Need advice | Mumsnet

confusedgirlie · 2022-06-19T18:50:00+00:00

Hi I have been married for 15 years and have 2 little girls ... we own a house etc .. I know I will be roasted for this but I have never been overly sexually attracted to him but he was kind and lovely so I married him ... We don't have sex and if we do it is once every 4-6 months and has always been like that . I have lost 4.5 stone and found a new confidence and I want to leave him .... I have slept with someone and I feel terrible but I am petrified of breaking up I know I sound like a selfish ass and I am

COPPER3 · 19/06/2022 20:20

Well done for losing all that weight! I don't think you are selfish. It sounds like you DH is a good man and gives you security and support. However, it also seems as if you have out-grown him. The non sex would be a deal breaker for me. It is such a difficult situation for you.

Do you 'love' your DH? If you do, then the relationship is worth saving. If you don't and it doesn't seem you do, yet you are 'fond' of him, then think about separating. Life is short as they say.

I will say though, that life is hard on your own with dc. So be prepared for a different way of living.

Don't be hard on yourself dear.

decayingmatter · 19/06/2022 22:33

COPPER3 · 19/06/2022 20:20

Well done for losing all that weight! I don't think you are selfish. It sounds like you DH is a good man and gives you security and support. However, it also seems as if you have out-grown him. The non sex would be a deal breaker for me. It is such a difficult situation for you.

Do you 'love' your DH? If you do, then the relationship is worth saving. If you don't and it doesn't seem you do, yet you are 'fond' of him, then think about separating. Life is short as they say.

I will say though, that life is hard on your own with dc. So be prepared for a different way of living.

Don't be hard on yourself dear.

Well I think it's pretty selfish to sleep with someone else when you're married.

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/06/2022 23:12

The main thing is - don’t tell him you slept with anyone - no point hurting him. Don’t bother beating yourself up, we’ve all done things we aren’t proud of. More practically, you need to focus your energies on the future.

Pull all the financials for both of you, go see a solicitor and find out how it would divide if you were to separate, and figure out a plan that includes money, childcare, child costs.

Then, kindly, say you are at the end of the road. He probably knows things aren’t great. Marriage counselling can help with separation, oddly.

Well done on the weight and good luck for the future.

Marineboy67 · 19/06/2022 23:27

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/06/2022 23:12

The main thing is - don’t tell him you slept with anyone - no point hurting him. Don’t bother beating yourself up, we’ve all done things we aren’t proud of. More practically, you need to focus your energies on the future.

Pull all the financials for both of you, go see a solicitor and find out how it would divide if you were to separate, and figure out a plan that includes money, childcare, child costs.

Then, kindly, say you are at the end of the road. He probably knows things aren’t great. Marriage counselling can help with separation, oddly.

Well done on the weight and good luck for the future.

Fucking hell...be a different story if a bloke put a post up like this! He'd be the biggest bastard going. Double standards or what! Would you be telling him not to tell the wife and get all his financials sorted and well done for losing weight and good luck for the future? Somehow I don't think so!

Dillydollydingdong · 19/06/2022 23:31

Why does it mean you have to leave him just because you had sex with someone else? Can't you have your cake and eat it too? People do...

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/06/2022 23:38

Marineboy67 · 19/06/2022 23:27

Fucking hell...be a different story if a bloke put a post up like this! He'd be the biggest bastard going. Double standards or what! Would you be telling him not to tell the wife and get all his financials sorted and well done for losing weight and good luck for the future? Somehow I don't think so!

Show quote history

@Marineboy67

I would yeah

Obviously being unfaithful is not ideal, but I don’t subscribe to the MN view that It’s The Worst Thing Ever. A ON stand is shitty but there are far worse things. And in this case, it’s a symptom not a cause.

As for gathering financials and getting a plan together, I’d advice anyone to do that, just because otherwise people tend to waste years thinking but not doing. If you where you are going to be financially, you can then decide what’s viable and what isn’t.

I also suggested she organise marriage counselling, which can really help manage a separation so it works for everyone.

Marriages end, it’s not realistic to expect everyone to be married for ever. It doesn’t have to be high drama you know.

Hiddenvoice · 20/06/2022 00:32

You need to end your relationship. I know it’s scary but you both don’t deserve this life. You have cheated and run the risk of doing it again, it’s not fair on him or your children.
It will hurt and be difficult to end your marriage but it seems like it’s already over and he can’t be feeling happy with how it is right now.
Its entirely up to you if you tell him you have cheated on him. No one can force you to admit it but I think he deserves the truth as to why the relationship is ending - you need to tell him that it’s lacking intimacy.

Original poster

confusedgirlie · 20/06/2022 09:33

ThAnk you for the kind advice some of you .. I didn't just lose the weight and shag someone else we have been living as friends for a long time ... he is a kind man but very very lazy I do everything ... and I have lost all respect for him .. I am petrified splitting but can't live like this anymore .. we are going counselling and I am petrified of being a single mum and dating again (although that is the last thing on my mind ) but I think he knows the same

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Original poster

confusedgirlie · 20/06/2022 09:34

COPPER3 · 19/06/2022 20:20

Well done for losing all that weight! I don't think you are selfish. It sounds like you DH is a good man and gives you security and support. However, it also seems as if you have out-grown him. The non sex would be a deal breaker for me. It is such a difficult situation for you.

Do you 'love' your DH? If you do, then the relationship is worth saving. If you don't and it doesn't seem you do, yet you are 'fond' of him, then think about separating. Life is short as they say.

I will say though, that life is hard on your own with dc. So be prepared for a different way of living.

Don't be hard on yourself dear.

Thank you so much

OP posts:

Original poster

confusedgirlie · 20/06/2022 09:34

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/06/2022 23:12

The main thing is - don’t tell him you slept with anyone - no point hurting him. Don’t bother beating yourself up, we’ve all done things we aren’t proud of. More practically, you need to focus your energies on the future.

Pull all the financials for both of you, go see a solicitor and find out how it would divide if you were to separate, and figure out a plan that includes money, childcare, child costs.

Then, kindly, say you are at the end of the road. He probably knows things aren’t great. Marriage counselling can help with separation, oddly.

Well done on the weight and good luck for the future.

Thank you x

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Original poster

confusedgirlie · 20/06/2022 09:36

@Luredbyapomegranate you make a lot of sense x

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SuziSecondLaw · 20/06/2022 09:47

I'm not going to judge you.

Nobody knows the full story here.

I was never really sexually attracted to my first husband. But he was persistent (I had very low self esteem), and kind, and he was my best friend.
We had 2 kids and got married, all by 25.

Anyway, I left him for someone else at that stage. He had become obese and I just couldn't do it. I know it's cruel, but I found him completely unattractive, and the thought of no sex ever again, at 25.. I couldn't do it. Obviously, I should have just left, not started to chat to someone else first (I still feel awful about how I treated him) but that's how it happened.

He and I are really good friends now, 14 years later. The first year after the split was hard as he was understandably very hurt. But since then we've been very close friends and Co parented our kids very well.

The guy I left him for turned out to be a lying, porn addicted, drug addict who was violent (karma or what 🤦🏻‍♀️). Took 7 years to leave him. My ex husband actually helped me through it and insisted - on the times I cried to him that I deserved it - that absolutely nobody deserved that.

Anyway, that was 4 years ago. I've been with my new wonderful partner for almost 3 years, we've bought a house together, I have my teenage kids 4 days out of 7 every week, we have a toddler together, and I'm happier than I've ever been in my life 😊 Also, he's the most attractive man I've ever seen, so that helps😜

Sorry for the essay, I just wanted to share my story. I guess it's also a bit of a reality check for you that there are worse things in a relationship than not fancying him, but there are also much better things out there, if you want it. Good luck 💐

Original poster

confusedgirlie · 20/06/2022 10:07

Thank you so much that gives me hope I have never been totally sexually attracted to him tbh but I did love him he has become obese , he is very lazy it is like having a 3rd child and I can't waste anymore time as I am 49 but think willl anyone ever want me x

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SuziSecondLaw · 20/06/2022 10:30

Of course they will! There's somebody out there for everybody 💐