Irritated by MIL

[LongStoryShorty]

We moved closer to husband’s parents almost a year ago and I have to say his mother is really irritating me! And worst bit is husband doesn’t want me to vent about her. Now I am reducing the amount I see her, hoping I would get less irritated at her but even just a short car journey today and she’s driving me crazy again…

She keeps telling me I have too many things going on, yet does not try to help me with anything. Or is unable to help. If she comes here to look after the children I think it would have been quicker for me to just look after the baby and have older child play and get my things done rather than keep going to see what she needs. Make tea/ coffee, dinner, show this and that… she came here over the last weekend so we could get jobs done and DD1 asked if she would make ice cream to which she agreed to. Then I needed to get a recipe, write it down for her, set the machine up take everything out for her including the ingredients and then I popped in the shower for 10min with the baby in the high chair and the kitchen was a chaos with chocolate everywhere all over the cupboards and the ice cream completely messed up as she messed the ingredients up because she didn’t know what a tablespoon was and blending the chocolate chips. I didn’t get annoyed by any of this… but her comment in the car later: you really had too many things going on there, you should have done the ice cream later. Eeeeh what??? I had no plans to make any ice cream at any point in that day, it was supposed to be between her and my daughter but it ended up being a liability for me. I was supposed to get my things done but spent so much more time on something completely irrelevant and hours cleaning the kitchen because she came over. How is that helping? It’s that comment though how she keeps saying I have too much going on! And she was getting annoyed at my DD for asking to try the chocolate! I don’t like her snapping at her when they are supposed to be doing something fun. Why agree if she can’t do it…

today what also annoyed me was that she knows our baby is breastfed and refuses bottle, now weaning though. However I told her today we may not be able to go away for our weekend away because baby has diarrhoea and fever. Her reaction: well leave baby with us we’ll look after her!!! Errr how will you make sure she is hydrated when all she’s having is breast now? Why say such a stupid comment when we couldn’t even have them come with us so we could have left her with them while we are at the wedding but no now she’s ill I will leave her for the weekend with them! Makes perfect sense. I think about what I say and what others have said and I can’t stand her silly throwaway comments. She just says the first thought in her mind without giving it any thought whatsoever.

I HATE driving with her as she is just crazy! I need to wear ear plugs… she will tell me to just go and overtake a bike or tractor etc when I can’t see what’s behind the corner! She says it’s ok just go go go! She obviously doesn’t drive herself… just so hard to block her out. I tell her I need to concentrate and she keeps talking. Stuff like that happen every time we are in the car. I am now actually thinking of way I can just avoid having her in the car as again she’s just a liability! I am worried of having an accident while driving with her.

I know she means well but gosh is she frustrating me… she also has mental health problems including borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety.

I really can’t stand seeing her at the moment, I would like my children to have a relationship with both sides of the family and my family live in another country so we have no other family to help. Husband works away in another country and when he comes back I have generally been spending time with his mom and waiting to rant at him about the annoying things she has said or done or I am just exhausted and needing time alone and it makes him annoyed that I am on a bad mood whenever he comes back and he won’t listen to anything I have to say about her. His response is: well don’t see them then! Don’t ask them for help! Ok so let’s budget money for a cleaner, nanny etc so that I can get my things done. I do just feel I need to build my own support network rather than rely on them. I know they are free, but at least hired help you can tell them what to do and if they are no good you let them go.

You answered your question in your last sentence. Your MIL does sound annoying and unpleasant towards you, and so the only answer is to limit your time with her. Your child won't suffer if they don't have an ultra close relationship with them. There's no rule that says children have to spend lots of time with their GP.

Your husband is suggesting this, and I'd take him up on it. If he doesn't want you to complain about his DM then you won't be spending time with her.

If you rely on someone for help, you have to put up with their negative sides. It doesn't sound like she is much practical help in any case, so I don't think you'll notice the difference in help terms.

I don't think it sounds like she means to be annoying but I do find my own in laws and parents really grating too for similar reasons.

I wouldn't ask her to help unless it's a necessity. If you can afford a cleaner or childcare, then do it for your own sanity!

When your dd asked to make ice cream you should have said no.
When mil comments on your driving ask her not to and if she carries on stop the car and tell her she’s welcome to walk.

Your dh does not want to come home to his wife complaining about his dm. What do you expect him to do?
Either sort out your problems with mil or don’t see her as often.
Your mil is not a nanny or a cleaner. If you can’t manage without her help then you have to accept some annoying comments if that’s how she is.

Reduce contact with her. It’s the only way to keep yourself sane.
Personally I would not schedule a set time every week as that leads to expectations, but let her see the DC with DH when he is home, as often as he can stand , and then just schedule the odd visit yourself. Limit the amount of time in the car. Ask her to be quiet while you are concentrating on driving ( I have done that one!) politely, but firmly .
If you can afford some help , organise that too to take the pressure off.

The back seat driving alone would do it for me, it’s really dangerous. I would refuse to have her in the car if she couldn’t keep it shut.

Your DP has a point.

If you're using MIL to save money on childcare or other hired help on a frequent and ongoing basis, then you can't expect her to change her personality to accommodate you. You can, however, communicate better with her to manage and limit irritating situations.

MIL suggests making ice-cream with DD? Say not today DD, but let's do it next week when mummy is less busy and can help show Nana how to set the machine up.

MIL dishes out terrible driving advice? Tell her it's not safe to overtake, and ask her to stop distracting you when you're driving.

MIL suggests having poorly DC overnight when you're EBF and DC won't take a bottle? Just remind her this is the case.

I do think too much time with anyone can be suffocating, so if you're really struggling on your own can you review finances with DP to see whether you can stretch to get you some support?

She sounds a bit irritating but much as I hate to say this, I don't think you're helping.

If she's looking after the DC while you're at home is that because you're WFH? Can you go work in a coffee shop or something while she's there? I also think a lot of older women doing this sort of caring, if they know the mother (whether daughter or DIL) will get stressed out about how things are done, will rather ask 500 questions, just making problem worse (my mum was like this with my sister and SIL but not with me because I made it clear that I didn't want the questions and that if things were done differently to how I'd do them, that was fine). It does sound like she agrees to things because she doesn't want to disappoint anyone, but then gets herself in a pickle. So either go out when she's there OR say on arrival, "right, I am going to be working. If anyone needs anything, it has to be from Gran and if she can't help, you'll have to find something else to do." And stick to it.

The backseat driving is annoying but I'd snap personally "MIL, you don't drive so your input is not required".

Bitching to your Dh is not helpful. If you need to vent, call a friend. I have been known to take a walk to buy "milk" for the express purpose of calling a friend to vent....

Not sure why you aren't taking your husbands advice and limiting contact? Alsonot clear if you can afford to budget for paid help? I'd definitely be putting my foot down about car chat to the point of stopping the car and telling her you really need to concentrate every time she starts up and its safe to stop. I finf that non drivers often don't get it and need reminding. Sorry but I think you shot yourself in the foot with th3 icecream and why are you checking if she needs tea and so on? Dies she not know where the kitchen is? So YANBU but I tnink you could be handling it better.

Why is MIL looking after your child when your at home?

DD1 asked if she would make ice cream

Sorry, but I wouldn’t have a clue how to make ice cream-does your mother in law?! You should then have said-‘no, DD, that’s not happening today, we’ll do that another time’.

Otherwise, she clearly pisses you off so see her less. I don’t think I have ever driven my mother in law anywhere?! Where are you taking her? Don’t use her for childcare and take a step back.

As other pps have said, reduce the amount of contact you personally have with her.That’s the only way you will cling onto your sanity!

We see mil every couple of months and that’s enough for me!

You have to stop trying to facilitate things. If they want to make ice cream and MIL doesn't know how, the answer is, "Sorry DD, I can't do it with you and Granny doesn't know how so why don't you do something else this time." Or even, "If Granny can and knows how, go ahead but I'm working so off you go now" or whatever.

If baby is EBF but also weaning, it's not actually that weird that she may have forgotten for a moment that he can't get any liquid without you. I think you're being overly harsh there.

Limit contact with her as your DH has said.

If DD asks for something that MIL will not realistically be able to do when she is taking care of her then say "No, not today" to DD, Stick to it.

If MIL insists on giving out dangerous and stupid driving advice despite not being a driver herself then tell her to stop. If she won't stop then tell her to shut up or get out of the car.

You don’t like her so stop seeing her.
clean your house less
get your kids to help you
whatever, but stop seeing her.
you’ve said it’s no real help anyway and your MH will be better so you’ll be able to deal with other things better

what do you want your dh to do? He doesn’t want you to slag off someone he cares about whilst you refuse to do anything to change the relationship. I don’t see what other option he has

stop seeing her.

or keep seeing her and tell her you’ll ask for her opinion when you want it. Or no you can’t make ice cream. Or whatever

or keep seeing her and accept (if it’s the case) that the help you get outweighs how annoying she is

they’re your options

@LongStoryShorty
His response is: well don’t see them then! Don’t ask them for help!
A spot on response from him.
You sound ott and ungrateful.

Your response, Ok so let’s budget money for a cleaner, nanny etc so that I can get my things done. is absolutely ott and entitled. You're a mother and simply expected to maintain a home and look after the children as a sahp. It isn't rocket science.
How do you think that most parents manage this?
You really do need to get a grip.

If you don't want the small chat, then don't ask mil to help. Do it all alone and stop complaining about it. Otherwise, appreciate what you support you do have and make the most of it.

If you don't want them to do xyz then say so!

If you don't want her to offer to do more, then don't complain so!

How lucky you are, yet how little you appreciate this!

Are you a SAHP? She’s doing you a huge favour. Just say no to the ice cream like a normal person?!

Yes she sounds a bit irritating but your other half is right just stop seeing her and look after your own child.

I also get your DP not wanting to hear you vent about her, my DP wouldn’t have my mum down on his favourite people list, and did once have a bit of a whinge about her completely out of the blue, which I basically told him didn’t happen again, he doesn’t have to like her or spend any time with her, I won’t have him being rude about her.

@ChoiceMummy I am actually not a SAHM, I am working, doing 100% of the housework and childcare with a husband who works abroad. I spend the days with the kids and after they go to bed at 19.00 I clean and do my work until around midnight/ 1am.

But I wouldn’t have it any other way, this way we have the days to do lots of fun activities, help my older one with school work etc and build memories - which is what life is really for.

A lot of people asked why she was looking after the kids while I was at home. That weekend we were doing some heavy garden work and needed my hands free- which can be difficult with a little baby. I couldn’t take the children to hers because of her mental health issues I wouldn’t leave the baby unsupervised with her and anyways she is EBF. So when she comes over it’s basically to give me my hands free so that I can get more done. We could afford help, but we also have a million things we want to save money for so I have found a way to cover the cost of help through my business but It won’t be for a few months yet.

Yes I agree, I definitely need to see her less. The thing is quite often if she comes over to help for 1hr she actually already arrives in the morning, stays the night and then the following day as well. I did invite her to come along to the activities we were doing to get her out of the house as she has depression and can just lay in bed for days. But her being there I would obviously cook a nice dinner etc to make her feel welcome and it’s her little comments that drive me crazy like commenting how it’s not clean, but obviously I have taken a few hours off to sit there with her where as I would actually usually be doing the cleaning at that time. And once she goes to bed I start work.

She keeps commenting about how much I do, that it’s too much for me but it makes me happy. I know it’s her borderline personality disorder that causes her to just say whatever she thinks. I am always really polite to them and considerate with thinking of mother’s day and father’s presents for example for the kids to make and I probably read too much into little comments people make- whereas she is the opposite she will just say something and forget about it 5min later.

Anyways, I like her in small bits, I just need to be careful not to spend too much time with her as it really does ware me out.