of splitting amicably and co-parenting well. Not saying it will be easy, but better to have that in your head than these dread scenarios that will keep you trapped and paralysed. Empower yourself to take the steps you so clearly need and a better future is definitely possible.

thank You for commenting. I believe it’s beyond counselling. It’s so toxic, I’m looking at the clock dreading him coming home. I’ve called my mum and literally broken down. I just don’t know what to do.
I def need to get my career back on track. Definitely too much to do all at once. I just need to find someone that makes me feel happy some of the time and that I feel I can see a future with. He has left mortgage paperwork for me to sign but I just can’t bring myself to sign it.

That is such a good question. For years I have told him how he never supports me emotionally and how he does things that I can’t agree with. He never listens or changes. If the kids are sad he can’t meet their emotions just tells them to pull themselves together etc.
He doesn’t listen to me. We have lost all respect for one another it’s so uncomfortable and I just want to run away. The thought of him coming home tonight makes me want to move out.

Thank you. I think my oh could have autism but he was also raised by selfish uncaring father and stepfather as mother abandoned her children.
just feel so overwhelmed.

I really appreciate your comments they actually make me feel empowered.
I guess I am just utterly petrified. I have moments where I pretend I am okay with him literally fake it but it doesn’t last. I just can’t face him at the moment I guess I am scared of how confrontational he can be.
Your words and advice have been noted. I definitely want to focus on me and the children before ever thinking about another man. This is the mistake I made last time. I was afraid of being alone so just settled for the first man that crossed my path.
I am just scared

Thank you so much for making me feel that I can make changes and that I am strong enough.
I have no self confidence at all and just feel so anxious at the thought of him coming in this evening.
I just wish I was earning or had a place I could go. I stand to lose everything.
it’s so scary and I’m struggling to think clearly I have no one apart from my mum that I can talk to.

Thanks everyone. This morning I broke down to my mum I was sobbing and feel totally overwhelmed. The thought of him walking through the door at 6 is too much for me to bare. I feel that I need to leave the house. I am scared to confront him.
He has left mortgage papers for me to sign but I can’t bring myself to sign them as things are so bad. I’m going to text him I think as I’m in such a bad way. I’m scared of how desperate I’m feeling.

Don't text him. You don't need to confront him either. Leaving him isn't a mutual decision that he has to agree with. You've already said for years - he hasn't listened yo you or cared.

Stop trying to talk to him. He doesn't care that you are unhappy. Don't repeat the same behaviour as you will get the same results.

Instead, talk with yourself. Give yourself permission to walk away from a miserable life and choose a happy one for you and your kids.

I know you are hurting but dont look to the person causing your pain, to heal it. Because he won't. Only you can do that. By giving yourself permission to leave.

Fuck him. His opinions and needs no longer matter. He had never cared about yours. Choose yourself and freedom. Speak with a divorce lawyer. Dont sign any mortgage papers. You've been given a way out at this time, take it.

Hi OP, I was in this situation. Very similar emotional dynamic (though my h was abusive too) and it also got to the point of signing on a house that caused me to utterly breakdown too: I knew in my bones I didn’t want to live with him, it was like a poison. I didn’t sign it and we’ve broken up, and I am SO relieved. Like you I mucked up my work over covid/the kids, am not wealthy, but it actually turns out it’s all going to be ok. I feel like me again! I will make it work one way or another. You will be entitled to some of that money.

The thing is it’s all very well saying your kids need the financial resources but actually the main resource they need is you. Especially if you are the only one who can care for their emotions and know them deeply. You are their most precious resource, and you must not let yourself be ruined. You must take good care of yourself. You deserve to feel happy and loved, and for the value of your emotional depth to be acknowledged, by you as a start but then by anyone close to you. I say leave. Just go! Tell him. Then a process starts and you will get your share.

Also ps I imagine that like me you are averse to rocking the boat and to drama but sometimes you do have to accept a bit of it to make a change. It’s called a break up for a reason, you have to break it. You can do it. Feel the fear and do it anyway. That feeling you’ve got now is your whole being begging you to.

Hi, I'm in a similar position, 2 young kids, I'm desperate to go but it's just so massive, such a big step. It's terrifying. I read these threads and hang on to the comments of how the kids will be happier if I am happy. Husband is being super nice now and to be honest it's making my skin crawl. It's just not him. Be strong, it may get slightly more difficult for your son short term, but it sounds like long term it will be great for you both.

You are not happy and will only get sadder and it will effect everyone. I thought the same as you and I left and guess what im happier. Not as well off and house not as nice but im happy and my children see us both happy and no longer observe an unhealthy relationship and think this is normal. It will be ok. But its not fair on anyone to stay together, you only get one life. Be strong lovely x

I did you should make plans to leave, and it sounds like you're on the verge. It's not fair on him, yourself or children to stay together. Children will sense the coldness between you. You're not suited and don't love him.

Sorry to sound harsh but big house aint no big deal. You said your children "deserve everything". Your children aren't any more deserving of a big house than others and it's no reason to stay. I'm recently separated (everyone is happier) and moving out of the big dream house into a small flat with my child. Can't wait!