Online Dating: being “gazumped”?

[ButterfliesAWOL]

I’m a male poster (for context, not to mansplain!) and amazingly had a lovely woman contact me on online dating. Conversation was easy and fun and we quickly moved to WhatsApp then arranged a first date. First date also went well - we both seemed to click and fancy each other - and we agreed and arranged a follow up in a week’s time.

Chatted a little over weekend but now it feels things have dried up. Admittedly, it’s hard to know what to chat about and I don’t want to appear clingy, especially as we’ve a second date arranged in three days time. I can see she’s been on the OLD site though and WhatsApp.

I suppose I’m becoming aware that she’s lovely and (in my eyes) attractive and U’m aware women get flooded with offers. So I’m starting to think there’s probably a few “irons” she has in the fire and this could be a sign she’s maybe getting a bit more out of those than me now. There’s factors - I’ve got kids, she lives an hour away - which she’s said aren’t an issue but I can see that there’s probably plenty of charming enough guys who’ll come without that baggage. Or maybe just be someone she clicks with more than she clicked with me, who can keep chat flowing effortlessly, constantly.

So, just thought I’d see how many online daters have experienced being (for want of a better word) “gazumped” - basically getting beyond the first date with someone, things seeming to go well, but just someone else more suitable than yourself came along or they plumped for when they had to make a choice?

Why does this matter to you? Analysing why someone loses interest in you is a nonsense. There could be a million reasons, they're all personal to that person, the one who isn't going to be part of your life.

Focus on people who stay interested in and interesting to you.

You can't get gazumped: if the person finds someone else, they wouldn't have been right for you anyway, regardless of whether the someone else had come along when they did.

What you’re describing isn’t a thing as such, it’s what dating is! You’re not locked into anything after one or even a few dates. If you’re using a house analogy it’s like house hunting - sometimes you view one that rocks the boxes and you like it well enough, could even live there, but not quite enough to stop looking. And either you don’t find anything better or you do. That’s life. Dating isn’t about finding the one person who you can make stick to you forever, it’s about two people each making their own choices and hopefully they’ll fall in step together. A woman isn’t something to be “won” by a “higher bidder”, that’s just a way of doing yourself down and convincing yourself you have no power in the whole thing. Some people will be more attractive or interesting than you, that’s how it goes. But your brand of attractive and interesting might be just what someone else is looking for.

If you keep chatting and texting every day what will you have to talk about on your date? Stop the insecurity and self doubt. There could be a million reasons why the texts have dried up including your own behaviour subconsciously changing through insecurity and showing in your text or maybe you're becoming too clingy. You've only been on one date you might not even like her after the second. As an aside, many offers doesn't mean many good quality offers. She's an adult if she didn't want to date you because of your baggage she would've said or not gone on a date with you at all. Don't get too invested so early on. Distract yourself until your second date but do reply when she messages.

Put in your full and final offer via your solicitor.

Oh wait,

she’s a person, not a house.

—

Just be normal. Don’t game play and strategise your between date messaging. The date is the important part where you get to see if you like each other in person.

If someone more compatible comes along or something else happens to make her lose interest at an early stage then unfortunately that's just the nature of dating. You can't take it personally.

I think it's important to keep things pacy, regular in person dates so that you're getting to know each other in the real world. When this doesn't happen (often for genuine reasons as in one party is very busy), I've got to say my interest starts to fizzle.

Don't be desperately thinking of things to say before the date, just check in and say hi so the communication is live. The real development needs to happen in person.

OP, shit happens, people meet better matches. Gazumping isn't a thing because it's not a better offer, it's potentially a better fit, maybe even with a lower offer - who knows.

I know as a bloke you're fighting against the tide with online dating, but overanalysing one date with one woman, when she's potentially had 25 recently, to your one, is not looking at the big picture.

You're a moment in her life, whereas it sounds like she's a much bigger feature in yours right now.

So essentially, calm your tits and get back to swiping and doing things you find fun in the interim.

I like the word 'gazumped' used in this context.

So much nicer than 'cock-blocked'.

I don’t.
Women aren’t property.

Chatted a little over weekend but now it feels things have dried up

So, since the working week started? Or maybe she doesn't want to appear too keen in case you call off your 2nd date?

It sounds like you've almost convinced yourself she's met someone else on the basis of her texting less for the last, what, 36 hours?

Calm down and see how it goes on Friday!

She will talk to others, most people do until you've become exclusive. If you've seen her active online then I expect she has seen you online too. If she doesn't want another date, it's not worth analysing.

You've had ONE date. ONE. With the greatest respect - stop overthinking. You have a second date arranged. If she still wants to meet for the second date then presumably you're still one of her 'irons'!

Re conversation 'drying up' - maybe she's busy? Maybe she's waiting until you meet again.Why should she put all her eggs in one basket? Even if she actually really liked you?

If she is talking to other prospective dates, then so what? Again, you've had ONE date! Why should she put all her eggs in one basket? Even if she actually really liked you?

You didn't appear clingy in your messages, did you?

Repeated myself there - always good to labour a point!!

Just keep texting and chatting, that way if the better guy (even if there is one, there may not be) ends up a looser your still in the background.

Slow and steady wins the race!

This. I’m online dating at the moment and tbh the ones who are just steadily rolling along in the background will probably get the dates! The ones who are too full on, too keen, too much generally just scare me off. Someone who checks in every now and again to say hi, and asks me questions about myself are the ones that are more interesting to me.

Don’t sulk about it, just send her a message before the weekend asking what she’s up to. If she’s keen she’ll let you know she has some free time!

Theres no contract here and not even a relationship. You are both free not to continue to a second date. The first date is for introductions, not for planning your life together, so its hardly surprising if one party doesn't want to continue. It takes a lot to be compatible enough to progress.

In my experience though - men often mistake women being polite to them for attraction, not keen on men with kids, not bothered about an hour's drive, I tend to "dry up" on men I don't really fancy, don't like agreeing to a second date on the first date and might do so only to be polite but then cancel later. Equally, maybe she's just had a busy week and doesn't like a lot of text messages with someone she just met!

Well, this is my main issue with OLD.

In real life, you meet someone going about your everyday business, without specifically looking. You like them, you have a few dates, and that's that...you've got a bf/gf.

With OLD, you're constantly competing with other people who may or may not be better matches for the person than you are. Unlike real life, they're getting other options in front of their nose all day, every day. It's a stupid, ineffective way of dating. It stops people properly getting to know each other because there's a new shiny person, over and over.

Thanks everyone - and you’re quite right. People aren’t property and you’ve helped me get a sense of perspective. Think I’m just feeling a bit down because our first date went so well, there was chemistry and she was really eager to see me and keep in touch. But something’s shifted between then and our second date and can’t help feeling it’s likely another “iron” has entered the fire, as it were, and they suit her needs better.

@AchatAVendre not sure if you were replying to my OP, but in my case she very much instigated the second date and was, up until last few days, messaging me to find out how I was, etc. So feel not mistaking for politeness on this occasion.

Gazumping happens when you are trying to buy a house. A woman is not something you own.

Well I hope you have a lovely 2nd date.

It’s really hard for me to say!

To be honest, at the beginning I felt she was being more clingy if anything. So, I reciprocated a bit - things like texting to wish me goodnight and putting a couple of xs at the end. Do I felt obliged to respond in kind… now she’s dialing it back and only putting one “x”. Which, when I write this, does feel like over thinking stuff, but then again it does seem to suggest a certain easing off of things.

Apologies, to clarify she was texting me to say goodnight and putting a few xs at the end. I felt obliged to respond in kind. But now she’s dialing it back.

There is no point worrying about it. Just be yourself and if yourself is what she's looking for then great. Don't try to be something you're not to "win" a woman because you'll just be wasting both of your times.

Fair point. Yes I suppose it is a bit like being gazumped . These are the perils of OLD. I remember going on a first date with my now husband and clicking massively and having a cheeky kiss and going home on a huge high and then noticing he was online on the dating site. Felt deflated - but it was just human nature. We went ‘exclusive’ after our second date and both deleted our profiles. What I’m saying is don’t panic just yet or overthink it. If it’s meant to be its meant to be but don’t put her off by being too much. Gosh luck

I found out that texting at all hours after the first date didn’t make much sense to me. It was as if things had moved from the realm of the other person being some kind of “imaginary friend” to a “this person is real, an adult and we do not need to be texting like teens all the time” phase. It was all natural, didn’t mean we had lost interest (we are still together years later), we just adjusted communication to meet our needs to how we saw each other after properly meeting in real life when a 5 minutes call is preferable than dozens of texts a day.

Or you just weren't the right fit/she got the ick/whatever.

There doesn't even have to be any reason. She doesn't owe you anything.