I don’t know if this’ll make sense.. but is this normal progression of a relationship?

[halfmoons]

ill try my best to write this so it makes sense.

im 23, ive been in a relationship for 10 months now. my boyfriend is ever so lovely and we get on so well, i feel there is a future there. but im wondering if its normal to be a bit more “assuming” in a relationship.

what i mean by this is that my boyfriend seemed “amazed” by me at the beginning - he’s very expressive and would always say things like “wow you’re just fantastic” / “you’re amazing with my nephews its so nice to watch” / “miss your face cant wait until I see you”.

now, it’ll just be said if i ask, he will say “of course I do/of course I am” very lovingly but he rarely says it off his own back anymore, only sometimes. he does really try, I have communicated this to him and its sometimes clear that he’s trying, but then it tails off again. and sometimes I think, it came so naturally to him at the beginning, is it normal to have to ‘try’. he says it’s normal because it should be assumed now, and he said he was like that before because it was all new and exciting.

its hard to tell because he does try and he says he wants a future etc. he is extremely lovely.

is this a usual pattern for relationships? I’ve never been in a serious one before. thank you all.

Yup, it’s normal, it settles into its own comfortable rhythm. As long as he’s a good partner to you and treats you well and is loving and considerate in the things he does (I don’t mean big stuff like gifts) then it’s fine.

If you feel like you need a lot of verbal affirmation I think it’s best to think about why that is. Some is normal but not massive expression of “wow” all the time. My DH is always telling me he loves me but it’s not constant compliments but then I don’t pay him constant compliments either,

Things can’t stay new forever. This sounds quite natural to me. Sounds like you like compliments though, so tell him!

thanks. he’s definitely very loving and caring and hasn’t got a nasty bone in his body. I’ve definitely told him it helps me, and he will try his best, which tells me he must care - but then he will stop and I think - if he wanted to, he would (like he used to!)
sorry if I’m not making sense.

It's the new phase of a relationship and to expect it to continue indefinitely is a very immature attitude to relationships

Have to agree with this somewhat, There is a good chance you could push him away if he is feeling under pressure to compliment you all the time then you getting upset when he 'forgets'. it sounds like you have mentioned this to him on more than one occasion.

Its pretty standard to be all lovey dovey in a new relationship but it naturally does fade, it doesn't mean the love and feeling are not there just you are naturally more comfortable

What are his actions like? Is he reliable? What is he like when you don't agree with him?

he’s reliable yes, he’s never cancelled plans on me before. he is very understanding when I don’t agree with him, but if he gets very upset or frustrated he can sometimes go inward and go quiet and doesn’t communicate in the best way

You sound like hard work, why would you want compliments you've reminded someone to give you?!

some people's love language is praise and compliments so if you're not feeling loved it could be that otherwise if you are just wondering if this is normal as your question is then yes the passion and fascination settle down.

Read up on love language, it will help you in the long term.
I tend to show my love by caring for DH, he will still complement me ( 30 yrs together) when I get dressed up, he will also complain if I haven’t made an effort so it’s a double edged sword. However I would be very suspicious if he constantly told me he loved me . He shows his love in many , many small ways that cumulatively show the depth of his feelings for me.
He, however, does like to be told I still love him every now and again.
You just learn over the years just what makes each other tick.
Don’t over think it. You are still at a stage that if they don’t want to be there then it’s easy to leave.

Why do you care what's 'normal'? You need a partner that meets your needs, not one who ticks the 'normal' checklist. Unless your ultimate goal is to be 'normal'?

If he's not offering you what you need, it doesn't matter how normal he is. A good relationship is one where everyone feels content and their needs are met.

This. There’s no ‘normal’, it’s whatever works for you. Some of the things that people regard as normal in relationships on Mn make my hair stand on end, and presumably what works for me in my marriage (close opposite-sex friendships, for one thing) wouldn’t work for everyone.

Yes it's always like this. The first flush of romance is short and intense then you settle down into a hopefully more meaningful relationship.

I think you need to step back and stop pressuring him to gush over you all the time.

It's called settling in to being comfortable. You should have taken on all the assurances from the past, and should be feeling comfortable that you are with someone who thinks you are amazing. But he shouldn't have to repeat it daily forever more, it's clear not his 'love language' or whatever.

But yes, most relationships settle down into a place of security, where you know and trust how other feels about you. Most couples don't spend the rest of their lives gushing over each other daily about how wonderful they are.

My DH is not big on compliments but if I’m driving any distance he will fill my car with fuel and check the tyre pressure. He is also driving two hours to collect me from the airport because I’m landing on the day of the rail strike ( from a holiday with a friend for which he’s had to take annual leave to cover the childcare). So personally I’d consider his behaviour more than how many compliments you get ( and how you’re meeting his needs because this is not a one way street)

I think you need to step back and stop pressuring him to gush over you all the time

If OP wants someone who gushes over her all the time, she needs to find that person, rather than to try to change what she wants to meet what one individual can offer.

Nobody needs to 'step back' from what they want in a relationship. Many people need to 'step back' from the relationship they're in, because it's not satisfying them.

I'm twice your age and am also in my first real, proper, serious relationship!

We've been together a similar amount of time. In the early days, we were both very gushy. I hadn't really noticed it had died down but, of course, it has.

I'd find it a bit hard if he was still 'wow'ed by me daily - I'm good, but not that good! But he spent all weekend working in my garden last weekend. That says more about how he feels about me than any spoken words.

Yes, this is normal. Doesn't mean it's right for you. There are people out there who will happily gush over you for all eternity.
Go find it if you want it.

This is totally 'normal'. It would get annoying if he constantly complimented you all the time, and it would lose its importance and become habitual.

I agree with this.

That's how you would feel about it. Not everybody is the same as you. Some relationships are full of compliments with meaning after years. Some people are happy with that.

'Normal' isn't a thing unless your goal is to be 'standard', 'average', 'just like everyone else', and if your partner isn't making you happy, OP, there's no need to stay, even if he is 'normal'.

I'm 43 and have had 5 long term relationships (2 years or more) including my current one. This one is the only one where there has been a significant amount of compliments and other verbal affection after the first year or so. So it can continue, but that is perhaps quite rare.

I now realise that this kind of verbal affirmation is something that is important to me. I give it and like to get it back. It makes me feel warm, loved, happy and secure. I used to see my desire for this sort of thing as a sign of weakness and neediness. Now I know it's just the way I am. My partner loves getting compliments and expressions of love from me himself - and he is not someone I would see as in any way weak or needy - far from it.

The love languages idea is a good one - we all show our love, and like to have love shown to us, in different ways. There isn't a right or wrong to it - it's just about finding someone you tesselate with. I wish I had realised this sooner!

OP, I would usually advise you to tell him how you feel - but it sounds like you already have, and that he tried with the compliments etc but it's just not him.

Your choices are either to decide it's something you can live without because the positives of this guy outweigh this one incompatibility. (After all, no one person is likely to be ABSOLUTELY perfect for another). Or, decide you need this, and he can't give it, so you need to move on....

Good luck either way! XXX

I personally think being positive, supportive and loving in a relationship is really important, and this includes your partner saying things along these lines on a regular basis.

Of course things mature and settle down after the first flush of a new relationship, however, that doesn't mean that you have to settle for someone that doesn't compliment you or say you're amazing.

I say this as someone who is in a long marriage where I can't remember the last time my husband said something positive to me. It's now soul destroying and has sucked the joy out of so many things