Why in a relationship, are we confident in the first stages then turn into an anxious mess?

[User8696589]

It’s a pattern I notice - I have my own things going on at the start, super laidback and chilled out. As time goes on, I start becoming anxious, nagging and just not feeling the way I did about myself at the start. Does anyone else experience this?

I can't say I have experienced that, no, but I can think of a couple of possible reasons. One is that as you become more invested, have more feelings for them, it matters more to you what they think. Which you overthink and worry that they are about to dump you, or that things they do are signs that it isn't meant to be. Basicall - the more invested you are, the more it matters if things go wrong.

The second possible reason is that it's effectively your gut saying 'I'm not happy here'.

If it's the former, then perhaps some counselling would help you to work this through, as you will end up creating the very thing you worry about - the relationship going wrong.

Simply because you want things to work out, this is more probably the case if you have maybe experianced setbacks or disapointments in the past, it knocks your confidence.

Less emotionally invested at first, you feel confident you're both into each other, time goes on, if there's any communication breakdown, insecurities creep in, there is no control over how they feel towards you, you have to put trust in them, if something is out of balance, you feel anxious.
Do you know what in particular is causing you anxiety?

"Whoever cares less has the most power" - this is a common phrase used to describe relationships.

The more invested and the more you care, the more anxious you will become about your relationship.

In the early stages, you don't have him really, so you don't have that much to lose. If he leaves you, it's not that hard to swallow. As time goes on, there is more at stake. You'd hurt more if he left. You pay more attention to the small things.

It's not healthy to be in a state of anxiety about your relationship though. You need to find ways to work through it. A good idea is to develop your own friendships and hobbies outside of the relationships.

With people I know who are in relationships, the anxious ones tend to be the ones whose lives revolve around their relationship. Without it, they don't know who they are.

There’s something in the fact that you probably care less early on but I would say that if the relationship’s right for you, you shouldn’t turn into an anxious mess - you should be able to relax into it and enjoy it.

So if you routinely turn into an anxious mess as your relationships deepen, this may be about the people you are seeing or there may be something worth talking through with a counsellor because I don’t think it’s a particularly good sign.

I’m the opposite. An anxious mess in the beginning stages of a relationship but settle down and feel more confident (relaxed?) as it progresses.

I might behave like I’m confident but I don’t feel it. There are conversations I need to have and I can’t settle until I’ve had them.