Can this be saved?

[gingham019]

Hi, I posted already about noticing an energy shift from my boyfriend.

I think there’s been a build up the last few months of miscommunication. I’ve been really hypersensitive to change and really paranoid about him seeming off with me. I’ve been quite nit picky and kinda want him to act like he used to. We have been having a fair few disagreements about it.

This morning he spoke to me and he said he’s not feeling happy about where the relationship is going right now. He feels drained, tired and never relaxed. He feels he is doing something wrong every day.
But it’s like a cycle - he said that that’s probably the reason he seems distant, doesn’t do some of the things he used to - because he’s tired and drained. He said I need to be patient, so even if I stop nit picking at him he won’t be his old self yet, so ill get upset - so it’ll just continue.

I did say to him that he isn’t trapped, that if he’s not happy he should end things. But he said he really wants it to work, he doesn’t want to end it as he knows how amazing we can be - he just doesn’t know what’s going on. He said the spark has gone a tiny bit for him, but he’s still in love with me and wants to be with me.

Thing is we both want to move forward but it seems hard - I get upset when he’s not being his old self, but he won’t act himself again unless I am more relaxed.

Can this be saved? Our relationship has been incredible before and neither of us really know what went wrong. On the surface we both really want to be with each other and care for each other.

Thanks x

You need to give him space to breath a little. I know it's hard when he pulls away, you feel anxious and the more you will want to try to get closer and that will push him away more. Pull away and allow him to come to you. Find your own hobbies and focus on that to remove the focus from him to allow the balance to return. I think the balance and energy is just a little out of sync right now, so you need to give it space to return on it's own.

Exactly what @ScorpioTwinkle1 said - give him some space. Nagging him to love you is never going to work. Maybe read up about anxious attachment styles?

Exactly what the others said. get therapy too. Even only for yourself. Do you.

As others have said, you need to give him some space.

Also, maybe try to stop seeing it as getting his "old self" back, and try to more so look forward. Relationships change and evolve. Maybe with some space he can grow into a new self that will be every bit as great as his old self, but different.

I'm not explaining myself very well but I hope you get the point. The honeymoon period doesn't last forever and it's not healthy to focus on how things used to be. Be open to things being great in a new way.

I also agree with this.

You are going to suffocate your relationship otherwise. I've read your other thread and this is the only way you're going to save it. You need to give him space to be away from you and you need to use that time for yourself too. Enjoy it.

If my boyfriend akd I go out with separate friends, we'll message each other to say have a good time effort we go out and again when we get home to bed. If one of us does message the other about something we're doing in the mean time, it's appreciated by the other but passive aggressive comments, such as you made to him, are only ever going to elicit a "FFS!" response which, I take it, is not what you are going for? And is only going to push him away.

Relationships are supposed to be positive and make you feel happy. They're supposed to enhance your life. Not make you feel restricted or anxious.

Ultimately, he's not doing anything. But if you have different expectations of a relationship it isn't going to work.

If you want to save it you have to change how you’re behaving. You know that. So work out if you can do what you need to. Telling him to end it is really manipulative. It sounds like you expect him to put up with your hypersensitivity and criticism about “not being his old self” or take responsibility for the relationship ending. That’s not at all fair.

What’s he doing now that his old self didn’t do? You say he’s changed but you have too and you’re stifling him.

Instead of obsessing about what’s changed and why, as seemingly neither of you knows, why not take a step back and just try to enjoy spending time together? I’m all for open communication and honesty and checking in with each other but you can take it too far and sometimes it’s time to just relax and enjoy what’s good about each other. Go for a long walk, watch a new film, make a favourite meal, each have a night out with separate friends. Strive for balance, perspective, happiness. It might help.

Thank you all for being so kind as I know I probably sound awful 💐
@yellowsmileyface i actually think you explained that really well, thank you.

@AnneLovesGilbert i can definitely see your point, I said it because he told me he didn’t end his last relationship as soon as he should’ve because he felt trapped by her, so I just wanted to make sure he didn’t feel that way. I probably could have worded it better though!

I think I’m just wondering how to go forward :/. He’s obviously not his best self with me atm as he’s so drained, which then makes me nervous as I just want things back to normal.

I was previously insecure and very anxious in relationships so I empathise because its so horrible and takes over all your thoughts.

One thing I will say that helps me to realise (with hindsight, after ruining another good relationship) is that while you can't control the way you feel - anxious, worrying - you can control the way you behave. The way you react to the feelings of insecurity are 100% your choice. You need to really accept that and choose to not be nitpicky or clingy.

I’d move on. Resentment will kick in and that will be the end.

Thank you. It is so so hard for me to not seek that reassurance. It’s clear he doesn’t want to leave but I’m still so worried and miss how he used to feel about me. :(

I wrote him a long note saying how sorry I was and how I can’t wait for us to move forward and be even better.
He gave me a hug but didn’t really say anything considering I wrote so much, and he used to be really expressive. I suppose I just need to give him time :/
Think I’m still hurting a bit too from yesterday where he said he didn’t feel like he was in a relationship atm

www.attachmentproject.com/blog/anxious-attachment/#:~:text=Adults%20with%20an%20anxious%20attachment,for%20their%20strong%20emotional%20needs.

I don't think he's being good to you OP.

I get upset when he’s not being his old self, but he won’t act himself again unless I am more relaxed.

If he's still acting 'off' with you then of course you're not going to feel relaxed though.

As for 'attachment styles' as PP mentioned, anyone would feel anxious/insecure due to how he's acting.

I wrote him a long note saying how sorry I was and how I can’t wait for us to move forward and be even better.

That's not really giving him space. You were prompting him for a specific response, and he probably didn't say anything because he felt pressured to respond in a particular way.

When he was expressive in the past, was it initiated by him or prompted by you? I'm guessing the former. It's a vicious cycle when you prompt for reassurance, because it can render it somewhat meaningless, so you feel like you need more and the other person feels like it's never enough so they stop trying.

If you want this to work you have to try to be patient, and try to feel a bit more comfortable not being in control of things. You can't control whether or not he breaks up with you in the future, you can only control your actions now, and right now he needs some space.

As for 'attachment styles' as PP mentioned, anyone would feel anxious/insecure due to how he's acting

Yes, but some would leave. Some would go quiet. Some would turn their back and stonewalling him. Feeling anxious isn't what the attachment style is about, how you respond to your anxious feeling is the salient thing.

Thank you everyone. I find it so hard to be patient but I know things won’t get better unless I relax :/

Ultimately, you're trying to make him responsible for your happiness. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone. You need to work on yourself and be happy in your own right, in your own actions.

But why is it you who needs to change? His behaviour is making you unhappy, that's the crux of it, isn't it? And you're telling yourself you should be happier with his behaviour?

this is where we are at a crossroads! He isn’t himself because I’ve drained him from being hypervigilant, but when I try my best to relax I then get upset again because he isn’t himself at the moment. He said where we are always talking about it or I always bring something up, his energy is going into other things rather than being happy

In the kindest way, you're just going around in circles.

He is himself because this is who he is being so it's who he is.

If I felt the way you describe in your last post, then I'd walk away. Because neither of you is making the other happy. You are forcing yourself to relax in a situation that is stressing you out. He isn't relaxed because of this. You don't say how long you are 'relaxed' (because you're not really relaxed and he knows it) before becoming upset but it can't be very long.

He needs you to he someone you're not. You need him to he someone he's not.

And if you've reached the point where you are talking about it a lot, then you are both banging your heads against a brick wall. You both want the other to he someone you're not.

You're having to try too hard, OP. Feeling relaxed in a relationship isn't something you try for, it's something that comes naturally. If you have to try to relax around someone, you're simply not compatible.

It used to be so easy though. I think I pushed him away being too clingy and over worrying

But that's who you are, and who he is. If he'd been a bit more full on in the first place, you wouldn't have got clingy. If you hadn't gone clingy, he wouldn't have pulled back. This is who you are, as a couple. It's nobody's fault, but it doesn't work. You have been your natural selves, and this is the result. You can't fake your way out of a genuine incompatibility.

Find someone who satisfies your need to cling. Find someone who reassures you when you worry, and preferably someone you barely worry with. I've been where you are. When you realise that the only thing wrong with you is your partner, it's massively liberating. I was single for ages and then met someone who is so loving, I don't get a chance to worry. It's amazing. My partner's the same, and I'm very loving in return. The need to be close isn't a pathology unless you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't like it. Spend time with people who don't make you feel pathological. Spend time with people who naturally meet your needs.