Feeling lost and need some advice

[Mummyofabeautifulgirlie]

My god I am lost people 😔

I’m a mum of one 5 month old DD and currently very unhappy with DH.

To begin, myself and DH have been together for 15 years. DH has always flirted with his SIL and I am pretty certain there has been something happen in the past but it’s one of the scenarios where you can’t prove anything happened.

I have never approved of their “close relationship” as their flirting has always made me feel uncomfortable and I feel makes me look stupid in others eyes. But despite airing my feelings I have been told I’m just jealous, I’m seeing something that isn’t there and I’m too possessive which really hurt. I’m not some sort of bunny boiler and harmless flirting doesn’t bother me, but 1. Me and the SIL have never gotten along, this being a factor and I always think like she feels like she’s really got one up on me, if you get my drift, and 2. Its not like she’s ever going to go away lol she’s always going to be there and it’s always going to be in my face!

Anyway, this flirting business has now ramped up a few notches and my husband is saying “she’s in love with me” “she wants to sleep with me” “she’s always giving me the eye when she’s round” “she’d rather be with me than my brother” “she’d rather her DS be mine”
WTAF?
He’ll then proviso this with “Oh she’s a complete sl*g for acting like that” As if that means he’s not interested and that’s going to make me feel better by him saying that??

Also let me just say that if I was the one flirting, or saying anything like this would make him hit the roof. So the feelings made worse by how much of a hypocrite he is.

On top of that I have found out they also speak to one another about their relationships and arguments etc. He always has to be the hero and her shoulder to cry on, telling her she shouldn’t be treated the way she is when, you guessed it, he says and does the same, if not worse to me!

He has always been jealous of his brother, as without sounding horrible, he is the older, better looking brother (I have never said anything to him about his looks to make him feel insecure but he has said he doesn’t think he is a good looking guy and he does have a complex about his appearance)

He tells me he loves me and I do think he does but I think we are now at a point in our relationship where I am realising perhaps his and my versions of love and our relationship expectations are very different.

Years ago before we had children his parents would just ignore it and tell me I’m overthinking things, now even his mum came to me saying he’s being very weird and even spoke to her about how much SIL “cares about him” which she thought was bordering on a bit obsessive.

I am lost what to think or do. I have tried to explain how it makes me feel and I just get shot down in flames every time, basically what I can gather is that his enjoyment of her attention is more important than my feelings.

When he says SIL is in love with him and would rather be with him, either he’s fantasising about it and made it up because that’s how HE feels, or it’s actually been said and I don’t honestly know which is worse?!?!

I was going to push forward and dig around to see if anything has happened between them to help that make up my mind about this relationship, or should I not bother and just call it quits?
I come from a broken family and desperately want to keep things going for my daughter, he comes from parents that stuck together no matter what and very much frown upon parents splitting no matter the circumstances so it’s very difficult.

I’m sorry for the long post but I need some unbiased advice 💔

Just walk away. He’d deny anything you found anyway.
Thank god you’re married so you have some protection.
Do you have joint savings ?
Do you have your own bank account ? If not, get one. And make sure wages and child benefit is paid into it.
Do you own your home ?
Do you work ?

Note to add - I haven’t repeated anything he has said about SIL to anyone else as it would mean the end of his relationship with his brother

We don’t own our own home and I’m not financially dependant on him as I have my own business - thank god

I’d be able to afford everything on my own

So the whole family knows about it, except for the man she’s married to ?

Good, you’re not stuck with him then.

@KangarooKenny
We don’t own our own home and I’m not financially dependant on him as I have my own business - thank god

I’d be able to afford everything on my own

@KangarooKenny
No one knows what he has said about her wanting to be with him, he’s only said it to me and I’ve never told anyone.

He did say to his mum about how much SIL “cares” about him which she thought was weird and her response was “wtf you thinking about that for when you have a wife and child”

Urgh what a crazy maker. He's gaslit you for years and is now kicking things up a notch by telling you everything that's going on, that you have always suspected and he has always denied. Probably it's about getting one over on his handsome older brother but he daren't bring him in so you're the outlet instead. I'd not be putting up with this. Who cares what his family think. You're self sufficient with your business, why not build a happy independent life without having the joy drained out of you by a man who has his eyes elsewhere? It's a constructive decision, not unilaterally 'breaking' up a home.

Maybe write yourself a list of examples of where he has crossed the line (or she has) so you don't get convinced you're going mad.

Bear in mind you will never get any 'proof' of anything happening so don't wait around for this. You have seen and heard enough though to know that he is not loyal.

Leave him. A 'broken home' is better than a toxic one.

Doesn't sound good. Why the hell isn't he shutting this down?

And i'm sorry to say I know a couple who were originally brother and sister inlaws (their other halves were the siblings). They each had dc. They then had an affair and are now married. So the dc's who were originally cousins are now step siblings, and their original aunt/uncle now their step mum/dad. Its a real head fuck to be honest.

Hopefully that is not going to be the scenario for you, but I'd definitely be stepping in at this point and pointing these things out to his brother. you never know, he may well have noticed stuff anyway and thinking the same as you about not knowing what to do about it.

The reason you feel lost is because part of you is screaming at you to get away from this whole situation, and even you aren't listening. Your angriest, most hurting part, is being ignored by everybody, including you.

Start to listen to her. Isn't he angry? Isn't she bitter? Isn't she royally pissed off? Ask her what she wants, and give it to her. She's your soul. If you don't respect her wishes, nobody will, and you won't ever be content.

Too weird for me.

Sounds like you are not his everything and he either wants an affair with SIL or is having one. Either way walk away. You deserve to be treated much better than this.
Move on and start a new life for you and DD. Good luck xx

Leave him. There is no reason not to. He's being disrespectful, and regardless of whether there is something going on or not, he's clearly obsessed with his SIL and has no care for your feelings.

There is no point in speaking to him, he will gaslight you.

Too many people stay in toxic relationships for fear of being in a "broken" home. It's the wrong way to view things. Two happy homes are better than one unhappy home.

You have a daughter. What would you say to her if she was in this situation in the future? Would you want her to also stay in this relationship because mum and dad chose to when it happened to them? You know you wouldn't.

You've been with this man for 15 years so it's hard to break free from that but you'll be so much happier in the long run. No one deserves to be in a relationship with someone who makes them feel insecure, anxious, paranoid, unhappy etc etc. Teach your daughter that mum is strong and independent and won't settle for less.

Thank you, your answer has really just hit home xxx

Thank you everyone, just the perspective I really needed xxx