What to say to dd

[BiscoffSundae]

How do you talk to a child about why their father doesn’t see them without them blaming or thinking it’s you, my daughter doesn’t see her father at all, she is 5 and never mentions him (I have spoken briefly about him but she never brings him up or asks me questions)

so today came as quite a shock when she came out of school and said she made a Father’s Day card, I spoke with school before hand about making a card and they said it would just be a generic card but she probably over heard the other kids making theirs to their dad, school did it as “do a card to someone special” type thing but surprisingly my daughter wanted to do it to her father, is this unusual? I mostly hear kids with absent dads doing it to mum/grandad etc I’m not bothered that she didn’t just wondered if this was typical or maybe just to fit in? The card was blank so she didn’t actually do it to him but now she has come home she is asking to make another card for Father’s Day (she never asked with Mother’s Day) She asked how she would give it to him and I said I don’t know, and she said “well you don’t want him to see me” that’s not the case at all, he is the one that has stopped contact. How should I handle this, I’ve never stopped him at all so I don’t know why she is saying that and I don’t know how to handle it because I can’t say well he doesn’t want to see you (of course I would’t say that) but at the same time I’m not happy to be blamed, any advice?

Just to add as well she’s come out of school and seems quite down and not her usual self

As you said she has seen and heard other kids and now it's left her feeling confused and now at 5 curious to know who he is and ask about him.

At this age as you said don't mention him choosing to be absent in a blaming way. But approach it in another way. How about explaining to her about different types of families. So she doesnt feel its just her.
Explain some families have 1 mummy and 1 daddy. Some have Mummy only Or daddy only. Some have grandma and Grandpa etc etc etc. So she knows that it's normal to have many types of family units. Not just Mum & Dad.
If she persist with sending the card - do you know his addreas or familiea address. I personally would send it at her request.
When she ia older (you can gauge when) explain to her further that some Mums / Dads etc are not together for many reasons etc. You get my drift. But for now at 5 try to explain different family units all normal and all ok.

I wouldn't accept the blame for him not seeing your DD, but if she says it again, I would say that you don't have a problem with him seeing her, and you don't know why he doesn't. Does she have an uncle or grandfather she is close to?

Thank you both, there is my dad but she is not close to him and hasn’t seen him since she was 2 due to distance (he is disabled so can’t easily travel) she does speak to him on the phone and he sends her presents and cards for her birthday/xmas but she doesn’t remember him and I sometimes think she thinks my dad is her dad, she gets mixed up and I have to correct her, I was considering sending the Father’s Day card to my dad if she is so insistent that she wants to send it, I’m not comfortable sending it to her father, it just took me by surprise as she’s never seemed bother by her father not being around and never mentions him

It sounds like another child has said that your daughter doesn't have a daddy so shouldn't make a card. This is about the age where kids stay noticing differences.

I’m not sure if they would know that? As I don’t pick up my daughter at the same time as the other kids she’s picked up at 3 (due to my older daughter) usual pick up is 3.20 so the kids in her class never see me at pick up, she’s collected by teacher and brought out to the gate.

maybe you should gently let the school know the impact it’s had. It’s useful to hear the impact that these activities have on children. They might reconsider the activity in future.

Hi OP I’m a lone parent and my DS is now a young teen, I had to go through this and it’s tough to strike the right balance of honesty and kindness.

I have always explained that being a parent is a big responsibility, and when I found out I was lucky enough to be having a baby I was excited and ready to be a mum but his dad decided he wasn’t ready. Being a parent is really great but if you aren’t really ready it can be tough, and sometimes people decide that it’s better not to be involved at all if they are not able to a good job of it. I also say that I am easy to contact if his dad changes his mind and if DS is happy to see him, but in the meantime I am always here for him and love him very much.

When he was younger DS was understanding of this reply, although I admit as he is getting older he is saying he wouldn’t want to see his dad now anyway as he never bothered with DS.

I would just try to put it in the simplest terms possible.
That he lives far away in another place. Maybe one day she will see him but you’re not sure. That you’re sorry that she doesn’t get to see him but that you cant change that he lives elsewhere

So sorry OP. Don’t take what she said too seriously, at this age they say all sorts, but make it clear to her that this isn’t the case and that mummy has never said she can’t see her dad. It’s a hard one, the issues are too adult for her to understand sensitively.
I was your DD. Grew up in a female world with my mum and gran, no male role model in my life until I was 26 and grown up, when I chose a father figure for myself 🤣 I did ok, and she will too.

My son was a similar age when he started asking questions like "Do I have a daddy?" and "Where is my daddy?"

It's hard. And the guilt you feel and the sadness you feel for them is tough.

It's normal once they go to school and they start to notice.

I did pretty much what another poster said about describing different types of families to just completely normalise it. What else is there? As he became older, I also said that, if he ever wanted to get in touch, I would know how to do it. He's 23 now and has never shown any interest in actually meeting his father.

I would second speaking to the school. If they have a pastoral team, there's a lot they can do to support children (and parents if necessary) through this.

Well this has been incredibly difficult we went shopping for a card after school as she insisted, when we got there she decided she wanted to MAKE a card instead... so get supplies from the shop, come home and she is laughing and smiling making her card, she looked so happy, she asked the other kids to help her, they didn’t want to but I had to tell them not to upset her, she then makes a card and then writes I love you in it 😪 at that point I was holding back tears, had to blame it on my hay fever, she then tells me to make a card so I’m sat there making a Father’s Day card for an absent man honestly that was extremely difficult she asked me what his favourite colour was so she could make the card in that colour, I had to make one and she asked me to draw his favourite things on there, I couldn’t think of anything!! I asked my other kids and my son said well he likes lying on the sofa asleep 😑 that’s all he ever did when he actually did see them. actually feeling heart broken, she said “are we actually going to give it to him though?” What am I suppose to say to that?! I said we can post it and get some stamps, she wasn’t happy about that and said we have stamps at home (she bought those children’s colourful stamp things) just feel so sad

also I said to her we could make our own pictures tomorrow as we have so much stuff left over and she said “NO!” My boys just both looked at me like what schools should really think about these days a bit more as it’s really affected her she’s been so off with me today

This.
I grew up without a father and school 'activities' could be very cruel and insensitive at times.

It's so shocking that some men are so fucking useless. You are trying to cope with your daughter's pain, and of course she is too, and he's asleep on some bloody sofa completely oblivious to it. There should be a special sort of punishment for men like this. And I know there are a few women who are like this too and they deserve punishment too.

"Lets post it to him, shall we?"...

That's all you had to say, Op. Age appropriate distractions and acknowledgement for her that it sucks not seeing her Dad and that she must miss him/having one around, and that's ok to feel that way.

She's 5.

It angers me that so many bloody deadbeat fathers, unworthy of the title, abandon their own children to this heartbreak, and leave the poor mothers to pick up the pieces and the blame.
I wouldn’t shield them or tell lies, frankly. I’d say daddy broke his marriage vows and walked out. And that he doesn’t love mummy any more and won’t be coming back, if that is the case.
Otherwise, the poor child will be endlessly hoping for daddy to turn up one day, and fantasising about how great it will be to see him again.
My own DDs lost their dad when they were babies, as he died of a brain haemorrhage. But at least they knew he didn’t choose to abandon them, and they used to make him birthday cards and blow him kisses up to heaven.