Where to begin?
I’m employed PAYE and DH self-employed. We’re also a second relationship and ten years married. One joint property and DH has another property (with mortgage) which he rents and is his pension pot. Both planned to retire this year.
So .. this evening nice chatter about future plans and adventures. Talk about a holiday this year then came up. He said go ahead and book one!
No problem and lucky to be able to afford it.
But when I suggested dates, he said it would be best between jobs.
I asked what that meant as I thought he was limiting the work he did as we were retiring and taking on small jobs rather than projects.
He said he needed to pay the mortgage off on his rented property and that would take anything between two and four years which is why he needed to keep working.
I made the comment that he’d “moved the goalposts” and then it all exploded.
He said I’d been party to all discussions with the accountant which I had but every time there is a different plan so I got confused and my memory is also fuzzy when it comes to most things these days (I’m blaming the menopause 🥴)
i tried to explain that I just need to know how long I should keep working to make long or short term planning (I enjoy my work too so it’s not a burden) and no point in me giving up work if I couldn’t spend time with him!
He said he couldn’t say and that for me it was easy because I knew exactly how much was coming in every month, unlike him.
He commented on the fact that I was a “nightmare”, that he did everything to sort things for us and that I should be glad of what I had!!
He then said “just F off, F off)
He's now sleeping upstairs and I’m downstairs.
We’ve had similar flare ups in the past but not for a long long time and I’ve get the same dry mouth and shaking feeling. And obviously not sleeping.
When it’s good it’s brilliant which is most of the most but when it’s bad it really makes me feel like sh1t.
Wonder whether this time we might have to admit that we’ve come as far as we can ….. I certainly don’t want to … but not so sure about him. Is this salvageable?
To put other background
Him: ex partner shafted him financially and with two affairs.
Has worked all his life and built up from nothing. Difficult childhood living in poverty. Very closed emotionally. Works incredibly hard and focuses fully on the job … a definite provider.
Me:. Recognise that I’ve made bad behaviour choices in past relationship as would push for a reaction and done my best to not do the same in this one.
To the outside world independent woman but to those who know me well, insecure. Just want to be valued and loved and when I don’t feel it, get upset (this has happened at work too). Need constant validation by friends, colleagues, family and ultimately my partner.
Compared to so many who post this is trivial … but not sure what the morning will bring …