How did you know, when did you go and what were your first steps?

[Paddington999]

Just that really; how did you know that your relationship needed to end and how long did you take to actually leave? What were the first practical steps that you took?

I feel ground down and like things might never improve in my relationship. I have felt like this before, then things have improved for a while so I have stayed, but then things go downhill and each time I become more and more bogged down with it all. The practicalities of leaving are very very difficult, but not impossible. I am slightly on the turn, at the moment I feel like it is inevitable that it will happen one day so why am I not just doing it now? But leaving and breaking up my family is so final (there would be NO going back).

I am not really looking for advice on what I should do, so please don't think I am rude if I don't answer questions etc. I just want to hear from other people in my position / who have been here in the past.

I have felt like this before, then things have improved for a while so I have stayed, but then things go downhill and each time I become more and more bogged down with it all

I think that recognising it's a pattern sort of ruins the good times, even when they come. That 'just waiting for it to go wrong' thing is horrible. Or 'remembering what he was like when it went wrong'. Everything gets tainted.

I moved myself and our 1yo ds in to live with ex. Ex then wouldn't take any part in his care, refused to protest ds from his older dds, etc

He expected me to give up my career, but wouldn't allow me to make his home ours. He became very controlling, He expected to choose our food, decide when and where I went out, who I could invite into the house etc.It became very unhealthy.
I found a new job 75 miles away when ds was 2 and we left when ds was 2y2m.I had found a grotty rented 1 bed flat and a childminder.
Initially I said we would go back every weekend, but that faded out. After 12 months, ds & I left the flat and I bought a house. A few weeks later I ended the relationship completely.
It made no difference in practical terms, but ex tried to starve me back by refusing to pay his share of childminder. It was tough for a few months, I was paying full time childminder, mortgage, endowment, all normal expenses. Eventually he gave in when I threatened him with cms (he's a high earner)
At 3, ds didn't notice that his df wasn't around much.

Don't worry about breaking up the family. Your child needs a happy relaxed mum most of all.

For years I had a gut feeling like you and it got worse and worse. One day he just overstepped the mark. Brought the kids into our issue and it upset them, along with being out of control physically. Once that line was crossed I couldn't go back. It felt like a release, like permission to leave. But you don't have to wait for that. It's such a massive step isn't it? I've not left yet but have planted the seed and will lay it down straight this weekend. 2 young kids and I'll be pretty broke but will be worth it. Kids and I will be better off in the long run. Some days I feel stronger than others. You deserve happiness.

It took me years, probably about 4. He was awful to me and the children. I had completely checked out of the relationship for about 6 months, I wasn't even bothered or upset when he shouted and screamed at me like I had previously, I just didn't care enough. I left when he cheated on me and I didn't even care, I was waiting for an excuse. Life is great without him.

@MWNA

We are too dependent and intertwined with childcare responsibilities and finances

Everything can change. You can do it separately. You are choosing not to, ruining your lives, and giving your children an appalling example of adult relationships, which they will replicate into their adult years. I was a child in a household like yours, and would have had a much happier life, emotionally, had my parents bitten the bullet and separated.

@MWNA
I just wanted to say that I read your post before it was taken down and I hope you're okay x