High Maintenance Mum

[MenopausalMrs]

I am looking for advice on how to handle my Mum who is beginning to really do my head in…!

She is a fit and healthy 68 year old – my Dad passed away 4 years ago and she has been on her own since then. She has a very active social life and many friends and is always off doing things.

I am a single parent to 2 DC who I run around to their clubs etc after school, I work full time and I try to get time in for myself at the gym. She is retired and spends her day walking her dog or catching up with friends for lunch, going shopping etc.

Here are the things that stress me out:

1. She got a new dog in lockdown… it is not very well trained but cute enough... I am not a dog person and don't like them on my bed / sofas etc but when she brings it she lets it do that even if I ask not because it's her 'baby'... she frequently tells me that she only got the dog for my kids because I wouldn't get one for them.

2. She expects an immediate response to any text message / call from her. It's like she has lost all concept of time.... If I don’t like something she puts on Facebook she will ring me to ask why I haven’t commented!!

Yesterday I didn’t stop from 7:00am until 9:45pm – I saw a message come in from her at 1:30pm – just conversational, didn’t need a reply (I thought) but then a follow up message came in at 10:00pm when I had just got into bed saying “I know you are busy but you could at least reply to me”.

It stresses me out so much – it just feels like another thing I must add to my to do list!! I replied and said I’d been busy and that when she sends messages like that I feel guilty and stressed and she just replied and told me I was exaggerating and being silly.

I am fed up of the guilt trip and the belittling of my feelings when I voice them.

Any advice? I have told her how I feel before but she said I was being ridiculous.

Hi op mine much older more demanding. Their day their own loads spare time. I told her lately we trying work and keep it all going. I got in from school job today then took dog out. Then sort dinners. In her world its urgent urgent. I stopped pandering to it all

I don't think she is guilt tripping you. I think you are allowing yourself to feel like this because she has a nice life and you are busy all the time.
So what about the dog? What is there to get stressed about? A few messages unanswered and you feel stressed ??

You need to chill out a bit for your own sake.

I thought you were going to say she is demanding lifts and attention !

It stresses me out so much

You are in charge of this. Take responsibility for yourself.

Strict boundaries with her. She sounds hard work op...

Stop telling her how her behaviour makes you feel. She’s clearly not listening/caring. So actions speak louder than words..

1. Your house, your rules. You tell the dog to get down/off, each and every time. Let any whinging she might do about that go over your head. The dog will learn not to do that at your house and won’t think any less of you for telling it “no”.

1. Be less available. She rings and it’s not convenient for you, then ignore (but do ring back when it is convenient for you). Tell her you’re only checking social media at x time and x time each day because you’ve got other/better things to be doing with your time and it’s nothing personal.

1. Reply the next day saying sorry, I went to bed and switched my phone off because the social media pings keep waking me up and my sleep/health is suffering.

1. If she starts on with the belittling and telling you you’re being ridiculous just say “thank you” and shut the conversation down/start talking about something else.

Tell her!

The dog thing I think you need to say that if she can’t stick to your house rules the dog isn’t welcome.
Checking in- say that you will check in on a certain day (or days) at a certain time that works for you.
Do not feel guilty.

Are you the only (adult) child?

I can see why you feel irritated , as she is fit and healthy and has lots of free time she could be offering to help you as opposed to being a hindrance

Thanks is for the views... I have a sister who lives miles away so doesn't have the same treatment - she also has a young child so my mum cuts her more slack in terms of responding.

I do have my mum over every week for dinner at the weekend so we check in regularly, it's just the expectation of a response QUICKLY about the mundane things.

I'm probably over sensitive because I'm stressed in my general life and would like her to understand rather than add to my pressure

When you tell her you are stressed do you actually give her specifics or are you quite general ? Just wondering if she really hasn't got a clue what your daily life is like and maybe needs it spelling out to her ?

I told my mum I cant always get back to her straight away. Its the demanding/entitlement I dont like..