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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Talking to ExDP about new DP moving in.

9 replies

Disco2022 · 18/06/2022 18:49

My Ex and the father of my son, is/was an abusive alcoholic. We broke up a good while ago now, and I have been lucky enough to a) manage to get over the damage done to me in that relationship and b) meet someone who is respectful, kind and restores my faith in relationships. We've been together a decent while, I was really careful with him meeting DS and all has gone well on all fronts, it's coming up to the sort of time where we are considering him moving in with DS and I whilst we save for a deposit for a house for all of us. I know I need to tell ExDP but every conversation I have with him is so volatile and stressful I just don't know how to go about it. Do I just need to rip the plaster off and tell him? Or should I try and set up a time we can talk that's not handover? Should I tell him via text or email so he can react privately and then have space before he has to talk to us? I know I'm over thinking this but I have so many bad experiences of things I tell him "causing" him to go awol drinking for days, or being told that I tell him everything in the wrong way. Any advice?

OP posts:
Disco2022 · 18/06/2022 18:50

Just to note he currently sees DS 2 days a week at his sisters. Previously 50/50 but drinking and mental health meant we went to less.

OP posts:
IstayedForTheFeminism · 18/06/2022 18:51

I didn't tell my ex when new DP moved in. Why would I? He didn't tell me when he moved in with a new DP.

MMmomDD · 18/06/2022 18:53

You don’t need to make any official declarations to your exP. Especially given your history and his drinking/MH.

Disco2022 · 18/06/2022 21:37

Interesting. I think I do, I think- if he was going to live with someone that would have a large impact on our son's life I would expect to know?

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 18/06/2022 21:47

Will your son feel he has to tell him?

Disco2022 · 18/06/2022 22:45

My son is 4 so will tell him for sure, it's not really something I want to or can not tell him, he'll come here to pick DS up, so it will be fairly obvious, I just want to give him a chance to process it, but avoid any ridiculous behaviour.

OP posts:
RoyKentsChestHair · 18/06/2022 23:07

I would email, “just a heads up, xxx is moving in with us next week. See you on Monday as usual” or something

jsku · 20/06/2022 01:10

My divorce came through in pandemic.
Since then both my ex and I started dating. He then moved in with his gf. My bf spends time at my place.
None of us made any official declarations to each other. I didn’t expect him to, and wasn’t going to make announcements myself.
We really only communicate about kids arrangements and schedule.

You aren’t together. Your private life is your own. Your son will mention what he mentions. Your ex will eventually find out about your bf. It’ll be Ok.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/06/2022 02:03

Tell him after it happens. He doesn't deserve a heads-up, and it's not as though he has any power to object. Stop worrying about what he thinks.

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