Husband wont take critically important medicines

[Lostandlost]

I dont know if this is tangentially off but husbands side family has exceptionally good longivity genes. Every one has/had major illeness and morbid obesity yet they usually outlive others who seem to be active, healthy and fit. They just keep floating by with all the illness and use up other people for help. The people who help pass away so they move on to the next person who can help. Eg, My MIL ( who replaced both her knees because she was morbidly obese) took major favors from her younger cousin because she could not do many things. The cousin passed away ( mil did not attend her rituals thou) and she moved on to the next cousin for help.

The family thinks all health realted things ( excersise, diet, meditation etc ) aremajor hoax. They dont have empathy for anyone who dies young, they think they deserve it and people who dont live longer anyway.

My H has severe psoriotic arthritis and his liver has run into circhosis because he did not take medication properly. However six months ago, the doctor said he has also fatty liver so if he reduces weight, it will help. He has put on 7kgs since then.
My child has got chicken pox and the doctor was more concerned about him than my DD because he is severely immunosuppressed gave anti-virals and guess what... he wont take them as he thinks the doctor is being over dramatic.

My question is, how do you ignore this level of ignorance?. How do I just leave his decissions to himself and still sleep knowing that he ( my H and my kids father) might end up in hosptial icu ( or worse) with severe chickenpox?

I know I will get 'why do you stay with him' .. I agree that is the issue but for now I am just looking to keep myself at peace in this moment. My big plans are in the pipeline , just not yet.

*Sorry liver fibrosis..NOT cirrhosis

I think you just have to say "oh well" - he was given the drugs if he refuses to help himself by taking them it is neither your fault or your responsibility to keep him well. Maybe have a look at some of the resources for familes of alcoholic/drug users etc as there is alot of info about being married to someone who won't help themselves.

The bigger issue as it seems you are aware is to get out before he relies on you to prop up his health choices and make sure your kids are also not set up to be the skivvys of family who think they are entitled!

Sympathies OP, this sounds like a really shitty situation. This might be a shitty question as well, but how would you feel about leaving him to it? Let him make his own decisions and take the consequences?

Ultimately, it's up to him whether he takes his medication or not. How does he actually receive it? Does he ask for a prescription? Take it to the chemist, take them home then not take them?

I think you do just need to detach , he’s got the drugs , he’s an adult and knows the risks so let him kill himself if he wants to .

I suppose you just keep reminding yourself that as an adult with mental capacity he is entitled to his own health beliefs and his own autonomous decision making and that you can't change either of those.

In reaching these decisions he has weighed up the risks/ benefit to him in his own way and has decided he prefers the outcome of not taking his meds. His prerogative and his responsibility, not yours. Just remember that. If he has factored in you picking up the pieces then that was his mistake.

It all sounds very ingrained so whilst you could let him know that if he becomes ill through not taking these meds then your focus will be at home with the children, not in ICU with him, I get the impression you've tried discussing, explaining etc. The time has come to accept this is who he is and you do not need to shoulder any emotional fallout from his flawed decision making.

If you have plans afoot to leave then focus on those in the knowledge that any adverse effects that he experiences are of his own doing (if he has chosen not to cooperate with treatment).

Please do not wear yourself into the ground for this man.

I’m sorry, this sounds like a horrible place to be for you - and your children.

I deal with this issue as part of my job to some extent.

The answer is, there’s nothing you can do to make him, and pressuring him will not help. But I expect you know this already!

You may find that being very, very open minded, genuinely non judgemental and asking very open questions get more of a dialogue going, such as:

“how do you feel about doing/not doing XYZ”

“what are your thoughts on XYZ”

“what things are you worried about with XYZ”

“I want to see things from your point of view - can you tell me more about your thinking in XYZ”

This will be hard for you because (for valid reasons) you are going to feel judgemental, as in you have real reasons to want him to think a particular way on this subject.

Do you think he could be persuaded to have counselling with you? (I am anticipating that you will say he thinks this is also a big con 😔 ). I think there are usually factors at play in situations like this that are deep rooted, especially if brought up to think like this.

Otherwise I suppose it’s a decision about if you want to be there to care for him through self inflicted ill health and death. How awful. How lucky he is that you care about him even though he doesn’t care for himself it seems!

He has responsibility for himself and he is living how he wants to. That is his choice.
He also has a responsibility to his family, but he’s not prepared to do it for you.
I’m not sure that I could live with that selfishness.

You have to accept that you’ve done what you can bar forcing the meds down his throat. He’s a grown, intelligent man who doesn’t have any reason to stop him from taking the meds eg cannot physically open the packet/cannot swallow. He knows the risks.
let him crack on with it and don’t pander to his needs if he suffers any consequences of his actions.

Like all of us he retains the right to choose whether or not to take on board health professionals advice & to not take medication. Similar to you retaining the choice to look after him if he becomes debilitatingly unwell or choosing not to do this.

Quite often people make a deal with themselves about indulging in unhealthy behaviour by saying they'd rather live how they want & die a few years earlier however that's not exactly the choice they are really making as it's far more likely they may live a number of years at the end of their life unable to take themselves to the loo, walk down the road, being able to get out of bed or many other negative outcomes.