My husband and I have been through the mill recently and I feel like we are really out the end. I think finally the love is gone and I'm very sad about this. I'm looking for advice and support about to bring this too close with everybody staying friends, at least possible trauma to the children?
We have two kids aged 3 1/2 and 7 1/2. The 3-year-old is pretty robust 7-year-old extremely sensitive. My husband has had depression on and off for the last 7 or so years during which time he had a pretty awful time with trying to do a degree and malpractice really from his tutors, encouraging him to continue and and continue repeating it endlessly so that a 3-year course took six. He quit this last year and then spiralled into a deeper depression in which he was not able to work. Doing this. I took up more and more of the jobs related to running a home home admin childcare. Obviously all the meal prep all the laundry etc etc .Although he seems to be coming out of this now. Throughout this time, his elderly father became increasingly unwell and frail and we took the lion's share of caring for him during his last days he died early this year.
At the beginning of last year I clearly hit early menopause and also with that massive exacerbations of my chronic pain problem along with other complications which led to me having a diagnosis of a genetic condition of which I am now managing better but will stay with me for life. I'm on top of it with HRT and looking after myself and have had a massive life change in terms of my health. For example, we're going to a museum tomorrow and it will be the first time I borrow mobility scooter to be able to do that. I'm sad about all of this but accepting that have to do this sort of thing to be able to live. I can cope with that. I've made a bunch of changes that have made a positive difference for me. For example, I have a home help who comes in to help with the laundry and a bit of batch cooking. Partly of this is picking up the pieces for the things that ordinarily would be done by the other half of a marriage, but partly because I just don't have the strength and energy to do it all .
Also, during all of this our house has had various problems. There was massive damp issue now resolved thankfully. Also at the start of my husband's ill healthy dug up the garden to start landscaping it and has been unable to finish it. So we have two small children but no garden and feel very hemmed in. I recently inherited a large sum of money and I'm able to move to a larger house without selling which I am soooo grateful for this at this time. I had imagined that perhaps if we moved taking our little family unit into a different environment away from all the baggage, we might be able to put the pieces back together again. We've been having therapy recently and it sometimes it seems to be going very well and then sometimes isn't. He has periods when he gets angry with me and then sulks when I get upset about it we are addressing this in therapy but it is so painful. I can see that he's getting over his health problems, but this doesn't seem to be fixing our relationship problems. I've suspected for a long time that he has some neurodiversity either ADHD or ASD or both yet despite a private assessment which said it was probably the case only to be and could only be confirmed with a medical trial. He refuses to accept any of this and the influence this may play on how he processes life .
It's very complicated , emotionally exhausting and I feel like my sympathy has run out.
In therapy last week I actually confronted him about one of the angry outburst he has and he can't accept that I just can't forget that one and put it away the way that I have for years. We have barely spoken since then. This morning he says we just can't go on like this. He always brings it up at the worst moment like just before we're about to go out for swimming lesson I agree and but I've said we can't talk about it in the house when the children around He said. Ok, let's get a babysitter and we'll go out for a drive. I'm feeling scared and sad and don't know what to do.
Last week I feel like I made a decision. Ok let's split up and my plan was that I would first find a property to rent take the pressure off the house buying hunt which is difficult in the area we live at the moment as it is many places and once I had found a rental house then I would say ok that's it . Partly because I don't want to be living for any length of time in an even more hostile atmosphere and partly as it gives me time to come to terms with it and make sure I'm certain. . But it seems like he wants to escalate this sooner and maybe that would be good and a relief.
I am very concerned about the idea of splitting the childcare as I don't believe he has the capability of present to manage both children plus I can't bear to leave them. I left him before Xmas and gained strength from that in that I have confidence that I can cope solo - in fact it's easier as a lot of the time it has felt like I have an extra dependant. I Had a counsellor of my own last year and she reassured me that by saying that because he has an unstable mental health condition and has a history of angry outbursts there's no way the courts would grant him more than one or two overnights fortnight or something like that. However, the thought of having to fight him for that really upsets and worries me- when I don't think he has the objectivity to see where his capabilities are not. He's been in denial about his health so much over the years.
His filters in terms of discussing things in front of the children are not good and I really fear that it will become acrimonious I don't want it to. I also don't want to hurt him. I still really like him and care for him as a friend but I just don't think I love him anymore.
Also is there a way that I can prepare the children without telling them exactly what but give them skills to adapt to change or I'm not sure what.
Apologies at the grammar's a bit funny. I use voice typing for a bit of fatigue management. Also thanks for reading for the end, of rather a long post.