İs this a red flag?

[Redflagorno]

Met someone a couple of weeks ago in real life who I was attracted to. Bit of a shock, as I hardly get out being a single mum, and I haven't been attracted to anyone for ages.
I have a bad history of being abused and controlled by exes, although not for very long, as I would somehow escape, but I would fall quickly into the relationship at the beginning and so it would be painful and hard getting out.
Needless to say I'm on edge and nervous about this new one.
We met up once after texting a lot and nothing major happened but we had quite a nice day and evening out.
A couple of times later in the evening he got his phone out to contact a couple of friends who he thought it might be fun for us to meet up with later on. The effort of contacting the main friend was clearly a lot as the friend was getting drunker as the day went on and then it didn't amount to meeting up. When they couldn't get a response from the friend after telling the friend where we were, they got a bit absorbed in the phone, checking for a reply.
I tried to keep the conversation going and brought up a few topics but it was hard to get them to hear me. I thought maybe they had had enough of me and I went to check the trains home. I mentioned there was a train soon but that I'd have to run for it, but I'd rather not run. They said they didn't want me running off either.
So I agreed to get the train after and we went to find some quick food.
They seemed more relaxed and attentive after that and I assumed it was because they were relieved that I would be going soon. But then they text me as soon as I left to say text when home, and been texting since.
Was I just overthinking the bit where they were non conversational or were they using the phone as an escape? I'm not used to this as I'm not a dater.
Be gentle with me, I'm feeling so delicate sharing this.

I'm put off just reading, on a first date, it's manners to just put your phone away for a few hours and concentrate on getting to know your date! not constantly trying to text a drunken friend. This is him at his best. He's probably just a bit immature and socially unaware rather than being rude on purpose, but he could turn out to be too much hard work.

He's ill mannered and immature and his mates don't sound all that either.

Raise your standards.

This was the first date - the very best this person can ever behave.

Do you want to be with someone who behaves like this for the rest of your life - but worse?

If not, bin them off.

It's not about 'red flags', it's about what do you want?

So a man you known for 2 weeks is arranging another meet up with friends at the same time as being on a date with you.

not exactly a red flag - annoying if he was doing it a lot - would I want to be someone who was busy texting on his phone - no I wouldn’t. After a drink or 3 I’d have said along the lines of ..your popular tonight - then I’d have got the train and never bothered with them again

I would message and tell him that you felt he was distracted and therefore not interested. See what he says, he might have just been nervous.

Hmm bad manners to me arranging a night out with the lads whilst on a date. If you're playing second fiddle for a man's attention on a first date when he should be on his best behaviour then its not going to get better.

At best he is immature and unempathetic and at worst- He's already managing down your expectations. Already saying 'this is where you stand. Start running to get up my list of people I value'. Sod that.

That aside. Have you done work on learning how-to spot abuse and abusive sorts? For example, you mention getting attached too fast, this may be a result of them 'love bombing' you.

As previous posters have said, people behave at their best during a first date. So it doesn't look good.

I wouldn't go as far as saying it's a red flag, but it's something that would be rather annoying if he can't even focus on you during a date. I have a lot of friends who do this, where they'll be super attached to their phones when you're trying to have a conversation with them. Luckily, I'm not in a relationship with any of them though.

You've clearly been burnt in the past and you have your doubts about this guy, so I'd say get out while you can. Especially if you're someone who falls hard. It'll only hurt.

It doesn’t sound great for a first date tbh

Massive no from me. I've never been on a first date when someone got their phone out. And I've had about 30 dates or so in the past few years. Incredibly rude. No thank you.

İ mean we had been together about 7 hours already at this point, so it could have been that he was feeling tired and then he put his phone away and didn't get back texting the rest of the night, after it was established we weren't going to go and meet them. İt was just that moment it all felt a bit weird. I didn't mind the idea of us meeting up with his friends (a girl and a guy couple), because it would have been a nice way to mix up a long day and see other sides of one another and I love meeting new people (especially after lockdown). But it was more the way he wasn't able to communicate in that half hour or so that he was texting, like he needed a breather from the intensity. I'm not sure though. He also was also trying to give me a good night out, so he could have also been feeling the pressure to get his friends to meet us.
I think he was quite nervous. I felt it when we met up. He said sorry when he accidentally brushed my hand with his.
I just more didn't know if it was a controlling thing.

I disagree that the first date is the best a person can ever behave. They are often anxious or nervous and there is an awkwardness often to meeting a stranger and communication isn't always smooth and flowing. And people can have really stressful, distressing or complicated things happen in their day or being on their mind, even when out on a date.

First dates are certainly far from the best I can behave. To me they are just meeting a stranger to see if we want to start to get to know each other. They are not an ultimate test of best behaviour.

I'm not dismissing any of the comments though or opinions. Just trying to work it all through.

Seven hours is an excessively long first date unless there was some magnetic chemistry and time flew and you couldn't pull yourselves away...

I would have some definite concerns/niggles about his manners, but given the entire senario, I think I would be willing to go on one more date and see how it goes. I would not tolerate any more of him being absorbed by his phone, however.

@Midlifemusings well we had already met in real life the week before at a night out and ended up being there together the whole night dancing and talking, so we already had spent a good amount of time together. The time on this second day really flew and after talking constantly all week we had planned to have a spontaneous day out with good sunshine and do a few different things. But yeah as it was a lon day, I thought that's why he might have been tired and needed to escape into his phone but wasn't sure if that was weird, as I didn't have the urge to do that myself.

İ think I've done quite a bit of work on red flags. Although there's always more work to be done.
I've been single a few years now with exes always popping up into my inbox. Whenever they do I am very detached from them and talk a little bit and try to observe their conversation patterns with me and remember them for the future, to know what to look for. Maybe not the safest way of doing it, but I seems to have helped a lot in really getting to know who I attract and how I react to them and it's helped keep me single. I definitely don't find as many men as attractive as I used to, so I'm hoping that's a sign that my subconscious is weeding out the baddies.

Not great manners, its true.

I wonder if he felt embarrassed that he had floated the idea of meeting his friends but they didn't make the effort to come in the end so was texting to try and pull it off and not look like billy no mates?

@Beingadiv that's also a good possibility I hadn't thought of. İ remember thinking he was putting way too much effort into trying to give them directions and such as to where we were and I already knew they were a lost cause at that point.

I think people are being harsh with 'meeting the lads'. It sounds like he was keen for his friends to meet you and vice versa, which is far from a red flag. Pretty normal to check your phone after you've texted someone to join you. Not really seeing the issue here. You'd already spent hours together at this stage...it's not as if he was on his phone within 10 minutes of meeting up.

Yeah I’m with you on this. It was a 7 hrs long date and he spent half an hour trying to arrange a meet up with you and his friends. I don’t see anything wrong with it especially since you’ve already had a first date.