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Original poster

Upset and stressed by a family argument

20 replies

clarej123x · 17/06/2022 13:23

Advice on a family issue?

Hi, I’m feeling a bit hurt about something and I need a bit of advice / perspective or other peoples opinions:

My Nana’s son, (my uncle) still lives with her at 40. He’s an alcoholic and has never been able to stand on his own two feet and is generally quite horrible to her.

My nana can’t walk and requires care and it’s shared out in the family. My uncle does nothing and won’t help even though he lives with her.

2 months ago he announces he’s moving out and started to get everything in order to move.

Then recently he said he can’t move out as he has to care for my nana and look after her. I seen red and told him he does nothing and not to use her as an excuse.

The next day I was with my nana at the shops and she told me he had been saying I was rude and disrespectful and she told me she had said to him that it ‘wasn’t my place to say’ and that ‘it was out of order’

I was so upset and still I am. I eventually rang her to sort it out and she said:

‘I know you were sticking up for me but I’m in a difficult situation in this house’

‘I wasn’t slagging you off or being horrible about you I was just saying it’s not your place to say’

So I kinda put it behind me but I still feel so hurt and as if I was being slagged off.

Advice/perspective needed... do I bring this up with her again I don’t want this to spoil our relationship I love her dearly and we’ve always been so close and I just feel upset that I’ve been slagged off.

OP posts:
Tractorcrisis · 17/06/2022 13:28

I don’t think you are being ‘slagged off’ - and your Nana will realise your intentions are good.

Do you think your Nana wants him there, even though he does little to support? Does she like his company? When you say ‘horrible to her’ is he abusive?

StopFeckingFaffing · 17/06/2022 13:34

Your uncle is clearly a knob which your Nana probably knows deep down but he is also her son

I can understand why you lost your temper with him but ultimately your Nana is right and you probably haven't made her life any easier why arguing with your uncle

I'm sure what has happened hasn't changed the way your Nana feels about you so I would try not to stress too much about it

justamushypea · 17/06/2022 13:34

Your nan and your uncle probably still see you as the younger generation of the family and feel that it isn't your place to criticise.

Your nana just doesn't want to be caught in the middle and for her sake I would let it go and not bring it up again. They know how you feel now and if your nan is ok with her son living there then I'd let it lie

ChairPose9to5 · 17/06/2022 13:37

I think she gets it, but he's her son, who still lives at home at 40vand she is in a difficult situation i guess.

Original poster
clarej123x · 17/06/2022 13:41

Yeah I think she does want him there. I wouldn't say he's abusive he just moans at her if she asks him to do anything, won't do any house work and the odd time shouts at her.

OP posts:
JellyBellyNelly · 17/06/2022 13:42

Op, your Nana is n a difficult situation. She knows her son is a waster but she’d probably rather have him under her roof so she can keep an eye on him. She might even prefer that to living on her own. She was keeping the peace by saying what she did and you should try not to take it to heart. You love your Nan so please try and accept she did what was best for her even though it seems very unfair.

you sound like a granddaughter anyone would love to have in their life v

Original poster
clarej123x · 17/06/2022 13:42

ChairPose9to5 · 17/06/2022 13:37

I think she gets it, but he's her son, who still lives at home at 40vand she is in a difficult situation i guess.

Yeah

OP posts:
Original poster
clarej123x · 17/06/2022 13:45

StopFeckingFaffing · 17/06/2022 13:34

Your uncle is clearly a knob which your Nana probably knows deep down but he is also her son

I can understand why you lost your temper with him but ultimately your Nana is right and you probably haven't made her life any easier why arguing with your uncle

I'm sure what has happened hasn't changed the way your Nana feels about you so I would try not to stress too much about it

Yeah I don't think it's changed anything my head just can't seem to let it drop :(

OP posts:
Fullsomefrenchie · 17/06/2022 13:48

Op that’s her son and she’s right, it’s not your place to say.

Original poster
clarej123x · 17/06/2022 13:56

JellyBellyNelly · 17/06/2022 13:42

Op, your Nana is n a difficult situation. She knows her son is a waster but she’d probably rather have him under her roof so she can keep an eye on him. She might even prefer that to living on her own. She was keeping the peace by saying what she did and you should try not to take it to heart. You love your Nan so please try and accept she did what was best for her even though it seems very unfair.

you sound like a granddaughter anyone would love to have in their life v

Thank you , yes I love my Nan.

I'm just a bit upset that she slagged me off , or at least that's what it feels like.. :(

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 17/06/2022 14:01

She's right. She didn't slag you off. She's the one who's reliant on other people and has to put up with him.

What difference did you think sounding off at an alcoholic bum would make?

Fullsomefrenchie · 17/06/2022 14:02

She didn’t slag you off. Not even close.

youre just being immature and pissed off you got told off.

GroggyLegs · 17/06/2022 14:05

She probably said it to appease Uncle Knobhead as much as anything. I'd imagine your comments left him in a foul mood & she's left in a house with a mardy, difficult man who she probably depends on for stuff we take for granted & who shouts at her😞

She hasn't got much choice but to be on his side, and what she said was very mild, definitely not slagging you off.

I understand your frustration, but put yourself in your Nan's shoes.

Original poster
clarej123x · 17/06/2022 14:05

Fullsomefrenchie · 17/06/2022 14:02

She didn’t slag you off. Not even close.

youre just being immature and pissed off you got told off.

I'm not being immature and I'm not pissed off.

I'm upset if you can't tell, I'm very self conscious about people talking about me behind my back and when I heard I was upset and am asking for advice on how to deal with it.

Didn't come here to be more upset, I came for advice

OP posts:
Fullsomefrenchie · 17/06/2022 14:11

Well then op manage it like an adult. You don’t get to “see red” verbally attack your uncle and then get upset with your grandmother. She might need physical help but she sounds like a lady who has a full grasp of her mental faculties and whi can manage her own son.

I understand you have issues about people talking about you behind your back, but when you behave like this then you can expect it to be discussed and dealt with.

the mature way to handle it would have been to ask your grandmother if she wished you to discuss your uncles living arrangements with him. Not just see red and attack him and expect it to go uncommented on.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 17/06/2022 14:15

She didn't slag you off, that's just ridiculous. She correctly told you it isn't your place to say anything. She's done nothing wrong. She sounds like she has enough stress in her life without you also adding to it.

Original poster
clarej123x · 17/06/2022 14:21

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 17/06/2022 14:15

She didn't slag you off, that's just ridiculous. She correctly told you it isn't your place to say anything. She's done nothing wrong. She sounds like she has enough stress in her life without you also adding to it.

I'm not trying to add to her stress. He blamed her and I stuck up for her that's it. I help my nana all the time with things and try to make her life easier. I will not get involved again

OP posts:
Sittingonabench · 17/06/2022 14:42

his opinion of you doesn’t matter - it’s worthless. Your mama’s opinion of you is different and does matter to you. But there are frictions between the generations in terms of these things. For me I would frame it as she thinks it’s not your place, you believe it absolutely is your place to defend your nana, particularly against family who are out of line. If you speak to her explain this difference of opinion and that even if it is not your place you will always defend her because you love her and because it is the right thing to do. Her emotions and loyalty are torn and I would try to understand this. Her taking your side would make her life difficult which is not what you want but perhaps a neutral approach would be better

Vapeyvapevape · 17/06/2022 14:47

Living with an alcoholic is extremely difficult and I guess she just said it to keep the peace.

orbitalcrisis · 17/06/2022 15:14

Some families thrive on drama, leave them to it.

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