New Relationship - Self Harm/OCD/Allergy?

[Lomita277]

I'm looking for some advice from someone who might have experienced something similar. Firstly, I have to admit that I had posted on Mumsent months ago regarding my online dating experience with this guy (he was the fourth in my new OLD adventure). Problem was he didn't have any transportation and he expected me to come up to him all the time. The relationship was very one sided at the start with him having the upper hand and everyone on MN said to get rid of him. But, I had a strong attraction to him and intellectually I find him really interesting and I enjoy being with him. Also to note, he is from a slightly different culture to ours (Slavic). Fast forward now 8 months and we see each other regularly at least twice a week. He makes an effort to come to meet me from where he lives 40 minutes away. I know I'm getting very close to him, and we have shared information about ourselves on both sides despite his reluctance to go into detail about his life. He has moved here to work with a group of colleagues from his country but he is a quiet person and does not have much of a support structure beyond me and a few people at work.

When we started dating, I saw that he had some small scabs and scars on his upper arm. I put it down to dry skin or a touch of eczema. But now, in the last three months, I have noticed that he has scratched himself very persistently and very hard in different spots on his arms until they have bled and scabbed over. It has been particularly bad in the last two months. I caught him doing it one night when we were watching a movie and I asked him about it. He said he thought it was allergies and that he had gone to the doctor at home and they had given him some cream but they couldn't explain what it was or what caused it.

I feel that he does experience some degree of anxiety (sure I do as well, and many people do) and I feel that possibly this is a behaviour relating more to his mental state than a physical allergy.

My question is, should I try and discuss this with him? This week he had a deep scab on his hand where clearly he had really dug into his skin and it must have caused a lot of pain. I am afraid that he will get an infection or that this will get worse. But still, we are only dating less than a year, so would it be too much to try and have a discussion about this?

There are no rules. The fact that you're asking here suggests that you're not 100% comfortable in your communication with him.

This is the sort of thing that's very nuanced. Nobody's going to say 'Yes, it's ok to discuss rashes after 4 months and self harm after 7 months' Why do you think that we will know better than you about the dynamics and nuances of your relationship? Why do you not feel comfortable to just give the conversation a go, and let him shut you down if he doesn't want to talk?

Hi Watchkeys - this is the first long period that I've dated someone. I was 22 years being married (totally codependent) and ex had an affair and got out within 3 months. So, I suppose I'm still feeling my way around relationships and still a bit needy of validation and help in deciding if I'm wrong or right. Your feeling that I should trust my own instincts is right! Thank you 😊

You're 8 months in and you feel he is keeping secrets about his life. That's a bigger issue.

If he is reluctant to go into detail about his life to someone he is in a relationship with then id suspect its because there's something he doesn't want you knowing. Eg: criminal record or married with kids back home in his original country.

Maybe he is so anxious because he is living a double life. And that presents itself as skin picking.

Deciding if you're wrong or right suggests that you think there is a wrong or right. But aside from laws, we are all free to do whatever we want to.

So the 'wrong or right' is something you decide for yourself. You make the rules in your own life. You do what feels right to you. Your emotional responses are the rules. If something feels right to you, it's right for you.

That's why seeking external validation isn't good: nobody knows your rules like you do. Nobody knows why your boundaries are set where they are, nobody knows what your preferences are. Only you. You are 100% responsible for taking care of your own feelings, and making sure you are with people/doing things that keep your feelings good.

It's a big responsibility, and very liberating. Talk to him if you feel it's right. Allow him the responsibilitity to decide whether to talk to you, according to whether it feels right to him.

You will become your own person. Anxiety will die down. You won't be treated badly in any further ongoing relationships.

I don't believe that he is living a double life, but he is just very protective of giving out lots of information (I think it is related to his upbringing in his own country) where it could be dangerous to share personal information with the wrong people.

At any rate, I agree totally with Watchkeys that I need to trust myself and my instincts more. Your advice makes me feel much better and confident about managing the situation.

Just be very careful of making excuses for 'off' behaviour. We've all been there.

Of course there can be cultural differences in interactions. But just be wary that that isn't an excuse for secretiveness or coldness or any behaviour that makes you feel left in the dark or unsure of where you stand with them.

Google Dermatillomania, it sounds like this is what he is suffering from.