Not sure whether to divorce

[Jangocbt]

So DH and I have been married 5 years. We have 1 DC who is nearly one.
DH is ok, but I have to do everything around the house because he has to travel an hour or so away for work most of the time.
He won't do anything unless asked, except occasionally the dishes. He's messy and I have to constantly clean up after him.
I don't feel listened to, because his mind is always elsewhere.
Just not sure what to do.
He tries to make me feel good and does make an effort. But resists doing stuff. It's like what I do isn't enough and he just wants to squeeze more and more out of me.
He's an ok dad, but spends a lot of time on his phone when watching our daughter. He also forgot to feed her breakfast and gave her milk instead once, but she didn't go unfed. It's like I have to spell everything out.
I'm stressed, have a lot on my plate and feel like his incompetence and general lack of taking initiative to do things just adds to my workload. I'm starting to see him as a liability.
I have to take the initiative to plan days out. He just can't be arsed. I ask for cuddles and kisses all the time, he very rarely initiates physical touch.
Intimacy is rare, but that's because we're both too tired most days. I just feel unappreciated, undervalued and worked to a rag.
Some impartial insight would be appreciated, as I don't have anyone else to talk to. Is this salvageable?

What to do

You feel unappreciated etc because you indeed are. What are you getting out of this relationship?.

What is the point of you and he being together at all?. This is who he is and he is not going to change. He regards all the housework as your job because you are female. He does not want to do tasks because he sees all this as beneath him. Look up strategic incompetence.

Do not stay with such a man either for the sake of your daughter .

The only way it is going to be salvageable is if he steps up and does stuff. Presumably he is perfectly capable at work so why isnt he at home

Do you think he will want to step up

Sorry but this TikTok song is correct

Your wife is your partner not you're mum

I can't seem to link it

I'm leaving my partner over similar, but he's also really verbally abusive and gaslights me to get his own way. He does virtually nothing in the house that I don't have to ask for. Also sits on his phone whilst with our 2 year old, has no idea what to dress her in, feed her. Asks constant questions every time he has to do something then shouts at me if I snap and say he needs to take on some of the mental load. Comes on days out but would never instigate anything. I just can't see a life like this, I'll have to do EVERYTHING for us to have a nice family life whilst he tags along having contributed nothing because he'd rather spend his time and head space on other things than his partner and his family. Think of the next 40 years. Do you want to spend that time chivvying and prodding and knowing his heart isn't really in any of it?

Been where u r and sorry but I don’t think it’ll work out. I was exhausted looking after my then 11 month old as well as the 35 y/o child whose needs seemed to exceed that of my baby!

Have the serious chat and explain what ur expectations/needs/wants are. Make it clear that the situ now is below anyones standards and that he has to change. Say ur thinking about divorce because of it, this may be the kick up the arse he badly needs but also be prepared to follow thru with initiating a divorce if no change. If the threat is hollow then Ul still be in this situation in another 5 yrs by which point ur child will have the impression that ur situ is ‘normal’ and might think it’s ok to act as dad does! Set the example for ur child that it’s not ok to be a walkover and that it’s perfectly acceptable to want to share the workload!

To me, this isn't a case of divorcing.

This is a case of him needing to know that he needs to do more to keep his relationship together long term.

Have you considered counselling? To have someone outside of the marriage point out how unequal the responsibilities are at the moment?

It sounds like you love each other. He's just become lazy. I think, if he's willing to change, then all is not lost.

Agreed. That age of child is a brutal time on even the strongest relationship. Get the kid in bed, have a proper, honest chat about how you both feel, and work out a plan to make things better. He may well be burnt out by his long work days, unconfident about being a father, or anything else. Going straight to the divorce is not the right move here I think, although the majority of posters will advise it to create a 20 page thread to follow

If you also work FT and then do everything around the house and with your DC on top of that then I agree with the general consensus that he is a lazy arse.

But if you are a SAHM and your DH earns a big wage then I don't think it unreasonable for you to do the housework and look after 1 child.

We don't have all the information here.

That's so true about the age of the child and the impact on couples.

Don't make any life changing decisions in the first 2 years of a child's life. Sleep deprivation, differing parenting styles, anxiety, job changes, lifestyle changes - all have a big impact on the relationship.

I've had 3 kids in the past 4 years and I can tell you, we've had lots of ups and downs.

But if, deep down, you love your partner. And neither has been unkind or abusive, then there's opportunity to improve a relationship.

If people divorce at the first hurdle, you won't make it. They say relationships take work for a reason. It's likely effective communication is an issue here - and that can be improved if both parties want it to

Going to be honest it sounds like me and my husband but the kisses and cuddle bit is the other way round.

I think a lot of it is age of the child, it's really hard. Our daughter is 2.5 and has just stopped napping all together and it's been so stressful for me as I now can't get anything done then, but my husband is obviously at work. He then does bedtime routine and then by time he's walked the dog etc, he doesn't have much time, even though he does have more than me.

I think you need to talk and spell it out. I know you shouldn't have to. But I think sometimes they don't realise how we're feeling because we just get on with things.

As much as it's all far too much sometimes, I do remind myself that it would be even harder without him and this age issue is only temporary.

Thanks so much for your messages everyone.
I spoke to my DH yesterday. Honestly he had no idea how I was feeling 🤦🏾‍♀️😮
He was very apologetic and felt sad that I had been feeling this way. He said he will be making more of an effort and we sat and made a rota for chores and who's responsible for them.
Thanks again, I feel a lot better x

Good luck, I really hope it all works out for all three of you
🌺

Good luck to you both. Hopefully you can work things out. He has to ditch his phone and be more present.

Glad to hear it. Talking almost always helps things initially. The posters encouraging you to divorce straight away without talking to him should be ashamed of themselves.

Do a monthly meeting and update with him so you both stay on track otherwise it might all start sliding away again.

That is such a good idea, thank you!

Thank you ☺️ x

I totally agree. It's for work but I've told him he needs to set boundaries and he agrees as well. Hopefully it's followed up with action too!

If you don’t know categorically that you are done, then stay and work on the marriage. But both of you have to work on it together IF it’s important to both of you. He needs to know you are not his Mother or a replacement Mother.

Definitely make sure he sticks to his word. It is great that he seems to have listened and wanted to have a rota to make things easier.
My dh knows exactly how I feel and has for a while. He hasn’t stepped up. Or he hadn’t until the threat of divorce has appeared. Now he is suddenly doing more, but tbh it might be too late as we have a cycle of him doing more, and within a few weeks it goes back to what it was before.

@VJasper86 I'm sorry to hear that. Nothing changed over here. I put out the idea of a trial separation and he threw a strop and stormed off downstairs crying.
Its not the first time I've bought up that I'm unhappy so not sure why it's such a shock. Just confirms that I might be married to a man child. I was hoping for a different reaction. Guess the joke is on me.

@Jangocbt i feel the same. We have planned a talk at the end of the month and I have prepared a lot about how I feel (although that will mainly be reiterating what I've already said) along with research for couples counselling and what options I think we have.
I said that I wanted him to come with how he feels, any issues he has, how he thinks we can legitimately get past them.
Useless giving a solution that is impossible.
I'm fed up with always being the driving force in making change so I've made it clear he has to make an effort and he has a month so plenty of time.
My issue now is that I am getting sucked into the fact that he is being helpful, even though there is precedent that this doesn't last.
I need to be strong and remember what has come before.
I think if you are unhappy and want to attempt a trial separation then he needs to accept it or come to the table with an alternative. If he doesn't then surely that just reinforces his contempt of the relationship.

@VJasper86 it's good that you are both going to talk about it. It's a great way to bring everything up. Counselling is a good shout because he seems like he wants to change, but maybe gets stuck in his old ways?
After your conversation, if things go well, maybe try reconnecting when the kids are in bed (if you have children).
If your partner makes the effort then slips into his old ways it's likely out of habit. He probably does care about you but actions often speak louder than words. I understand totally how exhausting it is carrying the majority of the mental and physical load around the house.
We had a chat after his little tantrum lol. He asked me to tell him everything that was bothering him and he reacted well.
Let's see what happens. If you ever want to chat, PM me. All the best 💕😊

@Jangocbt thats great that you have talked and he has responded positively.
I think my dh has a slight need to make a change, but it's almost more that he is plastering over the slcracks and hoping I will just forget and move on.
I will see what happens when we talk next week.