What to do about DD?

[RaisingH]

DD is 18yrs old this weekend, she's always been a good child, got 7 GCSEs and never given me any trouble at all, a real.pleasure to raise and we've always been close until now.
This past 12 months she's changed, has dropped out of college, quit 3 jobs one after the other, has attitude, is horrible to younger sibling with SEN, does nothing round the house and her room is a dump.
She doesn't have many friends and her best friend has made.new friends at her own college but they do keep in frequent touch.
The worst thing is she goes out and doesn't keep in contact, today she went out at 1pm to an appointment in the local town and I've not heard from her since. I've rang, text and whatsapped but no response at all, all I want to know is she is safe but she won't even let me know that. *Edit she arrived home as I'm typing, said she has been riding round on buses all day but then came home in a taxi!
If I speak to her she'll get in a mood and tell me she's depressed and doesn't see any point to life - loves to go out partying and to music festivals though.
I've told her to contact the GP if she's feeling depressed but she hasn't, Ive offered to do it for her but she said no.
I don't know what to do anymore I feel so angry with her that I don't even want to put any effort into celebrating her birthday this weekend. I've spent a lot of money on a night at a spa for next week for us and I dont want to go now.
I pay her phone bill, lend her money, put a roof over her head and feed her and she's just so awful and moody to me and I don't know how to handle it.

She’s spiralling and it’s understandable you are concerned.
She needs some really tough boundaries set in place.

You need to tell her:
She needs a job
Must contribute financially to the household
You will no longer pay her bills
You will no longer accept her attitude

No threats etc. Just talk to her as an adult and say this is what’s happening. From tomorrow, it changes. Tomorrow morning cancel her phone and anything else you pay for.

At 18, if she is out for the day. Yes, it would be nice if she text but I don’t think there is a real need for her to contact you. So don’t badger her if she is out, she is an adult.

Plan to celebrate her birthday this weekend as you would. Enjoy yourself, feel proud that you’ve been able to give her this weekend. I’m sure she will get birthday money to keep her going until she lands herself a job.

You have to tell yourself, you are no longer responsible for the direction of her life. But you do control how yours is affected. Make the change OP

I would wait til after her birthday - they are only 18 once and I certainly wouldn’t do a spa day, they want to be with their friends not hanging round mum.

Give her cash. Buy a cake.

After have a discussions about money and work. Say you’ll support her for the next month and she’s needs to be working and contributing, after that cut off all the extras.

You must stick to it though.

Just because she goes out parting and goes to festivals does not rule out depression.

A lot of people who are depressed are high functioning. People who have jobs, show up everyday with a smile on their face - and still have depression.

Sounds like she needs some empathy and a good talk. Being 18 is an awful age. You’re an adult, but still feel very much like a kid. Old enough to drive, drink, vote, but still have little to no life experience. Social pressures. The influence of social media. Expectations. It really is awful. I wouldn’t accept all the money in the world to go back to being 18.

When I was 17, I was severely depressed. Deep down I know I needed the help of the GP. My mum did too. Though I didn’t want her or me to contact them.

I understand you being concerned for her whereabouts when she’s not at home. But to see it from her perspective, she might see you as the “annoying nagging mum, always wanting to know where I am. I’m practically an adult now”.

There needs to be a middle ground with boundaries. But I’d first try and understand the mental health issue. Sit her down for a chat. Explain you’re not angry with her, just concerned and you want the best for her.

It’s really sad to hear you don’t want to celebrate a big milestone birthday with her. I hope that changes and you both enjoy the spa. It may be a good opportunity for some bonding and mutual understanding.

I have a lovely Dd, she is 25 now. However when she was 17/18 she was a nightmare.

This age is very difficult for teenagers. There’s scientific evidence that they have a brain growth spurt, then neural pruning. The logical, sensible part of the brain can lag behind.

Although I didn’t like a lot of her behaviour, I zeroed in on what I was most worried about. Like you, it was her safety.

They have the desire to do all the grown up things, without the experience sometimes to be aware of danger.

The three things that worried me the most were drinking, drugs and males (sexual pressure/attack even).

First I had a chat with her about learning how to drink and staying safe, ditto drugs (obvs told her not to) and boys.

Then I told her that if she ever found herself in a situation where she didn’t feel safe, I would come and get her (or send a taxi). There would be no questions or recriminations at that time. Then the next day we could chat and find out where it went wrong, and how she could stop it next time.

in all she called me out twice. Both times I was glad she did.

This may not be your solution. It worked for me.

If she agrees,to spa
That is your chance
To let her talk to you
And you to listen

Read "how to talk so teens will listen " etc

How to Talk so Teens will Listen & Listen so Teens will Talk amzn.eu/d/7sXDZEw

Agree that any step must be an action, not a threat of something. Good luck.

I went through a period like this, similar age. I was under an influence of a toxic friend, who dragged me down.

its so difficult, my mum was quite passive and I finally got out of her influence when she fucked me over big time, and I’ve realised who she is. It took me nearly 3 years though.

I wish someone told me not to waste my time with her and that I’m so much better than that. Not sure that I’d listen but it’s always worth a shot.

Try to ensure her you’re there for her OP and that she’s great the way she is, no need to impress anyone.

Love your response sleepymum50. I can really understand why you don’t feel like celebrating DD’s birthday; she is treating you in a disrespectful, unloving way and it feels horrible when you really care about and for her.

My daughter was just like this from 14 to 18 and we really despaired of her, mainly about where she was at night as she was so bad at texting. We were sick with worry about drugs, drink and boys. After a massive showdown we sat down together DH, DD and deranged moi. She basically negotiated with us and we agreed to trust her in return for her always giving us location if she stayed out late. Once she went to uni she suddenly turned into the loveliest DD and was happy because she felt free of school/rules/being treated like teen. Phew what a relief. She has said sorry for what she put us through!!! So advice is to stick it out, really listen to her and how she wants her life to be to feel OK, make boundaries for your own sanity,keep loving even though it’s painful and enjoy your lovely spa time. Talk at a later time so she doesn’t have memories of her eighteenth being a row/getting nagged. Really hope she comes through this time soon. Good luck!