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Original poster

How to go about finding a new relationship when I can't have sex anymore

15 replies

stirling · 14/06/2022 22:08

Hi, I've had a series of failed relationships and two awful marriages behind me. I'm emotionally very sensitive (complex childhood trauma) and despite saying I'll never have another relationship again, I still pine for loving companionship.
The trouble is that I can't physically have sex anymore. I had a chronic medical condition related to my pelvis that would make sex impossible, but how do I make that clear from the outset if for example I meet someone online?
Put it on my profile? I'd be embarrassed. I'm sure there are men in similar positions, eg perhaps with ED, but how to find these men?
Any advice greatly appreciated!

OP posts:
Original poster
stirling · 14/06/2022 22:09

And more importantly, are there any particular sites that would cater for this sort of thing?

OP posts:
ZigZagZen · 14/06/2022 22:11

I bet there's more out there than you think. How would you feel about telling them on the first date? Maybe there's an asexual dating site?

Original poster
stirling · 14/06/2022 22:45

ZigZagZen thanks for replying. Maybe on the first date, sure..

OP posts:
LooseGoose22 · 14/06/2022 23:48

I think there are asexual dating sites.

I know youte not actually asexual, but just a thought.

MissyCooperismyShero · 15/06/2022 01:36

My friend in her late 60s does online dating, via the Telegraph I think, a paid for site anyway. She's had a few year long relationships. The chaps she picks are same age or maybe a bit older. Lots of them apparently don't want to have sex and this suits her fine. They go out for dinner, go on holiday are a plus one, but don't necessarily have sex, but still plenty of romance. I don't know why but it's just not a given that sex is on the cards. This may be more common than you think

Original poster
stirling · 15/06/2022 08:42

MissyCooperismyShero thanks that's really encouraging.

Loosegoose I never knew, will look into it

OP posts:
woodencoffetable · 15/06/2022 08:45

I think this has come at a great time. There is a whole asexual community now who are openly asexual. I met someone who was, she was lovely. There will 100% asexual meet ups and groups online. Just go there, you aren't asexual I suppose, you have sexual feelings, but you can't have sex so what's the material difference? You can be honest with your dates about how you came to asexuality.

Babdoc · 15/06/2022 08:52

OP, I’m not sure why you are writing off sex completely just because the vaginal version is impossible for you? Plenty of men would be happy with oral sex, and would return the favour for you with manual stimulation.
Obviously, if you have no desire for sex, then it doesn’t matter, but lots of alternative possibilities are still available to you.
I hope you find a partner who meets your needs - good luck.

JauntyJinty · 15/06/2022 08:54

My first thought was A-Sexual dating sites too, but it's left me wondering if it's just full sex, or any sex act? And would you miss other things if you were with someone who was totally A-sexual?

If you're happy to totally go without then A-sexual sites are the way forward, but if do want other stuff then I think it migth be more complicated. I think in that case all you can do is be honest from the off and hope for the best!

Moonface123 · 15/06/2022 08:56

I wouldn 't over worry, relationships come in all different shapes and sizes not all men are seeking sex, relationships naturally change as we grow older, if two people are compatable and want to make it work, they will.

Original poster
stirling · 16/06/2022 21:58

Thanks again for the replies which I have only just seen. I used to have a sky high sex drive but the recurring bladder infections has put me off for life. Don't even want to risk getting horny in bed and tempted. I'd like to be affectionate, but that's about it really...

OP posts:
Midlifemusings · 16/06/2022 22:04

If you don't want any sexual intimacy at all - you need to make that clear. If you still have a sex drive then how much physical intimacy will you want - as that can make you horny, especially if you love the person. It also sounds like you struggle with the emotional intimacy aspects given your trauma.

It doesn't sound like you are asexual at all.

I am not sure if you have created an unrealistic relationship in your head. THere is probably a small chance you could meet the right person for you and you for them but you might want to work with a relationship therapist to get this figured out.

WatieKatie · 16/06/2022 22:09

I’m early 40s and OLD. I’ve come across so many men who suffer with ED. They usually mention it on the second or third date, which is about right.

SquishyGloopyBum · 16/06/2022 22:18

My friend is on long term antibiotics for sex triggered bladder infections. Not what you asked and you may have tried it but just a thought?

Bednobsbroomsticks · 17/06/2022 08:02

WatieKatie · 16/06/2022 22:09

I’m early 40s and OLD. I’ve come across so many men who suffer with ED. They usually mention it on the second or third date, which is about right.

I didn't realise it was so common

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