What to make of what he said.

[14yearglitch]

I am a long time mumsnetter but namechanged as I don’t want my other threads linked.

I am with my husband 14 years now. Married most of it with 1 child.

We we’re having a couple of drinks the other day, nothing heavy neither of us drunk. We got talking about our parents dying and I asked him would he be able to say anything at his fathers funeral. He’s the eldest but there isn’t a great relationship between them. He said probably not but that he could say something at his mothers. He’s not a great talker and hates speaking in front of people. I asked him then would he be able to speak at mine if I died. He said he could and I asked what would he say….
his response was “that you looked after me”

I can’t stop mulling it over in my head. That’s all he thinks of me. That I look after him.

For background, he is not very affectionate and never really has been. Our sex life has never been great and it’s now months since we’ve had sex but we do have a good relationship apart from that.

what would you make of that? Am I right to feel a bit hurt. I guess I was hoping for a bit more but I think maybe that the love has gone from our relationship..

I think it's a really nice thing to say. Maybe not worded properly, but to mean, it means that you're caring, unselfish and always there for him.

This sounds like he was put on the spot and is not realistic in terms of what he would actually say most people take time to write up the speech etc I think you should let it go

I think it’s difficult to imagine the reality of losing a partner and in this instance you hit him up with a huge question needing an on the spot answer. I wouldn’t read any negatives into it at all. But you have raised negatives with your relationship and that does need addressing.

I think that maybe the problem is that I feel like that’s all he sees in me. It was like confirmation that he only sees me as someone who takes care of us and our child and our home.

I understand it was a bit on the spot and I wasn’t expecting a lot but not even an I love you…

I’d be far more concerned about the lack of sex, than what he would potentially say at your theoretical funeral, OP.
And if there is no sex and “the love has gone”, then he is probably correct to say that you just look after him - this isn’t a marriage, it’s a friends’ house share.
Would marriage counselling be an option, or have things gone beyond being salvageable?

OP I think you're overthinking it. You put him on the spot and in reality, if/when the time comes he'll have more time to think about what to say.

It’s a bit disappointing, even for somebody put on the spot. Why is the sex not great and very infrequent? Do neither of you want it? Do you not fancy him? Lack of sex in a relationship without understandable reason (e.g. small baby, illness etc) is usually a symptom of wider relationship problems: maybe for him, he does just think of your relationship as one of housemates who take cars of each other.

He has a very very low sex drive. He’s not very into sex and it’s always the same. I have a higher sex drive but I just feel nothing from him to make me want to have sex with him.

yes we are basically Co-parenting in the same house.

Id like the relationship to be salvageable. But i don’t know if it is. We are so at odds with what our sex life should be. The lack of desire or affection has my self esteem in the toilet.

Do not ask questions you do not want the answer to. Especially not of somebody you do not like very much after drinks were had .

Whoa… I NEVER said I don’t like him.

To me, this is the big issue. And what’s good about the funeral conversation is that it has prompted you to reflect on your relationship.

I am no relationship guru but I do know that you are entitled to wish for more than what you have. It doesn’t mean that your relationship was never good, but it does sound like time to move on.

OP - has his sex drive always been low? Ot is that something that happened over time?

Thing is - marriages come in all shapes and forms. For some it’s more companionship and partnership. For others it’s more sexual. I don’t think people judging marriages with less sex as inferior - as fair. However - both people in the marriage must be content with the way it is. And you aren’t.

Can I ask - did you marry him knowing he isn’t very sexual? If so - than it’s not fair to expect/blame him for not changing into a different person.
If your marriage was more sexual and it dropped off over time - then I get your point. And I’d be expecting him to try to try to fix it. Has he at least had his testosterone checked as there may be a medical reason behind his lower drive.

More importantly - your self esteem should not be linked to his libido.

You’re over reacting I think. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, but that for him, the clearest sign of your love for him is that you care for him. That he would be bereft and you were the love of his life, well aside from being a touch cheesy, it says more about HIM than about you? Surely? I mean if my wife died I would be devastated, but I’m not going to stand up in her eulogy and talk about how much I miss her. I would talk about her childhood family and her life and her children (our family). That you care for him is obviously a huge sign to him that you love him.

He has never had a swinging from the chandeliers kinda sex drive. We hit a few stumbling blocks at the start as he’d been single for a long time before we met. It did improve for a while but it’s getting worse as time goes by.

yes I married him know he had a lower drive and yes I am partly at fault. He was very shy when we met and I assumed he would come out of his shell as such as we got more familiar with each other. I was madly in love with him then as he was with me. It was obvious to me how he felt even though he rarely said it but I guess that’s where the insecurity comes in. I don’t feel it any more. I do look after him and I think that’s my way of showing him I still love and care for him but I don’t know if I feel it in return.

I would like to do counselling but I think we would probably go around in circles. Him telling me he loves me but me not ever feeling that love from him.

I think that you are over thinking this xxx I think he meant it in a kind way xx

@14yearglitch

I think in your mind his libido = his love. While in reality it is defined by his biological makeup and not related to how he actually feels about you.

The issue with early relationships is that we create ab image of a person that we fall in love with. And then hope/expect that person to be there and make us feel a certain way. Then with time - people get to know their real partner and relationship either makes it, or we go our separate ways.
You hoped he’ll become more sexual. He didn’t. It’s not really anyone’s fault.

It’s hard to comment on anyone’s relationship based on a few posts. Maybe he indeed checked out of the relationship and makes no effort. Maybe he is just a lazy and selfish partner. So - you don’t feel loved.
Or maybe he does love you just as much but can’t show it with his libido - that you seem to need to feel confident in yourself.

All around it doesn’t seem like an easily solved situation as low libido can’t really be fixed unless it’s a medical issue.

Am I right to feel a bit hurt

There's no right or wrong. Your feelings aren't supposed to obey the rules about what's right and wrong: They make the rules. Yours won't be the same as anyone else's, and nor should they. That's what makes you you.

If you're hurt, you're hurt. And if you feel you're a bit too hurt for the circumstances, you have to look at what the circumstances are triggering. Can you talk to him about the wider issue of sex/self esteem?

His sex drive has nothing to do with how attractive you are, by the way. One person's opinion is just that: one person's opinion. It's not objective, it's not a fact. Your self esteem needs to be guided by what you think of you, not what someone else thinks of you.

It sounds like you have a great marriage. No one likes to talk about the worst things that could happen in life, and you put him on the spot. Smile and enjoy your day.😎

I would like to do counselling but I think we would probably go around in circles. Him telling me he loves me but me not ever feeling that love from him.

Has this always been the case? Maybe counselling could help you each to show the love you feel in ways that the other can see, feel, appreciate. Different love languages can be a real issue. He might think he’s showing his love by working hard when what you really want is for him to tell you with words what you mean to him. You might want to show it by being physical while he’d rather you took interest in a hobby he enjoys. Not amazing examples but that sort of thing.

The sex issue would be a huge deal for me and it’s unlikely it’ll change given he’s always been like that but if you can live with it if other things improved then it’s worth unpicking how you could communicate better as a couple.

I too think his funeral answer is really lovely but given the context I can see why it felt flat and you were hoping he’d say you were the love of his life and mean the world to him. Tell him that. This is your opportunity to have a proper conversation.

OP says she isn’t happy and your response is to tell her she has a great marriage? 🤨