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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Toxic friend

21 replies

horseyhorsey17 · 14/06/2022 10:06

So I was hoping for a bit of advice on how to scale back a friendship. I'm splitting with my husband and late last year met a woman through a mutual group we're both involved in, who was also splitting with hers. She latched onto me and initially I thought she was fun, although it did ring some alarm bells that she said she'd 'lost touch' with all her friends and now I was her best friend(!).

Anyway, a few months down the line and I am struggling. She's narcissistic, needy, selfish, and steamrollers over everyone to get her own way. She's really only interested in me for someone to go out drinking with - which I don't even want to do, not with her anyway as she gets absolutely sh*tfaced and then I end up babysitting her - and although we're both getting divorced, expects me to support her through hers (and the idiotic decisions she keeps making about men) while not even asking me about mine. I have a lot of challenges in my life at the moment which she couldn't care less about.

I know this is mumsnet so you're probably all going to tell me to tell her just to eff off, but I can't, due to the fact we're both involved with this local group and therefore have to connect professionally on a regular basis. I need to turn this back into a working relationship rather than being friends, essentially.

OP posts:
catpoppet · 14/06/2022 10:09

what do the others in the group think of her? Is backing away from the group an option?

I guess you need to be less commital about replying to messages, meetups etc and she'll soon get bored.

Pinkbonbon · 14/06/2022 10:09

Just tell her you're busy. Every time she wants to go out. 'Can't, busy'.

No need to even go into what you're busy with.

horseyhorsey17 · 14/06/2022 10:12

Backing away isn't an option because it's something I am passionate about (don't want to say what in case it's outing, don't know why I am being so paranoid but there it is).

OP posts:
horseyhorsey17 · 14/06/2022 10:16

Yes. This is the thing to do, isn't it?

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 14/06/2022 10:17

Just say no. So she asks, "Can we go for a drink later". No, sorry, busy tonight. "Can we meet at the weekend". No, sorry not this weekend, busy. "Fancy nipping for a drink". No, sorry can't today, busy. Just keep saying no politely and she'll eventually get the message

Foxgluv · 14/06/2022 10:19

If you have to connect professionally then try hard to keep it to that. Give her less and less of the personal side of you. Take longer to reply to her, don't meet up to socialise, don't give an inch of you so she can take a mile. Hold back where you can.
She'll latch onto the next person soon enough.

horseyhorsey17 · 14/06/2022 10:20

My problem is that I've been too soft. She has no boundaries so will invite herself to my house even if I've specifically said I am tired and don't want to see anyone, so I need to be firm about saying no and not giving into nagging. It's like being in an actual relationship (apart from the physical side) but with a partner you know you've got to dump.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 14/06/2022 10:31

It's not her that has no boundaries, OP, it's you. She's perfectly entitled to do whatever she wants, as long as she's not breaking the law. I mean, you're saying she's coming to your house even when you have literally told he not to, which means she is literally, physically, crossing your boundary, and that's because you open the door, and you let her come in, even though you don't want her to.

Tell her you're cutting back on drinking, so that rules out having to be with her/deal with her when she's drunk. Don't go drinking with her.

If she comes to your house, either don't open the door, or tell her 'I want to be on my own'. If you tell her you don't want to see anyone, she can over ride that in her head by thinking she's not 'just anyone'.

It's easier to enforce your boundaries if you don't make it personal. 'I can't be around you when you're drunk' will be received very differently from 'I don't want to be around people when they're drinking at the moment'

Just withdraw from her. Keep it civil.

Dacquoise · 14/06/2022 10:32

Sounds like she used to getting her own way. You have my sympathy. Best method is the broken record technique. "I'm coming over for coffee" , "Sorry that's not convenient " on repeat. Don't explain or give excuses because she'll try to get round you. If she turns up, don't answer the door. I think you're going to have to be blunt with this one.

Didsomeonesaydogs · 14/06/2022 10:38

Look up grey rock technique.

It can be hard at first setting boundaries, particularly if you’re a people-pleaser type like I am. But if she tries to come over unannounced either don’t open the door, or walk straight past her and say you’re on your way out to an appointment.

Once she finds someone else to latch onto she won’t bother you any more.

horseyhorsey17 · 14/06/2022 10:51

Didsomeonesaydogs · 14/06/2022 10:38

Look up grey rock technique.

It can be hard at first setting boundaries, particularly if you’re a people-pleaser type like I am. But if she tries to come over unannounced either don’t open the door, or walk straight past her and say you’re on your way out to an appointment.

Once she finds someone else to latch onto she won’t bother you any more.

Yes unfortunately I am a people pleaser, which is how I've got into this situation despite my instincts warning me off!

The truth actually is that I don't want to go out drinking, least of all in rubbish tacky pubs, I'm not interested in 'pulling' younger men (can't think of anything I want less tbh) like she is, but for some reason I seem to lack the cohones to stop myself being dragged out on bloody awful nights out. I am not normally a wuss but I've been struggling a bit myself with my mental health, which hasn't helped, and then these ghastly nights out make me feel worse. OK, right, I definitely need to (wo)man up about this and stop letting my boundaries (and self-respect tbh) be trampled all over.

OP posts:
Nopetryagain · 14/06/2022 10:53

Tell her you have found God

sleepymum50 · 14/06/2022 10:53

Can you tell you are giving up drinking.

Also is there any interest or hobby you can feign an interest in that you know she doesn’t like.(Jehovah’s witness/trans activist/pro life etc).

I know it’s easy for an outsider to tell you to just say no. Can you strategise and take it in small steps to get to where you want to be. An imaginary boyfriend, sick relative etc.

It doesn’t have to be a once only thing. Decide that in 3 or 6 months she will be out of your life. Rehearse answers to all her attempts to involve you.

MadeForThis · 14/06/2022 11:08

Invent a new boyfriend and say your always busy with him.

Watchkeys · 14/06/2022 11:19

MadeForThis · 14/06/2022 11:08

Invent a new boyfriend and say your always busy with him.

Ridiculous game. Creating a whole bunch of drama down the line when friend starts wondering where boyfriend is/why he's never been seen/why nobody else has heard of him.

Eastenders style drama. There's no need to lie, OP.

SailingNotSurfing · 14/06/2022 11:24

She's using you.

I would be honest and tell her that babysitting her on a night out when she's had too much to drink is really annoying you.

Next time she suggests something, just say I can't, no excuse as to why not, just no. If she calls round, grab your jacket as you open the door and step outside, close the door behind you.

There's a reason why her previous friends have all drifted away.

horseyhorsey17 · 14/06/2022 11:38

Nopetryagain · 14/06/2022 10:53

Tell her you have found God

LOL! It may yet come to that.

OP posts:
horseyhorsey17 · 14/06/2022 11:41

SailingNotSurfing · 14/06/2022 11:24

She's using you.

I would be honest and tell her that babysitting her on a night out when she's had too much to drink is really annoying you.

Next time she suggests something, just say I can't, no excuse as to why not, just no. If she calls round, grab your jacket as you open the door and step outside, close the door behind you.

There's a reason why her previous friends have all drifted away.

Oh yes, I know she is. She's not interested in me as a person in the slightest. (She's not actually really interested in anyone other than herself though - I think she is a classic narcissist. Only sees people in terms of how useful they are, or not, to her and doesn't think of them as fully human).

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 14/06/2022 11:49

If she's like that then you have to be really firm with her. No you don't want to go out, no you won't be in for a chat etc. She'll latch on to someone new, don't worry.

Didsomeonesaydogs · 14/06/2022 14:15

Nopetryagain · 14/06/2022 10:53

Tell her you have found God

😂😂 you win the internet today

FatArse123 · 14/06/2022 14:21

I'd like to second the 'found God' suggestion. That's genius.

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