Husband ignores my health issues

[Nostrilla]

DH seems to have an inbuilt filter to sift out and ignore any health concerns that I may have.
I recently had a diagnosis of an atypical mole, was placed on cancer pathway and fast-tracked to dermatology. DH was away with work at time of my hospital appointment but when we spoke the night before and I mentioned I had appointment next day, it was like I'd never spoken, absolutely no comment from him whatsoever. One month later, he still hasn't asked how it went. Mole was fine, benign, so no big deal, and I havent bothered to mention it since, but is it not odd that he seems to have forgotten?
Thinking back, whenever I have mentioned I have a headache, period pain, back pain, etc it is literally like I haven't spoken, or he'll immediately state his latest complaint instead without acknowledging mine.
I might add that it is rare that I complain of health issues, but his lack of interest is just something I have started to notice. I'm not needing sympathy from him, just a little interest in my health would be welcome. He has several mild health issues and I am frequently running him around for appointments, listening to his woes, etc
Any ideas on how to deal with this?

Stop listening to him, and stop taking him to his appointments. It seems to work for him, so give it a go yourself.

Not everybody is interested in other people's ailments, so he sounds perfectly normal to me.
But maybe also ask him to stop talking about his own ailments, because it makes him very boring!

He clearly doesn’t understand , so you are going to have to tell him you expect him to make some effort in enquiring about a possible health issue.

You can wish he would naturally do it, as a way to express that he cares; however, some people don’t express care in this way.

He may believe that not drawing attention to your issue, is away to distract you or at the very least not adding additional stress. But if this doesn’t work for you, then you need to communicate that. You can also explain that when someone does have a health issue, that support from another is important. You can then give the example of you running him to appointments.

Don’t sit passively and expect him to be this person you know he is not. Explain to him what he needs to do and what you need

Have you told him it bothers you?

I would certainly be interested if my partner was fast tracked onto a cancer pathway. All my previous partners have been concerned when I experienced the same, even the ones who were a bit shit in other ways.

I can't imagine telling someone who is supposed to love me that I might have cancer and them being 'meh'.

Wow, imagine having to explain to your partner that it bothers you he doesn't give a fuck that you might have cancer and have to go through tests and biopsies without a single word of support.

It's truly incredible what some people tolerate.

I had implantation bleeding with my first pregnancy, while I was away for work. I had no idea what it was, and I thought I was losing the baby. I called DH and left a message, then texted him. He never replied. I ended up getting all my emotional support that day and the next from my best friend, my mum, and my manager (!). Thankfully the baby and I were both ok.

When I got home and asked my DH how he could possibly have ignored and not cared about my messages, he admitted to me that he was terrified, had no idea what to say or do, spent a good portion of the evening crying and talking with HIS best friend… but just couldn’t face calling me.

He now understands how wrong he was to leave me hanging when I needed him. But this is all to say that maybe your DH isn’t indifferent to the possibility of you having cancer (I mean… it would seem improbable!) but is extremely clumsy / negligent / pig-headed in his way of processing his big emotions around your ill-health…?

That’s the generous interpretation.

Either way, I think you need to have a conversation about how his lack of response makes you feel!

my ex was the same way. Never showed any concern for my health at all- even when I had to go to the emergency room when I was having an asthma attack.

i think it’s just the way he was but it’s something that made feel like he didn’t care at all. He never changed.

Who's truly incredibly tolerating anything, here, @pixie5121 ? OP is making it clear she's not happy, I'm trying to get a broader view of the situation and his responses.

You seem incredulous, for no reason.

He might have had someone in his past that just bleated on about various ailments all the time. I have had this and honestly if people start talking about their ailments I usually switch off until they actually die, and then I do feel bad of course.

Fucking hell.
Your husband had no interest in investigation of your mole. What exactly is he for? Yet bleets on about his minor ailments and you run around after him taking him to appointments. This would be far too imbalanced for me. Either you show equal lack of interest in him or you leave. So next time he whinges on look him in the eye say "the mole was ok by the way" and walk out the room. Next time he wants a lift or company to an appointment "get yourself there like I took myself to my mole appointment"

Or carry on as you are and nothing will change.

There is no point in a partner that won't support you and does not have your back. That is a lonelier place than being alone.

I'm someone who tends to ignore DPs health issues, as he's always complaining about something. Any twinge or pain, he's making a doctors appointment which annoys me as they turn out to be nothing. I've had to traipse all over the county taking him for scans so no, I never ask how he is. If you however rarely complain, I think he's unreasonable.

I agree 100% with @frozendaisy, you need to give HIM the exact same 'interest' in HIS health concerns.

He will either say 'Sorry, I didn't realise what a selfish prick I was being' or be 'upset' because you're not listening to his concerns.

If he's sorry, you can build on that, but if he's simply 'upset' because HE'S not getting the attention he thinks he DESERVES from YOU, then you need to dump him asap, because a selfish entitled prick will never change !

So sorry you went through this...how awful.

Nah, I think my DH hasn't given it a second thought!

Agree 😞

Thanks @frozendaisy Needed to hear that