Should I tell my husband how much I despise my body?

[Reginaldina]

I despise my body. I'm about 1 to 2 stone over weight, 47 years old, 2 young children. Lots of cellulite on thighs, upper arms, wobbly mum tum and hardly any waist, just small and wide, like a tree trunk or rectangle. I generally eat quite healthily meals but I'm addicted to sugar/sweets/biscuits/bread and have regular binges. I lost a few stone last year and got into a bit of a fitness routine and felt great (I think I looked really healthy too), but I always seem to not be able to stick it out and put the weight or most of it back on. I've always had a lower sex drive than my husband, but not massively different, and woudl even initiate sex. Since having the kids, work, lack of exercise or time to exercise, some tough times in our relationship, bereavements, exhausted, you know how it goes, I've just got wobblier and more disgusted in how I look. I feel really uncomfortable when we have sex, he tries to make eye contact but I mostly keep my eyes closed when he's looking at me, try to keep covered up, can only really relax with the lights off. I would never initiate it now, can't imagine how I look to him naked. I was never, ever a massive fan of my looks anyway, grew up feeling and looking like the ugly one (I have a lovely, pretty older sister, everyone doted on her and mentioned how pretty she was), only rarely when done up or wearing a certain colour have a thought I looked o.k., for me. Have deleted or thrown away hundreds of photos of myself. Hate having my photo taken.
My husband has heard me making the odd derogatory comment and said don't be daft, or you don't look hideous (if I've said that about myself), but I'm conscious that he thinks I've just gone off him (I have at times when we've not been getting along) and that I can't bear the sex with him, when generally, it's that I think I look disgusting and I can't understand why anyone would want to go near me with a barge pole. Should I share this with him, or is it better to keep it to myself? I don't know if by sharing it will make him 'see' me more in the light that I see myself and be quite damaging. I'm not fishing for compliments off him, I wouldn't believe them anyway, I just don't want him to think badly of himself. He's got a really fit body by the way, toned. And my children are beautiful, I don't know how I did that! Any advice about whether and how to tell him?

I’d tell him, and ask him to help you exercise and ditch the crap food in the house.

What would be your aim?
If you tell people often enough how ugly, stupid, unattractive etc. you are, they start to believe it, or they get tired of propping you up. Both would not help your case and you cannot use your partner for therapy and expect to keep an equal relationship.

You can tell him you're feeling unhappy with your body (and I think you should, as at the moment he thinks it's a problem with your attraction to him) without going into the detail you have here and pointing out every percieved fault.
You should also tell him how the lifestyle issues are making you feel as there may be things he could do so you're less exhausted and have time for excercise etc.

Sorry you’re feeling so bad.

I think you need to talk to him. Not to tell him you’re a horrible beast when he knows you’re not and that isn’t how he sees you at all, but to let him know you’re in a slump and the lack of intimacy is about how you feel about yourself not how you feel about him. You’d be adding to your woes if your marriage fails because you’ve got a massive misunderstanding and while you’re suffering with such poor self imagine he’s starting to feel shit about himself and rejected and miserable too.

Talk to the man. He’s your husband, he’s there to share your burdens.

I would put it in a different way, say you're unhappy with your weight, it's putting you off having sex and can you work together to improve things. You need to work on loving and appreciating yourself too, that body gave birth to too wonderful children so it really can't be bad.

*two

We have a lovely binge eating support thread going atm, I’ll just grab the link for you if you want to join.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/eating_disorders/4566940-binge-eaters-accountability-thread?page=8&reply=117954353

I’d tell him because I think you need the support and to make sure he knows it’s not about him. It sounds like you have always had a problem with self esteem and body image. If it’s affecting your quality of life it might even be worth getting help for. Your GP might be able to refer you to a therapist.
Try to remember that your husband is clearly attracted to you and it’s for a reason! Looks aren’t everything but by the sound of it, I bet anything you have way too hard on yourself in that description.
Definitely talk to your husband. It’s not right to say things like you despise how you look….that’s too harsh on yourself.
When you mentioned the photo thing, it made me wonder.. have you ever heard of body dysmorphic disorder? If your negative view of how you look is causing you to feel so bad, maybe look into it.
I really wish you the best. So sorry that you feel this way x

Should I share this with him, or is it better to keep it to myself? I don't know if by sharing it will make him 'see' me more in the light that I see myself and be quite damaging

I would share it. I did the same recently and we've changed a few things to take the load off a bit. We've also had to change our eating habits as I can't get away with that my partner does. I was pretty much an open book, I had to be to take control of it. It's been positive.

It won't change how he sees you, you won't be less attractive. You need a bit of a break to change how you see yourself. You need to feel good. Tell him how you feel, what you think would help you feel better, changes you can make. Good luck.

No I wouldn’t tell him, what would be the purpose? Tell a therapist instead.

Allow your DH the agency to decide for himself what is attractive.

I think it might also help to work on deprogramming the fatphobia that has unfortunately been instilled in most of us. Sometimes life gets busy and we gain weight and it's ok. You still have worth. Yes of course work towards your fitness goal if you want to look/feel differently, but I hope you can find a way to not hate yourself in the meantime. There's a new book out "You are not a before picture" by a body positive Instagrammer I follow who is amazing.

*I'm not in kahoots with the author but I just really love that idea of not being a "before" picture.

im only going to comment on the photograph reaction you have,
I feel the same when I look at some of mine, I cant seem to take a good photo for trying.
This despite being told I have a lovely face and excellent skin. abundant hair and my own teeth still at the age of 60.
some faces just don't photograph well. cut yourself some slack, husband still fancies you thats a big plus

It's not nice to put on weight but your body is actually amazing.
You've birthed 2 wonderful children and i bet you can do some marvellous things with your body like run, swim, walk and dance.
Please appreciate this wonderful body and deal with the wobbly bits through positivity.

That ^^
But honestly... my partner is the same. He wouldn't take his top off around me, he's so conscious of his weight and he's always "it's like beauty and the beast" etc etc
I don't notice his weight in any way except neutrally. I love his eyes, how kind he is, his arms, his smile, everything about him. He isn't his weight, it doesn't define him and I have no idea why he thinks I'm perfect
Be a little kinder to yourself, eat well, exercise for health and get out from under the duvet

I would tell him but frame it in a "need you on side to help me help myself to improve my health and fitness and also our relationship". It would be really sad if your DH thought you weren't interested in him anymore. Tell him you think he is fit too! And present him with a few strategies rather than a list of woes.

Honestly op, you are being so hard on yourself. What would you tell a friend who presented you with the same issue? Be kinder to yourself. Your husband still finds you desirable for a reason! Work on your health and fitness for your own sake by all means but your character is more important than your looks. Most men mainly want someone who is kind, positive, warm and enthusiastic with a good sense of humour.

Maybe get a babysitter and take your husband out for a nice meal? Tell him you want to work on a few things including your self esteem. And perhaps seek some counselling to help with your mindset.

Seriously op, in the kindest possible way, try and be brave and find a way out of your own head, maybe with some support from a counsellor or psychologist. You have already taken the first step by posting here. You have a DH who loves you and two gorgeous DC. Many people would be so happy to have that! I hope you can very soon get to a place where you are able to enjoy it! You don't want to look back years from now and think "what a waste". Good luck

Thanks so much everyone for your lovely kind and helpful responses. Quite a lot of them made me cry.
I have been out today and bought new bras and jeans that actually fit, and make me feel and look good. I also bought new leggings for exercising in. After posting last night I did a boxercise video and another one just now (can't hardly move my arms, lol). My husband has been away with the DC camping but is back tomorrow, so I will be brave and tell him how I feel about my body (maybe not full disclosure) and how I need more time to do exercise so I feel better. And that it's not him it's me etc. Feeling more positive already 😊

That's a brilliant update op. Good for you!

Well done, that sounds excellent! I’m so glad you posted and are you going to treat yourself better. You deserve to feel loved and appreciated - by yourself most of all. Good underwear is a game changer and makes everything else you wear look and feel better. Take it slow, baby steps become sustainable. And come at changes from a place of positivity and self care. You deserve to look after after yourself body, your physical and mental health. The more you do it the more you’ll have to give other people. And investing in communication and intimacy with your husband will make you both feel more connected and closer. Happier days ahead.

How did the talk go OP?

I really hope he was supportive and you feel better for having shared this burden.

Good luck - I'm so glad you are feeling more positive since sharing on here

I think you need to reframe your internal misogyny and fatphobia, OP.

Also, in the nicest possible way, maybe recognise no one really gives a toss what you look like. People are too busy with their own lives. And I imagine your DH is the same.

If my DP had to put so much stress and effort in to the thought behind having a frank conversation - about something as trivial as hating their upper arms, I'd be wondering what was actually wrong.

Your selfesteem needs to be worked on. You need to realise your self worth isn't based on how you look. Especially after mid life.

I wouldn't tell him in the terms you express here because your reaction is so extreme right now. Despise your body? Despise the living machine that keeps you upright and moving, giving nbirth to your DC, holding them etc. Your body is a while lot more than the few pounds of extra weight you carry. That degree of hatred sounds like self-hatred. And you need to deal with that.

It sounds a bit woo, but try thanking your body for all it does for you, just in your mind - noting what it has coped with and come through. Start nurturing it in all the ways you can think of, with healthy food, lots of water, exercise, beauty regimes etc. Dress it in comfortable clothes that look good. Treat it like a stray dog you have agreed to care for - with gentle respect and affection.

I'd do this and all I'd tell DH is: I've decided to lose a few pounds so at the moment I'm not buying biscuits and sweets.