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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why am I feeling this way ?

11 replies

Moominmooomin · 18/06/2022 21:02

I was in a relationship with my ex for 6 years. We had children together. He was abusive, never physical, mainly emotional and financial abuse, sometimes violent outbursts (punching walls etc).

We have been separated now for over 3 years. He has had multiple partners during this time, me, none. I have the children 90% of the time. He does pay child support.

We had been seeing each other on / off until last year June / July. We always ended again as he crept back into old behaviours, mainly affairs with other women.

In August last year he started seeing someone younger, although I have my suspicions there was a cross over period where he was seeing us both. He moved her in that same year and now they’re engaged. I should add that she’s a lovely girl ! And he’s lucky to have her.

They are now moving abroad for a work opportunity and will be gone for at least 2 years.

I have been okay these last few years. Moments of heartbreak but I’m resilient, I keep going despite the odd day / week of wanting to bury my head in the sand. I have changed, my self esteem continues to be on the floor.

Anyway, this week, my most prominent feeling is of devastation. I don’t want him to go. I want him. And I want him to want me.

Why do I feel like this now ? I don’t want to feel this way.

OP posts:
BiscoffSundae · 18/06/2022 21:19

Sounds like it’s just because he has moved on rather than you actually wanting him?

Moominmooomin · 18/06/2022 21:33

@BiscoffSundae do you mean, that you think I only want him because he doesn’t want me ?

OP posts:
BiscoffSundae · 18/06/2022 21:37

Yes seems because he is now taken you want him and you haven’t met anyone

Mumoftwoinprimary · 18/06/2022 21:37

How can you possibly want a man who is happy to live in a different country from his very young children for at least two years? Not any children either. Your children. He would rather live abroad that spend time day to day with your children. Is that genuinely someone that you find attractive?

GreenManalishi · 18/06/2022 21:49

I'd say that because it's been on/off you haven't had to accept the reality that it's over until now, and nothing says over like moving abroad with a new fiance.

It can take years of work to overcome an abusive relationship, and maybe that process has been on hold while you were still involved. Trauma bonds need careful and deliberate unpicking in order to truly move on, get help if you can, I wish you well

Bulldoze · 18/06/2022 21:53

Wow he is sodding off and leaving his children for 2 years? You have them 90% of the time anyway... he is a deadbeat and that should not be attractive

bloodyunicorns · 18/06/2022 21:57

Why would you take him back after emotional abuse?

Why would you take him back after (multiple) affairs?

Sounds like you need counselling to unlock this and help you make earlier choices in future.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 18/06/2022 22:02

Mumoftwoinprimary · 18/06/2022 21:37

How can you possibly want a man who is happy to live in a different country from his very young children for at least two years? Not any children either. Your children. He would rather live abroad that spend time day to day with your children. Is that genuinely someone that you find attractive?

How can you possibly want a man about whom you say this:

He was abusive, never physical, mainly emotional and financial abuse, sometimes violent outbursts (punching walls etc) ... We always ended again as he crept back into old behaviours, mainly affairs with other women ... I have my suspicions there was a cross over period where he was seeing us both.

Isn't it strange how our minds work? I don't think you do want him but I do think you should sit down and think about what it REALLY is that you are feeling.

User1406 · 18/06/2022 22:44

You don't want him. You just think you do.

He's no good for you if he's going to be emotionally manipulative and have affairs with other woman.

You've most likely convinced yourself that one day he would stop the affairs and would be back in your arms as the perfect partner. Now it looks like he's committed to someone else so you're feeling like you missed out.

Make sure you get some fresh air each day, exercise, eat well, nourish your mind and body. I promise you it will lift you up from where you are now. Don't let this one man keep you from feeling your best.

bloodyunicorns · 18/06/2022 23:20

Unlock - unpick

Earlier - better

OhamIreally · 19/06/2022 08:38

I think you want what on the surface the new fiancée looks like she's getting: a bright future with a man who loves her, an exciting new life abroad, whilst you are left behind, single and with all the drudgery.

But she's not getting that - you know he's a selfish abusive arse who can't keep his dick in his pants and that's why you split up: because you're worth more.

It will be hard doing it all on your own, there's no question. I cried an absolute river when my ex told me he was moving 400 miles away as I knew everything would be on me and I felt my life was over.

You will have to build a good new life with your kids and look to the future- it will get better.

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