he called his ex affair partner

[throwaway7638]

just found out my husband called his ex affair partner last week. judging by length of call ti was a matter of seconds.

1. why has he got her number!!
2. if it was over why is he calling her!!!!!!

I am going to speak to him tonight about this I just need to vent here

Do you think he will try again which is why her contact is there!?

Sorry I know that came off abit demanding. I know no one knows what his intentions are but if it was a mistake and there was a regret and especially if she 'wasn't interested' her number STILL being there is a ginormous red flag?

Makes me think he will try again?

If you can’t trust what your husband says then surely the relationship is dead regardless of whether he meant to call or not.

Well I can't trust him at this moment in time, no

Of course you think he will try again, that's totally understandable given that he's recently had an affair. He would need to be working absolute overtime to bend over backwards to ensure you can rebuild the trust, even if you were willing to give him the opportunity, which a lot of people would not. Don't get too bogged down in the details, it's happened don't deny your reality. Try to concentrate on what you want now.

Have you posted about this before @throwaway7638? The affair and the number and the keeping of the number all seems very familiar!

Either way, you can't trust him so attempting to decipher his behaviour is just kicking a cab down the road...

I do want to keep our family together we have a daughter with additional needs so breaking up our family unit would be so tough. I think I'd be ok (still really mad but less angry than I am now) if he had blocked her which shows me there is future intent there? I wanted to know if others think the same so I don't sound so paranoid!

I do have an account on here velvet as I post a lot about my daughter and het a lot of support and advice on here however this is the first time I have posted about my marriage which is why I have used a throwaway as I feel ashamed.

How did you find out?

Do you know this because you were checking his phone? And presumably he doesn’t know you check up on him?

Those two reasons alone mean you don’t trust him and it looks like you are correct not to. The what’s and the why’s are a bit irrelevant. I am sorry for you. But this will be your life forever if you continue to put up with this.

If you are checking his phone you can't trust him? Tough one. Only thing to do is ask him.

I wasn't checking his phone. I went to call someone as my phone had ran out of battery. Before then I thought we were ok. Even after the affair before.
Do you think his actions show further intent?

Yip. The fact he still has her number and hasn't deleted it shows he hasn't really blocked her out his mind. He may say he kept the number so he would know not to answer if she called but that is BS. If I were you I would insist on deleting the number and getting himself a new phone number so she has no way of contacting him in the future - if you intend to stay together.....Good luck x

What do you think his actions show, more importantly? You discovered seven months ago that your husband was having an affair. I'm not sure what agreements you have made between you since then or the steps that have ben taken to rebuild the trust that has been broken.
Of course you want to keep you family together, and many relationships survive multiple affairs over many years because it's the deal that they've both agreed to as it works for them.
I think that rather than getting bogged down on the detail of was it a drink dial, was it an accidental call, you take step back and look at the situation from a longer term perspective and decide if this is a person you want to remain partnered , and if so renegotiate your relationship going forward so it works for both of you.

What do you all think? Do you think if it was a regretted decision he would have wiped her and do you think him keeping her contact that he intends to contact her again?

With respect, everyone's already given you their opinion. Its all irrelevant because the trust is gone. He shouldn't have her details, the fact he does means yes he probably intends to contact her again or the affair never ended and for the most part he's been hiding it better.

How did you find out about the affair, how long did it go on for and what agreements did you make in order to keep your relationship going? Did you agree that he would remove the number from his phone and never contact her again? Is she likely to be somewhere he goes, so he will bump into her? If so did you agree that he would no longer go there? The important point is, is he doing what he needs to do to repair the trust he has broken to enable you to stay in the relationship, not the other way around.
It's possible he doesn't regret the affair, he might do, I think that's not really the point here. I'd be more interested in what you've agreed between you to move forward, and whether that's being respected, or if he's showing you clearly with his actions that he doesn't give a sh*t about you and your relationship and his home with the kids by continuing to take actions to undermine your marriage by going against the agreements you have made.

There's a reason why he has her number and why he rang her. You just have to find out what it is.

I’ve been in your position.

With hindsight, I’d end it now if I were you.

i lurched on for a couple of miserable years, with this kind of thing happening periodically, but there’s no getting over it.

It’s truly shite but better now than down the line

@WouldBeGood very sorry you have been in this position

@Ishacoco he is home in an hour and I'm going to speak to him once kids are in bed. I didn't come on here for people to tell me there's nothing going on..I just need reassurance that he obviously has an intention of calling her again and that's why he has her details because then I have something fairly solid to discuss with him you know

One of the prerequisites for reconciliation after an affair is absolutely no contact with the affair partner. None. Zero.

Keeping their number is clear intent. It is showing he wanted to contact her when the dust settles and he now has tried.

You are not paranoid. You're absolutely justified.

@Sofacouchboredom yes and it's the intent that actually upsets me the most. If it was just a spur of the moment thing that he regretted, he'd have blocked her

He 100% intended to contact her again. He wouldn't have her number otherwise. If he truly regretted what he did, he wouldn't even dream of risking his marriage again.

Yes he would have blocked her, but he should have blocked her a LONG time ago. Having her number in the first place breaks reconciliation and is clear demonstration of his lack of remorse or even care for your feelings.