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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Freedom programme

10 replies

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 16/06/2022 12:00

Hi, anyone done the freedom project that would be do kind as to share what it was like etc. Particularly anyone that knew they needed to leave an abusive relationship but really struggled to do so. Did it help? Did you leave?? I've convinced myself it theres no point in bothering, that I'm stuck here so may as well just accept it. My councillor said this is common in abusive relationships so just looking for some reassurance before taking the plunge

[Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

OP posts:

IodineQueen · 16/06/2022 12:45

Is this the freedom programme? If so I’m pretty sure you have to be out of the relationship before doing it. I’ve done it twice, it was really helpful for me.

Original poster

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 16/06/2022 14:02

Oh yes, sorry got the name wrong.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 16/06/2022 14:04

Can I ask what kinds of things it involved??

OP posts:

northerncrumpet · 16/06/2022 14:16

I have done it online (just because there wasn't an in-person option near where I live) and I found it really helped.

It helped me to accept that yes, he really is an abuser, and no it's not me that has imagined it or misunderstood him, and nor can I help him get "better". Seeing his behaviour described in so many of the different sections has helped me stop thinking about why he behaves like he does, and instead concentrate on getting away from him.

There are still some days when I remember the good bits and miss what I thought we had and wonder if it could be different if I gave him one last chance, but then I read back through the worksheets, and the Lundy Bancroft "why does he do that" book, in particular the section where it explains how to know if he is really changing...and I can see that he isn't, and that he's coming up with all the usual excuses. And this helps me to shore up my resolve to stay away from him.

If you're not sure about signing up to attend the programme - maybe you're not quite ready to leave just yet - maybe do the online version and see if that helps you see more clearly?

All the very best x

Pinkbonbon · 16/06/2022 14:28

My feeling is that you would be better to get out first. A wound cannot heal with the knife still in it.

Know its a bit of a chicken or egg situation of course. But until you go and probably until you've been away from him for a good while, you will always second guess the decision.

Theres no magic potion that will give you the strength or assuriuty to leave. You just have to rip the plaster off.

You know he is abusive and his council has backed that up and you're still really looking for more reasons not to believe it (subconiously). The freedom programme won't change that.

Speak with women's aid andnstart making concrete plans to leave. Even if you just take one little step at a time. Start taking the steps.

Do the freedom programme ones you are out and in a safe space to freely absorb its message. Because right now...at best it's message won't be able to properly hit home and at worst...it's just more procrastination.

Wheeloffortune21 · 16/06/2022 14:29

and your councilor (not his council)

me4real · 16/06/2022 16:55

Freedom is fab. You can do it before you leave the relationship (it'd make sense as the information will help you see through the guy and leave) but of course you'd have to make sure you were safe, so it's best to make sure that the bloke doesn't know you're doing it.

The online course might be better for that, as long as you can make sure he'd not spot it by monitoring your online usage.

me4real · 16/06/2022 16:57

You know he is abusive and his council has backed that up and you're still really looking for more reasons not to believe it (subconiously). The freedom programme won't change that.

Freedom would reinforce a woman's realization of what's going on, who has already been told this be someone or has their suspicions.

PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 16/06/2022 17:09

You know he is abusive and his council has backed that up and you're still really looking for more reasons not to believe it (subconiously). The freedom programme won't change that.

It may well change that, it's one of the main reasons women do the course, to confirm if it was abuse and to understand/recognise the other abuse that they may have missed while it was happening.

Original poster

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 26/06/2022 21:20

I do know it, but then I start second guessing myself and thinking he must isnt that bad and maybe I'm just making it up or imagining it is worse than it is and that that isnt fair on him. So I find myself finding excuses for him and bigging up anything he does good and then telling myself that it is proof he isnt as bad as I thjbk and that I should probably just put up with it as others have it worse. It is just one excuse after another and I dont know how to get out of it.

OP posts:

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