Is this the same as DARVO?

[needadviceplease1]

I've NC for this. Sorry it's long and I'm sorry if I've misunderstood DARVO - happy to be told this is not it, if that's the case.

I have come across the acronym DARVO on here and I understand it relates to behaviour in abusive situations. I will preface this by saying that do not feel that I am in an abusive relationship with my partner. But - I have noticed something that he does often when I say his behaviour has somehow upset me. I'm not talking abusive behaviour necessarily, here is an example from today.

Today is my day off work (I work 4 days) and partner has been off work sick since beginning of the week (back end of viral infection that we have all had - he isn't necessarily still sick with it, though, as he was well enough to go to the gym last night, whereas when I had it I couldn't move from bed).

Anyway. I've been struggling with my sleep and I also suffer with anxiety and low mood which can be made a lot worse by poor sleep. Last night my partner said why don't you sleep in tomorrow as it's your day off, and I'll look after DD (1 year old). He also suggested I take a tablet I've been prescribed by doctors to help me sleep, which I can't take on a work morning as it leaves me badly groggy and I struggle to pull myself round. I thanked him as I felt a lie in and a good sleep was just what I needed. I took my tablet and went to bed.

This morning I woke 9am (very late for me, I rarely sleep past 7.30 even when not at work). I was groggy but managed to pull myself round. I went downstairs, living room door was closed. I went in, the room was in almost darkness, curtains closed, and DD was toddling around in her babygrow unsupervised. DP was lying on sofa (hadn't moved when I walked in), I called out his name and he jerked his head suddenly towards me (the sofa is positioned near the door so I couldn't see from where I stood if he was awake or asleep until he moved his head, but the way he seemed to startle awake would suggest he had been asleep). I asked him how long DD had been awake toddling around, he replied "not long, about 5 minutes". I thought that was odd to be honest as she usually wakes 7-8am at latest on mornings that we don't wake her earlier for nursery. I said how do you know that if you were asleep? He said "I wasn't asleep, I was lying here watching her". I didn't believe him for two reasons: a) he startled awake when I walked in, and b) if he was awake watching her he wouldn't normally be lying down with the curtains closed, he'd have the TV on and be sitting up etc, as he normally does.

I made DD breakfast and us both coffees but I was mulling it over and getting more and more upset about the fact that DD had been unsupervised for some unknown period of time whilst he was supposed to be watching her, and he had specifically told me to take my sleeping tablet and have a lie in. If I'd known she'd end up unsupervised I'd have got up with her myself and not taken my tablet last night. But also I was upset because he lied to me. He knew full well he was asleep when I walked in and I honestly didn't think he had a clue how long she'd been toddling around by herself.

I also didn't think his estimate of 5 mins was accurate because at 10am DD began to get grumpy: rubbing her eyes and just generally grouchy which are her classic nap time is due signs. Her morning naps are like clockwork - always around 2-2.5 hours after waking. So I just knew there was no way she had only been awake for an hour - it was at least 2, if not longer.

So I said to him: "I've been thinking about it and honestly, I'm really upset about this morning. Firstly the fact that she was unsupervised when I could have got up with her myself if I hadn't taken my tablet like you told me to; and secondly I know you were asleep but you're trying to tell me you were awake. Why not just tell me the truth? It's not the worst thing in the world if you fell asleep, so why lie about it?".

He stuck to his guns: "I wasn't asleep, I had one eye on her".

I said "I honestly don't believe you did and I also don't think she was only awake for an hour, as she's ready for her nap now. I don't think you know for sure when she woke."

He replied "well neither do you! You don't know for sure when she woke either?! But if you want to be angry with me about it then fine". I just said of course I don't know either, I was upstairs asleep as you told me to be. You were the one supposed to be watching her. So that isn't relevant.

Sorry this is so long but I just want to know (as I've seen this pattern with him before with him when I've said something he has done or said has upset me): Is he doing DARVO here?? The initial denial where I felt gaslighted into believing he was awake when I knew he wasn't, and he then attacked me (verbally) with the fact that I didn't know either (the way he said this was shitty and accusing).

I'm happy to be told this isn't the same thing. Just been really stressed thinking about it most of the day. Thank you for any thoughts.

I think you've all been ill, you're all tired and it's probably best to try to put this morning behind you. Maybe he was fast asleep,aube he was dozing or had just nodded off. Obviously, if it keeps happening it's worth revisiting but at the moment, I'm not sure going over it is going to help.

Thanks. I take your point and I will try to put it behind me. Just that it's the same pattern with him every time he's done something that's upset me and I've raised it. I always raise it calmly but I get the deny followed by attack every time. Like:

"No I didn't do that, it was nothing like you're saying" followed by "well you do x and y, too - so you're just as bad".

That's his typical response to me raising anything I'm upset about. This morning is the tip of an iceberg of typical patterns of behaviour with him, that's why I posted. As a one off, I accept it would seem petty and not worth thinking about. IYSWIM.

It’s not definite that he’s lying. I know I’ve got up with my babies some mornings and feel really tired so literally just flopped on the sofa doing nothing while watching them play for a while. You can be awake enough to watch a pottering toddler without being perky enough to watch tv.

@Bigthicksliceoftoast

I know him really, really well. I know his body language and typical behaviours. The way he jerked his head and looked startled when I called his name was a huge giveaway. Also, me opening the door would have prompted him to look up at me from the sofa if he'd been awake. That's what's making me sure I'm right about him being asleep.

And tbh, if he fell asleep then so be it, it's easy to do like you say. It upsets me though, as I'd rather have got up with DD myself and left him to sleep in. But he insisted this morning was on him and I could lie in. I wish I hadn't listened. And, it's the lying. Just admit it and say yeah must have dozed off there, but no harm done... etc. why lie?!

I'm clearly wrong. It's OK. Thank you anyway.

I don't think it's necessarily that you're wrong, it's just impossible to know. I expect you're both entrenched in your position and neither wants to back down. In this particular instance, I see no way for this to resolve well if you continue to push it. Sometimes I think you just need to make a mental note of your doubts and move on

You can’t be sure he was asleep so you can’t actually accuse him of lying.

It does come across like you’d already decided he was asleep and were just trying to catch him out.

However, I understand how the dynamic feels as I’ve thought the same about my DP. I don’t really find it abusive - I recognise that’s his insecurities playing out. As I dont live with him or have children with him, it’s easier for me to manage.

does it matter if it’s DARVO? If you recognise and are not happy with the behaviour- deal with it

It does come across like you’d already decided he was asleep and were just trying to catch him out.

What? I came downstairs, opened the door to the living room and walked in. At that point I had no expectations or thoughts about it at all. It was only after seeing the room in relative darkness and then DD running around I thought hmm somethings not right. So I called his name and he startled awake.

How was I trying to catch him out? That's bizarre.

And yes, to me, it matters. As it helps me to make sense of it. That's why I posted.

Like I said this is the way he responds to most things^^ I've raised that have upset me for whatever reason, from minor to bigger things (like pushing my sexual boundaries for example). Like I say, I don't necessarily think any of it is abusive. I was clear about that in my OP. But I wondered if that's the tactic he is using when ever I dare to say "you've upset me" about anything.

@needadviceplease1 does it matter really what it’s called? You’re not happy with his response pattern. You’re not happy when he pushes your sexual boundaries (and that’s a biggie). You don’t entirely trust him looking after dd. Are you happy in this relationship?