Unhealthy obsession

[Stupidmiddleagedlady]

I'm embarrassed to admit it but I have an obsession with another man that I can't shake off. He comes in and out of my life when it suits him and each time I fall readily into his bed again. I know he doesn't want a relationship. He is a twice divorced serial shagger. I am married and each time I tell myself to stop I get drawn by in again when one of us contacts the other. I want more, he doesn't and I just accept the breadcrumbs on offer. I am depressed, anxious and a shell of the person I used to be. I constantly check whether he is online. Not excusing my behaviour and I know I am horrible but how do I close the door once and for all?

Don't accept breadcrumbs .. wait for a proper sandwich

You don't say who he is or why he can come back in your life like this... for example, is he family? is he the father of your children? This makes it harder to cut contact which is what you would need to do when it gets this obsessive.
Cull him out of your life. Block him everywhere and avoid him. Don't indulge in thinking about him. Go cold turkey detox and immerse yourself in new hobbies, new people and interests.

Is he worth losing your marriage over and destroying you family?

Tell your husband to get a STI check.

Are you unhappy with your marriage?

@ pastaa No he is not the father of my children. He is someone from the past who I bumped into a few years ago. I do have issues about becoming obsessive about things. That anxious sick feeling just never goes away.
@Coachwork No he's not.

You should end your marriage. Doesn't sound like you are very happy in it and your husband deserves some respect

Google intermittent reinforcement.

That’s what’s happening. Your brain is clucking for a dopamine hit. It’s the same process as playing a fruit machine basically.

the initial part to change would be the behavioural side. Not checking your phone, looking at his socials etc.
you can’t stop the obsessions (thoughts) but you can control whether you act on them or not. When you reduce the compulsions (behaviours) the thoughts reduce.

Don't worry about closing the door it doesn't sound like you ever will, leave your husband instead, he deserves much better than this. Also tell him what you've done so he can get an STI check. Your behaviour is disgusting, you need to be alone and work long and hard on your self esteem and self respect as you don't seem to have any.

Thanks for this!

I've been in a similar situation, I think you are unhappy in your marriage and this guy if offering something different (not better but different) you are maybe addicted to the buzz when he texts or when you see him? The excitement or the thrill?
I've been obsessed with someone and now its all in the past, he really isn't that special and it was definitely my gut trying to tell me something in my relationship was off

its all about willpower.

What’s so addicting about him? Is he especially good-looking or different from your husband?
You know you are putting your husband’s health at risk - you have absolutely no idea who else this man is having sex with.
I do think you need to tell your husband- I bet that will help close the door (as it were).

This.

Happened to me also. In the end, I realised it was my marriage that was dead. I ended it. There had been no affection, sex or intimacy in my marriage for many years. I had to listen to myself. I was also peri-menopausal/menopausal at the time so this can also make your feelings magnified!

Get rid of him. Please. For your sake.

I get drawn by in again when one of us contacts the other.

Block him on absolutely everything, that way it's a lot easier to stay away.

Thank you for your replies. I know I am a disgusting person and deserve all that is coming to me.

@Stupidmiddleagedlady
Stop feeling sorry for yourself! Your not silly so stop acting like it. You know your not a disgusting person so stop talking rubbish. You know full well it’s him whose disgusting and that he is taking the complete piss out of you whilst your in a vulnerable state emotionally.

How do you close the door once and for all? Admit your looking at this guy through rose tinted glasses, cherry picking all the good bits, the fun, the laughing, the sex and not seeing that his treating you like shit, taking the piss out of you and making you miserable much more than his making you happy. Admit it! And get angry for goodness sake, I’m mad for you!

No point in telling you to block him because let’s face it, your not going to do that are you. Instead get your butt out the door and go do something, clean the house, distract yourself, fall into your work and find things to satisfy your life. Look to see if his online as your guilty pleasure if you like but make that the boundary!!! Do not text him, do not reply back, that’s going over your boundary….stick to your line.
He doesn’t want you! You don’t want him, you just want the “fun, new, different” that’s all.

Woman up, your worth more than this shit, go be happy.