6 weeks ago I asked my DH if 20 years to move out for a month. My head was all over the place. We were arguing none stop, truth be told I think we have both been unhappy for a while. We have always had to work on the marriage and it's never been smooth. Resentment built up on both sides and neither of us were giving it getting what we needed. I reached a point where I couldn't do it anymore.
I had an individual counselling session and he told me he was abusive, he had been verbally abusive a few times and was gaslighting me. I took the word of someone I had spoken to for an hour and made the decision to ask him to go. I think she kind of confirmed what I thought was happening but the house had been a pressure cooker for so long and I didn't seem to know reality from fiction.
He begged me not to and I held firm. I enjoyed it for a couple of weeks, freedom, release of pressure and space to think. But when the reality kicked in I started having panic attacks and started messaging him begging him to come back and saying how much I regretted the decision. I was very mixed up with my feelings. I wasn't coping and one night had a kind of mental episode.
He held firm and said no. Suddenly he was cold, saying his gut was we weren't right, he wanted to take a 6 month contract on a house. I couldn't understand why he didn't want to try for our marriage and two kids. I didn't want him to come back to an unhappy marriage or that environment but I wanted us to try.
I soon found out why. He had slept with someone else within a few weeks of going. Apparently they had a connection, he's not felt like this for a long time., I made him feel lonely, didn't treat him well, I told him to go. I have accepted my part to play in this but he doesn't seem able to do the same. Almost blaming me. Which he denies. He only told me as a friend found out and gave him an ultimatum..
I was very angry, ranted at him etc. couldn't believe he had done this. It wasn't a drunk one night stand, there were lunches etc and a weekend away.
He now tells me he thinks we can work but her confused. He's seeing a counsellor. He's not sure what he wants etc. I tell him if he wants any chance with me he ends it with her. He doesn't immediately say he will and I've not heard he has since. It's like he's keeping her on the back burner as his head is so messed up. I told him I won't be waiting around. Although I was extremely angry and can't believe he's done this to me. I have cried at the betrayal and how easily he could throw out 20 year relationship away I am not devastated.
He is texting me now after he had all the power. It's like he wants me back now I am getting strong. He's still talking about 6 months in another house but saying he feels sick at the thought, like I should be sympathetic. Saying we can see where we are come sept kind of talk all whilst not breaking up with OW.
I am very up and down. Originally he made me feel like we could make it work. But I realised the conversation was all about him justifying what he did as I didn't treat him well. About what I would change. Nothing on his part about how he made me feel.,his part towards why I got to the point of asking him to move out. Nothing about what he needs to change. As I get stronger I am feeling like I could be ok being single although it's a scary thought.
Wondering what peoples thoughts are on this situation?