In short... we've been not getting on for a while. Over the last year I've become aware that he's being emotionally abusive (criticising everything, speaking to me like a child, and he's lost his temper a few times and been very explosive in with his anger - verbal - directed at me). Our relationship goes round in circles, getting better for a while then deteriorating. He does nothing around the house - just buries himself in projects (not always financially viable ones). He seems to have zero awareness of anything other than the project or task he's immersed in. We had an big argument last week which was the last straw for me but since then we've had DS at home so haven't had an opportunity to talk: I refuse to talk to him when the kids are here because it's never a sensible grown-up conversation and always turns into him telling me what the problem is and what I need to do to solve it.
With all this I've been making plans in my head as to how I will manage when we separate. As I say I've been avoiding him other than to exchange pleasantries about having a cup of tea etc. but he just came out in the car with me when I was about to pop out to get some lunch with DC. I said fine, come, but DC is in the car so you have to agree that we won't argue or discuss anything personal. No sooner is he in the car than he starts saying he thinks I'm losing my memory and need medication because I keep forgetting the "very important things" I need to do - which is patently not true. I asked him if he really meant that, stressed that we weren't having this kind of conversation right now with DC in the car, and that if he wasn't okay with that I would get out and go home. The rest of the journey was mostly in silence (shame because I was planning to spend a relaxing 1/2 hour with my DC).
I feel he's very controlling but has no awareness of this. I can't speak about anything because it gets thrown back at me. He is so rude about things, for example saying repeatedly this morning in a really patronising tone, "because you are phoning so-and-so aren't you? You said you would and you will, won't you?" then later raising it again in a tone that says I'm just reminding you about this important thing you said you'd do. This from the man who doesn't get up and take our children to school, or make anyone a meal ever (unless I go out and give him forewarning), or have the faintest idea about our finances, or take any responsibility for anything to do with the home and the family (washing, cleaning, etc.) I should add I run the entire home and am self-employed running two businesses, so not exactly sitting around empty-headed awaiting instructions!
Please help me see what is going on here and what I can do to protect myself and my relationship with my children when I finally find the right time for us to talk about separating. I feel a therapist would help, as someone for me to share my feelings with and gain clarity with them and also a record of what is happening here. Writing this all down I can see that it's really messed up so help me change things, please.