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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I done in my marriage?

10 replies

likely · 14/06/2022 10:41

Dah doesn't appear to like, value or want to be around me. He's apparently happy in all areas apart from our relationship. I have lost my self esteem, confidence and feel useless and pointless. I am going through menopause and so maybe it's partly that...?

How do you know when it's done?

OP posts:
SinnermanGirl · 14/06/2022 11:02

You know. You probably my knew a very long time ago then pushed through and now you cannot see the wood for the trees.

Read back over your OP, if that was written by a friend, what would you advise her to do?

Also, ask yourself, do I want another 25 years of feeling like this?

Original poster
likely · 14/06/2022 11:26

SinnermanGirl · 14/06/2022 11:02

You know. You probably my knew a very long time ago then pushed through and now you cannot see the wood for the trees.

Read back over your OP, if that was written by a friend, what would you advise her to do?

Also, ask yourself, do I want another 25 years of feeling like this?

I don't want to continue like this but I can't figure out if it's the chicken or the egg...

This year has been tough, we've sold and moved into rented which I hate as I can't make any plans. Our lease is up in 3 months - we were supposed to have built by now. I don't know where we are going.

My children have mostly left home and where I used to be busy with them, I'm no longer. I used to work but we have joint businesses so it was never easy so I stopped.

I don't know what happened to me....

OP posts:
spagbog5 · 14/06/2022 11:31

I'm sorry op
That's really tough
Are you on Hrt as I felt exactly as you do and after being on it a very short while I started to feel like me again and even a better more confident me than I'd ever been .
Your marriage will need decisions to be made but you need to feel happy in yourself first - you dh can say what he likes but is he doing anything to work on the marriage or just you ?
Work on making you happy and then decide as it will be much clearer once you are in a better place .

sleepymum50 · 14/06/2022 11:50

I felt like this and had therapy. Once I had my feelings validated, I knew.

Bunty55 · 14/06/2022 11:54

When the lease is up, why can't you move into your own place for a while to get a rest from this and decide what you really want ? Take a short lease ?

Watchkeys · 14/06/2022 12:22

Have a think about why you're asking a forum about how you feel. Why isn't your own opinion enough for you? Why do you not respect your own opinion alone, when it comes to a major decision about your feeling and your life? Why do you think we'd know better than you about you?

You have some major self-disrespect going on here. Read your OP again: would you advise anybody you cared about to stay in a relationship like that?

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/06/2022 12:26

Sometimes a period of change and uncertainty can impact the way we view our relationship and you’ve got a lot of transition on your plate just now. Sometimes though the change and transition highlights areas where more change is needed. Personally I found that when I started articulating the concerns about my marriage, and giving myself space to listen to myself, it became clear it was over

mummymeister · 14/06/2022 12:34

The menopause seriously messes with your mental health. It made me feel anxious, continually worried, picked up on signals from friends and family that werent there etc. I had no idea that the mental effects were so much worse than the physical. I wouldnt call time on this just yet. get yourself sorted - what do you do with your time if you dont work and you dont have childcare responsibilities? At the moment you dont seem to have any sort of role, ambitions etc and this is what you need to work on first. getting yourself sorted out and your head in the right place.

Original poster
likely · 14/06/2022 14:17

mummymeister · 14/06/2022 12:34

The menopause seriously messes with your mental health. It made me feel anxious, continually worried, picked up on signals from friends and family that werent there etc. I had no idea that the mental effects were so much worse than the physical. I wouldnt call time on this just yet. get yourself sorted - what do you do with your time if you dont work and you dont have childcare responsibilities? At the moment you dont seem to have any sort of role, ambitions etc and this is what you need to work on first. getting yourself sorted out and your head in the right place.

I definitely need to do this. I need to claim something as mine. I just don't know what - even the thought of it seems overwhelming. My mental health is really bad, I am trying a lot but I don't know if it's because of my husband or if I'm depressed. I don't have any close friends to talk to about how I'm feeling and don't want to burden my parents. I have booked a therapist for tomorrow. I'm worried I'll spend the whole hour sobbing...

OP posts:
sleepymum50 · 14/06/2022 19:08

Hi, well I spent most of my first hour of sobbing, but managed to say enough to the therapist. I’d started off by saying that I was unhappy, but I didn’t know if it was because of my husband or if I was just such a mental mess I’d be unhappy whatever was going on.

After that first hour, she validated my feelings. There were things my husband did/said that made me unhappy, but he always turned it back and made it seem I was the one who had the problem, and he was just a poor helpless chap doing his best with a menopausal, deranged wife. I’d got to the point that I couldn’t trust my own feelings.

She helped me relearn to trust myself. Now I know it is my marriage that is making me unhappy. We are now separating. He is doing his best to make me feel guilty (but says he isn’t). I’ve spent a few weeks wracked with the guilt, and non stop nausea. But I’ve continued to see the therapist, and now the guilt has passed too. I feel like the most enormous weight is off my shoulders, and though the future is unknown, I’m actually feeling quite relaxed about it. I just know I’ll cope.

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