Mother in law makes my life hell

[Bizbybee]

Hi, I need some advice I’m married with twin boys now coming 10 who where ivf conceived and a hard process to get. Mother in law has never made any attempt to interact or bond with them cutting a long story short she has point blank refused to keep them and has said basically to never ask over the years however she keeps my sister in laws and brother in laws kids. Not that we need the childcare but she keeps my nephew every Friday night for the last 11 years and she wouldn’t think of saying to my two kids come up and play for a while as they are of a similar age or lift them from school it’s been literally no involvement at all in their little lives and not attempt to know them. 10 months ago husband and I where upset as she kept two of my nephews whilst she told us for 10 years she couldn’t keep two kids at one time. She basically bullshit us with so many excuses as to why she is none existent in our kids lives to they point where our two boys have asked why she makes a difference. So a major fall out happened and she blames me for apparently everything and that my husband doesn’t have his own mind, or a mouth of his own when We tried to explain how we felt she hit me in front of my two kids and put us out of the house even pushing one of my boys out the door. Hubby has refused to go back up to see her and she hasn’t made contact with us. Therefore leading to all his siblings taking her side. We weren’t told that my sister in law was expecting another baby and that that baby has now been born. Brother in law is getting married tomorrow and we haven’t been asked. Now we never screamed shouted caused a scene we where just trying to say the kids are now 10 and you have never so much has took them to get an ice cream. Are we being the unreasonable ones. I feel like shit that my husband is missing his brothers wedding tomorrow. It’s a massive mess, and Mohamed normally wants the mountain to come to her but we refuse to go back this time. Without at least an apology from her first. She’s very stubborn so that won’t happen.

Why would you want your DC to have contact with someone who wasn’t interested ? I will never understand parents who try to force a relationship with grandparents who aren’t bothered .
My ex’s parents weren’t interested in our DC so I just shrugged and thought it was their loss .

And I would never have contact with anyone who hit me !

She hit you. Eventually she'll hit your kids. You are not missing out on a relationship with this frankly demented woman.

She hit you? That would be the end of the relationship there and then, why on earth would you or your DH want someone like that in your lives? I wouldn't ever want to speak with her again.

Regarding the matter around babysitting/looking after your children. Your expectations were wrong to assume she would want to look after your children. They are your children. It doesn't matter what she does with her other grandchildren.
Are the children she looks after her own daughters? I've always found a bigger bond between mums and daughters children rather than mum and daughter in law.

Twins are a lot more difficult to mind than one child. How old are your PIL?

I would distance my family from the whole sorry lot of them. They are not good people to have in your lives.

Initially YABU for being annoyed she doesn't mind your kids. Not every grandparent wants to take on the role. And minding twins is harder than taking one. It is frustrating to hear now she has taken 2 nephews together but isn't really your business why she took them.

However, the rest sounds like the family are being V unreasonable! Nothing ye can do about the wedding now as it is tomorrow and showing up unannounced will not be worth it but if its annoying you DH perhaps he should start trying to build bridges with some of his siblings.

Yep she opened the car door and slapped me. I didn't know she pushed my son out the door until later. I only ever kept going back for the sake of my husband as she's his only living parent his dads deceased. She narcissistic and doesn't even speak to her own siblings I've tried so hard over the years and even took her telling me I wasn't good enough to marry her son 15 odd years ago. But I can't continue to let the woman hurt my kids and husband.

I have no idea why you would want your children to be in contact with someone like that.

Move on, she brings nothing to your life except unhappiness. If his siblings follow her lead, then you're better off without them too.

Well his brothers and sisters could have invited him/shared the news etc - he shouldn’t have a relationship with his siblings via his mother -

He can contact them and wish them well/send a gift - it takes two to build a relationship/

It honestly wasn't about childcare I'm very independent when it comes to that and my mother has always been available should I need childcare. It's the little things mainly that Hurts never played with them just generally never bothered never changed a bum, fed a bottle just bonding like she has with other . And yes some of the other kids are her daughters and I get that bonds different. Husband feels the same as me but I can tell he's hurt brother in law has replaced my husband as grooms man for the favourite grandchild not that it's the poor child's fault but again I feel that's Mother in law playing games.

Get her on your dead to me list and fuck her off out of your mind. She doesn't seem to bring anything positive to your life.

Definitely doesn't I'm just soft, and she knows it lol

He did we sent cards and gifts to them all. One for the brother In law getting married and one to his sister when we heard she had the baby. Granted we sent them with Moonpig but least it was a gesture

the kids aren't bothered they don't see them. It's just me feeling bad wishing they had a better relationship

I just hate arguments and falling out but this time I think my own mental health needs her out of my life. Hubby is totally free to do whatever he feels and wishes he doesn't at moment want to see her but maybe he will fe l different in time

She is in my dead to me list, I am very fond of my brother in law and very sad we are missing his wedding he was only 16 when I met my husband so I always was fond of him

you can't force her to do anything. My husband's parents don't have anything to do with our now adult son, because he's autistic. We're not invited to family meals, and he's not included on outings with other grandchildren.
I addressed this with them when he was younger and was point blank told it was because of his autism.
So I'm polite when needed, but actually despise them and never put myself out for them anymore.

Omg your a good-in for even being polite and passing yourself. Think we have came to the conclusion their behaviour isn't going to change. Just a pitty for all involved

They sound like a really nasty bunch. Forget them entirely - cut them out of your life and make some new and decent friends who may take an interest in your children.

Toxic people like that don't belong anywhere near your children. Do right by your kids and make it clear to them that we do not keep in contact with bullies. If someone treats us nastily, it is not our job to kiss their ass, its our job to get as far away from them as possible.

No dilemma. You do not allow anyone who has assaulted you to be near you, or your kids ever. And the trash that facilitate her-also no need to inflict them on your lives. Your husband has cut them out, you should be happy instead of wanting the trash in your life.

Goddamn ,woman I'd have knocked her teeth out and then reported her to the police. His entire family sound like a circus freak show. Plan to dance on her grave in the future and put a bottle of champagne aside for then

Lol knowing my luck she will probably still haunt me from the grave.

Your sister in law didn't tell you she'd had a baby and your brother in law didn't tell he was getting married. So what's really going on here OP? You seem to be estranged from the whole family.

I don't know why my sister in law decided not to let us know she was having another baby as I have never had words with her but I'm sure she knows I was pissed that her mum makes a difference between her kids and ours. And that's fine I've been very good to my sister in law in the past so yes it hurts I helped her during her last two pregnancies so it definitely hurt to not be let know she was having another baby so soon after the birth of the last child she now has two little ones within this year. As for my brother in law we where very close to him and he actually sees our point however he didn't want us at the wedding if we weren't speaking to his mum and didn't send us an invite instead told my hubby/his brother that instead of him being groomsman he went with our Nephew ( my MIL fav child) so to be honest we weren't shocked. MIL knows exactly what she playing at to hurt us and how to control everyone. Her way or no way