How to move past insecurities about the past

[incharlottesweb]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year, we began as fwb, we were good friends and were attracted to each other but I wasn’t looking for anything serious and he was happy to go along with it. After some time I got feelings for him but he was talking to another woman with the intention of starting a relationship with her, we’d still been having a sexual relationship when I found out but after a few weeks it fizzled out between them and we decided to have a go at trying a relationship together. I was obviously upset and angry he’d been taking a woman on dates while using me as a sex doll, but understood he had no commitment to me and we were just fwb. I since found out he’d spoke to other women too around the same time, and while he didn’t do anything wrong like cheating I’m hurt and I guess a bit jealous. I knew what I was getting into by being a fwb but knowing he respected these women and done things ‘properly’ still gets to me now. We have a great relationship and we’re very happy together, we left the past in the past (or so he thinks) and concentrate on building a future. The thing is I still sometimes think about what happened back then and compare myself to these women. I know he has no contact with them at all now and wouldn’t cheat or lie to me, but I know he kept some conversation screen shots on his phone, I presume as a memory. It worries me he regrets settling with me and wishes he could have been with one of those women instead. I think he misses the one he took on dates , he took me to the same restaurant although he doesn’t know I know. He assures me he loves me and doesn’t want anyone else but it’s made me quite insecure and I push him away because I’m scared of being hurt. I don’t want to be the woman he settled for because I was there for sex when he wanted it and the only woman available at the time. It’s happened to me twice before and I don’t want to go through that pain again. I know I’m probably being unreasonable but these thoughts come into my head occasionally. I’d like to be married and have a baby and although we have spoke about that being our future plan I worry it won’t happen because he’ll realise he doesn’t actually want to be with me. I’m aware I need to get some confidence in myself but right now I’d appreciate some advice how I can move past these feelings and see my relationship for the facts in front of me rather than the fears and insecurities in my head. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

I think it would help to tell him what you've written. Explain your apprehension about his respect for you. Tell him you'd appreciate going out on dates and take turns to suggest things to do. Build up your own memories, if you're sure he's the one for you try to move forward. Honesty is always the way to go with anxieties about feelings.

Thanks for replying we’ve done amazing things in the time since and I don’t doubt his feelings, it’s more about my insecurities about what happened to get us here and why did he pick me over her/them. I posted a while back and everyone said he done nothing wrong and it’s my own issue, so I know I need to find a way to deal with my negative feelings. He knows everything already but hasn’t got any idea how to make it better or help me feel more secure.

I was obviously upset and angry he’d been taking a woman on dates while using me as a sex doll

There's no 'obviously' about this, you were completely unreasonable. The whole point of FWB is that you're not in a committed relationship, and this was by your own choice. Did you expect him to remain chaste to you?

'using you as a sex doll' is a very insulting way to regard his behaviour. Have you told him that's how you see what he did? Why are you disrespecting yourself by staying with someone who you feel has treated you like that?

I think you'd feel more confident if you chose not to be in a relationship with someone who 'used you as a sex doll', wouldn't you?

Do some reading around retroactive jealousy. Try not to focus on the past, no good will come of it. You could have been seeing other guys and he would be wrong to question you about it now. You were both free agents. Sounds like he is doing the right things, you just need to believe him. Do you have any reason to believe he is lying to you or stringing you along, or is this just your mind working overtime?

It’s because we agreed if we were going to be fwb then if we had interest in dating or sleeping with others we’d be honest as I wasn’t comfortable being one of many. He wasn’t honest about the woman until later on so it did make me feel like a sex doll at the time because he was getting that from me while attempting an actual relationship with someone else. He knew I had feelings for him and while it was my own choice to continue it didn’t make me feel respected as a person.
mThank you I will have a read, no he hasn’t given me a reason to distrust him I know it’s all in my head that’s causing this. He’s been very patient and understanding, he blames himself and regrets not making us official instead of fwb but obviously that can’t be changed, I just want the past out of my head once and for all.

If he wasn't honest when you had an agreement you both would be, why are you saying he's given you no reason to distrust him?

He lied, and now you don't trust him. That's healthy boundaries, on your part, and not something to minimise or silence. It's your gut telling you 'You are not safe here; he lies' Why are you trying to ignore that?