DP job overtakes our lives

[Bombshell101]

They are a teacher and I totally get the pressures and deadlines and always requesting data.
DP isn't happy with job atm. Loves teaching the children but hates the management and pressures. There's no empathy for how hard they work. It's getting to them. Not sleeping, irritable to me and our family, long evenings constantly working so no time with me or the family.

I feel a bit helpless as I can't do anything but DP won't leave job for another one in teaching where it would be slightly easier. I'm getting a bit upset and fed up with the constant moodiness aimed at us all. I get the stress but we shouldn't be at the brunt of it all. Feel like we are drifting apart, I don't want to spend much time together as every sentence is negative about work, how they're life is harder than ours. Snaps at everything we do.

I don't know I'm just not happy tbh

The whole "can't live with it, won't change it" dynamic is hard to get past, IMO. Resentment will build, and that's a killer. They need to either stop complaining/being so negatively impacted, OR change something.

This is what I'm finding hard. I used to sit for ages listening to it all. Agreeing back how unfair it all is. I'd then put forward suggestions to help the situation but they literally will do nothing about it. Even small annoyances and standing up for themselves they will not do. I want to be sympathetic but I'm finding it hard to be when they literally will change nothing

Feeling emotionally alone tbh

Do you live with your girlfriend?

Yes we live together

Live apart and date. A relationship shouldn’t make you feel this way.

They’re not going to change their job so the stress will always be there - is this really the right person for you? Does the relationship make you happy?

I had a friend like this, luckily I didn’t have to live with her, and she was one of life’s moaners.
Eventually I realised that she didn’t want to solve her problems, she just wanted to complain.
All you can do is listen for 5 minutes and then say ok let’s talk about something else now. Initially your dp wont like it but they are going to have to learn to stop with the pity party.

I was certain it would be teaching before I opened the thread. It is all-encompassing and swallows up lives. Whether that is just the job or the type of person who goes into it, I don’t know (DH and I both teach).
However, that aside, this isn’t good. I was in your position between April and Christmas last year and it was the closest I’ve come to leaving in the 25 years we’ve been together. Eventually DH got a new (teaching) job and life is back in a even keel.
Has your partner accessed the well-being support available to teachers? (It says a great deal that we gave them.) I think they can be very helpful.

In the holidays all is fine as hardly any pressures and I get my DP back. But whilst she's at school she becomes unavailable again

It totally does. I work in a school environment too but not directly teaching so I get the pressures. However last year when she was in a different school she was no where near as engrossed or stressed as this.

She hasn't accessed anything. She has the view of not wanting to be a bother and asking about that shows weakness in her. Obviously I've assured her that it's not weak to reach out and say you're struggling.
Her Head isn't the most sympathetic either and just tells her that she managed to do it all. The main diff is though that the head has no children or family.

Your dp would moan about any job, what do you think heart surgeons, cancer specialists, funeral directors end of life carers etc etc all do when they get home? They don't whinge for hours and pity themselves. They have strategies in place to deal with the stresses and strains of the job. Run a bath, go for a run and although happy to share their day are not partial to dragging down the whole family with their pity party.

If your dp has mild anxiety or low level depression maybe she should seek some professional medical care? However that would not magically disappear in the school holidays, so it is unlikely to be that. If this is just her being a misery guts, I wouldn't stand for it. Give her 10 minutes to talk about her day, 10 minutes to talk about yours and then have a good evening together doing something else. If she can't manage it, then I would consider living elsewhere because she sounds like a draining, energy sucking vampire and is unlikely to change and most likely to get worse with age.

It is creating a miserable existence for you and that is unfair and very selfish of her.

You need to sit down and have a serious talk about it and discuss how it is impacting you. Try doing it when they're not stressed though, otherwise you will most likely make the situation worse. If they've got some time off soon, that would be a good time to do it.

Either way, something needs to change.

I've been there with my own job stress, where I've been in such an awful mood because of work so I can definitely relate. It's a tough headspace to get out of. I would visit loved ones and pretty much sit there in silence as I was so drained from work to engage in anything. I was totally disconnected. Sounds like your partner may be the same so a discussion needs to be had. A job move, a way to handle stress etc etc. Something needs to change.

This is why l left. Teaching consumes you whole with nothing left over. It’s a hateful job.