When you realise your friends don’t care and aren’t really your friends.

[sweetkitty]

So I used to belong to a large group of friends and we would see each other at toddler groups several times a week etc. Kids went to school and this became a bit less, few of them moved away. A couple of my friends started a business together and became really close, babysat each other’s children, had the children around all the time, my children were never invited even though in the Summer holidays I had their children over a few times. Nights out felt like business meetings as all they would do is talk about the business.

Ive been having a very hard time of it recently and have withdrawn from social media, I went on to say this is what’s happened and it’s really affected me that’s why I haven’t really been posting I got all the sorry to hear that messages but since then nothing. I know people have their own lives and I’m not expecting hearts and flowers but I’ve been there when they’ve needed me. I’ve always gave their DC cards and presents for their birthdays but when it was DSs recently nothing. I guess it just makes me sad that we have drifted apart and they are not my friends anymore. So different to my work colleagues who will ask after me every morning.

im just sad I suppose

It's crap but I do think some friends come and go in life. I'm having this will my oldest friend at the moment. She only wants to talk to me about conspiracy theories and other nonsense and I'm having to withdraw. Also another friend who has grown apart from me. I have made some other friends recently though so I think although some stay a lot come and go at different stages of life

It does sound as though some of them were never going to last the distance as good friends. But are there any exceptions? Perhaps one of the group you could contact and see if they fancy a coffee or whatever? If not I guess concentrate on your work colleagues and lower your expectations of the others. Easier said than done I know, hope you are ok.

I've also realised that my friends weren't there for me when i needed them. Lost contact with most of them now and practically a loner. Can't be doing with theae false friendships.

OP I really feel for you

some people are just pants. Increasingly finding more are like that. Im sorry you’re going through this.

Snap 😞 it’s pretty crap at times but I’m not well enough to even think about making new ones. It’s my new normal right now and generally it’s ok

Op thats lousy hope u ok. I found few friends flaky past few years. Didnt help seeing their pics of amazing nights out on facebook. God its hurtful. Ive unfollowed their pages!!

Your work colleagues are in the same category as these friends. When you see someone every day, you ask them how they are and take an interest. You leave work/toddler group and the friendship evaporates. It was real, but just shallow. Relationships like these come and go in life.

Ah OP, I was in a similar position about 2 1/2 years ago. Knew people really well: had holidays together, helped them through difficulties and net up a lot. DS moved on from the hobby shared with their kids and that was it. I texted when I was struggling after my mum had a stroke, I got back very generic “oh dear” replies. Hardly anything since.

I’m just about getting back to making new friends as I was hurt and then covid put an end to socialising. (I have post covid syndrome so find it all very tiring.)

it’s fine to be sad, understandable really. But what do you like to do that would get you out meeting people again? A sport? A book group? Move on, you have lots of new friends to meet.

It’s sad but I am a big believer in the saying: “some people are friends for a reason, some are friends for a season.”

It sounds like perhaps these were friends for a season - and that season has passed.

I do think it's true that people are flakey. Unless you're very lucky to find extremely loyal friends, most people drift in and out of your life depending on how much you have in common at that particular time. It's pants and I feel very sad for you. I'm not minimising in any way how painful it can be, almost as much as a relationship break up sometimes.

It's especially hard when you've been there for them during their difficult times.

I do think it's important to keep open to new acquaintances and friendships as you go through life, so you're not relying so much on a few people. Also about learning to do things on your own. At times I have to do that too.

Been through the same. Friends through toddler
group, nursery and primary. Children got to secondary and, despite me trying to keep up contact, it became obvious that I just wasn’t on their radar (partly because my eldest
went to a different school). I was quite down at the time, wasn’t working and missed the beginning and end of the day chats, but nobody reached out. I very sporadically see a couple of the women (on my terms) but - over time - I no longer feel as needy, after I realised we had a shallow relationship. Lockdown was very eye-opening. The only contact I had, outside my immediate family, was with extended family.

It’s rubbish, OP. I have a lot of friendship love to give but no one to give it to. I now focus on my family, who actually care about me.

Thanks everyone it’s tough when your having a really hard time if it and your friends don’t seem to care oh unless I can do something for them. Don’t speak to me for months then it a text “how are you? Can you look after our dog this weekend?”

Lucky I’m quite a loner and happy with DH and the DC as my family are non existent too

There is another similar thread.

I have realised 'friends' were not good friends over the years when they:

*failed to initiate contact- I did all the texting and calling and when I made a decision to stop, I did not hear from them again.

*failed to be supportive when I went through serious challenges.

*contacted me after months of no contact to share news - new house, new car, new job/business

I am happy having a handful of friends rather than feel let down by supposed friends. My tolerance level has dropped tremendously and I have no more need to feel part of a girlie group a la Sex in The City.

I feel for you OP. Recently realised that my nest friend of 20 years didn't give a flying fuck about me. Thought I'd cool things and leave her to get in touch and she hasn't. Which proves she really doesn't care how much she's upset me. But if there's no genuine care on both sides it ain't a friendship. Sucks but what can you do.

Its hard Meta agree. I recall texting one would she like a walk. Her back was at her. Then pics of her at the gym.!! I decided I had to pull back from these flakes. I was getting nothing from friendship. Its hurtful. I do alot on my own now.

It's hard, isn't it? I totally get that. I'm always there for people and it's always a shock when I realise that I don't get the same in return.

Some people are just like that unfortunately, and some friends just aren't friends.

As you grow older, you learn that people are just so consumed in their own lives that they do tend to neglect friendships a bit.

I also don't think people talk enough about the heartbreak of friendship breakdowns. It's not just romantic relationships that can hurt.