Tired of initiating intimacy- what should I do?

[lking679]

DH and I have been together 10 years and married for 6. Every now and again we have an issue that it’s a longish time since having sex and in general he isn’t very touchy/feely I.e no spooning, handholding cuddling in bed and I’m lonely.
It happened a couple of times before we got married and we discussed it and agreed not to have a sexless marriage that we would communicate and work on it.
But it’s happened again and again in our marriage. I notice it, don’t want to ask/initiate as it feels like pity or begging and I feel unwanted (I think I have initiated last two times) and I start getting angry and withdrawn.
We went to relate last time and I found them pretty useless we had already discussed everything they mentioned and the session didn’t help much at all.
He is great in every other way, attractive, kind, helps me out and is a good father. But at nighttime he will be on his phone in bed playing virtual snooker or something and I am lying alone on the other side. Last few nights I have said “put your f*cking phone away.” And he will….. then just go to sleep.

I can’t keep having this issue?! I can’t keep feeling lonely in my marriage. I can only see us separating although not in near future as I am pregnant with DD3 who is arriving in Autumn.
House is big enough for us to have separate bedrooms and I was thinking of joining some social clubs to start being more independent and moving on without actually practically separating until baby was born and a bit older (not sure how we will afford it).

Seriously where do I go from here? Talking hasn’t helped, counselling hasn’t helped and we’re here again? What is the point in scheduling intimacy when the act of doing so doesn’t make me feel any less lonely or loved?
fed up.

If I were you, and you know it’s over, I’d split now before baby arrives. Get yourself settled and ready.
Believe me, the resentment will get worse when baby arrives.

I can split in the relationship and move to separate rooms/live more independently but I am not doing the birth and newborn bit on my own with two other DD’s under 5. We live down South and all my family live up North so I’d have no help at all and that’s not what I signed up for.
BTW both in our late 30’s.

What does he say when you ask him for the reasons he doesn’t initiate?

I don't really understand why it's ok for him to initiate things (and expected) but it's not ok for you to initiate things because that's begging and feels like pity? Maybe he gets tired of always being the one who has to initiate? That sounds like a very bizarre and unequal dynamic to me. If you want something why wouldn't you initiate it? Then you get very annoyed and are really horrid when he doesn't initiate even though you haven't bothered yourself! It's not a competition over who initiates more that you have to win you know.

If he's playing virtual snooker then say, will you switch that off in 5 so we can have a cuddle please? You say you've agreed to communicate but you don't seem to be communicating with him, just expecting him to be psychic and when he's not swearing and snapping at him. No wonder he's not keen.

Have you ever been the one to initiate things all the time? It’s draining. You feel totally unwanted, unloved and like you’re a chore. I have initiated the last two times with one of those he definitely seemed to be going through the motions.
I am fine for it to be 50/50 but to be with someone who never gives you a second glance unless you ask? Surely that’s unreasonable. And btw the relate lady agreed with that point you can’t have one person initiating all the time.

I think he says he doesn’t realise he can initiate and thinks I’m not in the mood, and also doesn’t want intimacy as much as I do. But I don’t think once every two weeks or once a month is not unreasonable at normal times I.e kids are sleeping, no-ones Ill, not post partum etc.

Well you aren't wanting sex "that" frequently and you get no other physical intimacy.

That's really difficult.

Perhaps move out of the bedroom and forge your own life and see even if he even notices? It's gone on so long I wonder if he's telling himself it's not an issue?

He is getting his emotional and sexual needs met so the issue is that he doesn't care he isn't meeting yours.

He does seem to care when I mention it, doesn’t want me to be upset then makes an effort but to me that just falls in to me initiating again because I’ve got to get upset for him to notice it’s an issue.

It feels like my options are to accept a basically sexless marriage which we had agreed not to fall into and certainly late 30’s seems too young to find myself in this position… or to see out the next year and then get on with separating.

Weve been talking about selling up and moving up north now our jobs are mostly working from home, wonder if we do that (maybe sell and rent up there) so I can at least have the support of my family and if/when we break up I won’t be on my own.

sounds like you have been pregnant a fair amount of those last few years. does he have a weird thing going on where he doesn't want to 'damage the baby' or just doesn't like pregnant bodies that way? Some men don't but he may not want to hurt your feelings.

Have you tried scheduling sex? A lot of couples do this when kids are young and being knackered means less spontaneous sex.

Otherwise, if you feel you've tried to resolve the issue and it hasn't worked, yes if it's important to you (it would be for me too) then tell him and lead more separate lives. But if the whole point of splitting is to get more sex, then you're going to want to date too. So separate rooms in the same house is going to be problematic there. You didn't mention that, which makes me think it's more about the hurt from the lack of intimacy rather than the frequency of sex that's driving this. He isn't showing you love how you want to be showed love.

I’ve been pregnant the last 5 years on and off but we’ve been together 10 and it happened before we had children. To be honest the last time, which was a year ago and we had counselling, I would have walked if it wasn’t for the kids. I’d arranged a ‘date night’ in our loft conversion of a film and a cuddle and he stayed downstairs working and didn’t come up. His excuse was he didn’t realise what was going on and that he was knee deep in a work issue and totally lost track. This is even when I said ‘I’m going upstairs now are you coming up soon?’ He nodded and then just didn’t. I was just sat up there alone getting more and more upset. To say I was crushed was an understatement.

After that we had a fine 7 months and decided to go for kid #3 and 20 weeks in bam haven’t had sex and he’s more interested in phone games than me.

It’s not a pregnancy thing it can and has been fine when pregnant although notice I am more emotional about it all when pregnant. It was an issue from about year 3 and maybe happened 2-3 times a year where I’d find myself the instigator and otherwise being ignored. We’ve only scheduled it when trying for a baby and I find it really forced.

Practically I don’t think anyone is going to date a breastfeeding mother of 3 and happy not to date whilst we are living together. I imagine my personal life might get back on track when I go back to work and stop breastfeeding about 1 year post partum. What’s frustrating is basically will be looking for a similar guy but who wants to have a sex life 🙈.

Of course it's frustrating, but he knows the issue and isn't working towards fixing it. If you would have left before, if not for the kids, you need to leave now. The kids will be around for a while. Do you really want to waste all those years feeling like this? This, after all, is the feeling he offers you.

Don't minimise your distress.