To ask advice about clingy gossiping friend? Should I tell her or not?

[ohHellothere22]

Could do with some advice as this is really stressing me out.

So I (29 F mum of 4) and friend (24 F mum of 3) made friends at the school gates.

We got on really well until she randomly ghosted me. I held a Halloween party over lockdown (I know I know but that's old news) for mine and her DC as they were sad they couldn't do anything.
The following Halloween we were all supposed to go out together and she ditched me and my DC last second to take someone else's DC.
My DC were devastated and she even knocked on my door to add salt to the wound to my DC.

After that she completely blanked me for 6 months for no reason as I didn't even bring up Halloween to her. I reached out to her a few times and had radio silence. This was the start of her behaviour changes to me.
She eventually messaged me again asking to meet up. Blaming her mental health. I agreed hoping to be the bigger person.

Her bad behaviours continued. Inviting herself to my home. (Never once stepped foot in her home or been invited anywhere.) Expecting me to continue to help her with money troubles like I did before (but this time I wised up and wouldn't help.) not listening to me talk or giving me the chance to talk and using me as a sounding board. Not supporting me through the anniversary of my child's death, she knew the date and completely ignored it and acted like it never happened. Ignored my birthday despite me baking her a cake and having a little thing at mine for it.
Gossiping about her friends to me constantly every single time, even once telling me something very personal about someone in front of them to me. (I could tell they was mortified as they don't know me - and I apologised afterwards to them!) then complaining she has no friends not seeing her behaviours of gossiping is pushing everyone away.
She stepped up her intense behaviour.
Her DH is friends with my DH, she was supposed to see me last week but I was unwell being sick so cancelled (yes I know I'm not 100 percent innocent in this) and she immediately kicked off and stopped her DH seeing mine saying it wasn't fair he gets to go out but she doesn't. - we know this as her DH told mine to try and get me to invite her over to defuse her behaviour.

This latest behaviour made me feel extremely suffocated and very very uneasy. She kept messaging me about her problems and troubles, despite knowing I'm going through a lot myself yet I choose not to talk about it and just try and get on with it. She'll ask how I am and completely dismiss it to talk about her problems.
She also knows stress makes me very unwell and despite even my
DH telling her this she still unloads onto me.

Last time she was here she also got onto the subject of chronic illnesses, knowing full well I have several that are very deliberating for me and can fully disable me most days. Saying that those with chronic illnesses just have to get on with it and push through the pain, it was a dig at me as I told her I had been physically sick before she came over but she still turned up wanting to see me.

All these behaviours are now making me very anxious, she tried to invite herself round yesterday again but I made an excuse and now I don't know what to do.

Do I explain to her about all these behaviours putting me off her? Or do I try and let it go? The thought of her coming round stresses me out that much I'm getting physical symptoms of anxiety.

The birthday thing was I made her a cake and has a thing at mine for HER birthday not mine sorry not very clear!

She sounds like an awful friend I would ease back.

She's a really awful friend. I'm so sorry you lost your daughter- what a terrible friend she is to not acknowledge her anniversary.

I'd have as little to do with her as possible and I'd tell your husband not to pass on your personal information to her husband, too.

All these behaviours are now making me very anxious, she tried to invite herself round yesterday again but I made an excuse and now I don't know what to do.

You need to brace up, steel yourself & STOP making excuses.

She's given you SO VERY MUCH ammunition over the years, it will be simple to achieve. Not easy, obviously - but very simple.

"I don't want you coming over because you will piss me off, giving out ignorant opinions about my medical conditions."

"I don't want to see you, I'm tired of your constant gossip about other people"

"I don't want to see you, it's a one-way street & I'm not well enough to handle the stress of your problems on top of my own."

The main problem though, isn;t your 'friend'.
It's why you have tolerated her for so long.
Are you scared of pissing your DH off because of his friendship with her H? - I note how her H tried to palm her off on you when the men were meeting up.
Or are you just naturally unassertive?

Either way, instead of making excuses - you need to Name The Behaviour.
"I'm too tired to listen to your gossip today Linda, leave it til next week."
"I'm feeling unwell today & don't want a repeat performance of your callous ignorance of what my conditions actually mean in my life."

Just name it.
She'll be so pissed off she'll flounce - sorted.
She'll gossip about it to anyone who will listen, but why would you care - you know she's already doing that anyway?
You need to stop giving a shit about what she thinks, what her H - who wants to palm her off on you - thinks, SAY WHAT YOU MEAN about why you don't want to see her - & relax & enjoy the peace when she's flounced out of your life.

You don't need her in your life. It sounds like she's using you.
You are better off without her.

Thank you.
I've tried to ease off before this, but I get guilt tripped with she has no friends why does nobody like her etc. even head off DH that he can't see her DH as she's stopping him from coming out and doing things as she can't go out and then I feel awful and like it's my fault and for her DHs sake I need to continue to see her even though she knows the times she wants to come round are inconvenient for me as it's usually when I need to put DC to bed and she'll just sit here for hours not getting the hint to leave.

I'm extremely introverted and private, I do have a few other friends but none have ever behaved in the way she has before so surely it cannot be me?

How do you know it was a daughter? Genuinely confused.

This is not someone you need to have much to do with IMO, dial it right down, just be 'busy' or 'tired' or 'just on my way to the dentist' or anything to have less to do with her.

You owe this person nothing but basic respect and politeness. They are a frenemy.

You're right she has given me plenty of ammunition over the years and I should be direct with her.
But she goes on and on about her mental health even using it as an excuse to be cruel to others that I get worried what if she does something silly due to what I say to her and then that's on my shoulders.

But she's not respecting me or my wishes or boundaries at all. She's extremely intense it's gotten to the point where I've switched my phone off a lot of the time to avoid her texts/messages. I need to stand up and tell her straight for my own peace of mind.

I'm extremely introverted and private, I do have a few other friends but none have ever behaved in the way she has before so surely it cannot be me?
It kind of is you, because you are not telling her to fuck off.
I know - that is a step too far for you! - but you absolutely need to find the courage to tell her to wind her neck in & stop demanding so much of you. You anxiety is spiralling just thinking about her visiting you - that is no way to live.

I've tried to ease off before this, but I get guilt tripped with she has no friends why does nobody like her etc.
"You pissed them all off by gossiping & guilt tripping them, so now you are guilt-tripping me. Stop it, it's not going to work. I will see you next week, & not before - got to go now, BYE"

even head off DH that he can't see her DH as she's stopping him from coming out and doing things as she can't go out and then I feel awful and like it's my fault and for her DHs sake I need to continue to see her
This is a bit hard to follow - do you mean your DH is pressuring you to see her?
Tell him how you feel!
Ask for his help & support in fending her off. She is making you miserable, he should be defending you & helping you avoid her!

even though she knows the times she wants to come round are inconvenient for me as it's usually when I need to put DC to bed and she'll just sit here for hours not getting the hint to leave.
Why are you even allowing this?
"Linda - how many more times? You know damn well that 7pm is bed routine time. I'm busy with my kids, I cannot see you."
"NO Linda YOU CANNOT COME ROUND I am busy with the kids' routine."
"Linda - I'm obviously being too polite for you to understand, so I'm going to spell it out once more & expect you to remember - you cannot come round at 7pm, I am busy with my kids."

When she DOES come round? - Stop hinting.
I have a pal like this - the difference being that he is a great pal, who I love dearly. So when he outstays his welcome, I've learned to lead him to the front door & tell him it's time to go now. He takes it all in good part - & cheerfully goes.
"Linda, I'm going to get ready for bed now/read my book/wind down & chill - it's time for you to go."

It is you OP, this is your situation that has escalated to the point where you feel responsible for another adult's feelings and trapped. You are also making her responsible for your own feelings of anxiety which is unreasonable. Try to find a way to accept that this relationship has turned into a dog's dinner and pick your way out of it. Your partner can find other friends, and you perhaps could do with some therapy and a bit of time to reassess how much you are willing to give to other people and why it is so hard to just be honest about how you feel. You are allowed to just voice how you feel. To anyone.

Yes your right it is me. I need to be honest and tell her how she's making me feel.

No not my DH, her DH is asking MINE to tell me to invite her over to defuse the situation as she goes mad apparently and starts being physically and mentally abusive telling him to go kill himself etc over me not having her round. I know this is not my problem but I feel guilty for her DH for having to put up with that behaviour.

Now I've typed that and read it back to myself it sounds quite insane and not normal at all.

I'm going to tell her I don't want to see her currently until she stops with the gossiping and bad behaviours like bad mouthing my illnesses and telling me how to live my life and expecting me to put her before my own DC and wellbeing. No doubt it will piss her off enough to stop talking to me completely.

Shes nasty and emotionally abusive to you.
Using you as an emotional punch bag to make herself feel better.
Dont JADE
Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain
Step away, block her now.

Her husband can walk away too. You are not responsible for that situation either. He chooses to stay. Given what she apparently says if you don't have her over to yours, you really want this person as a friend? This is really where you want to put the bar for friendships in your life? Have you ever embraced not having a friend? Or just walking away from someone without explaining why?

No not my DH, her DH is asking MINE to tell me to invite her over to defuse the situation as she goes mad apparently and starts being physically and mentally abusive telling him to go kill himself etc over me not having her round

WTAF!!!
This is deranged.
Please go NC with this woman, its not going to get any better.
If she harrasses or contacts you then inform the police.

No not my DH, her DH is asking MINE to tell me to invite her over to defuse the situation as she goes mad apparently and starts being physically and mentally abusive telling him to go kill himself etc over me not having her round.
Then her needs to call the police, or a DA agency for men - www.mankind.org.uk/ - next time he tires to fob his wife off on you, send him that link, or tell him the phone number.
You are not their bloody whipping boy OP.
It's outrageous he thinks you are the go-to person for mopping up his wife's unpleasantness.

I know this is not my problem but I feel guilty for her DH for having to put up with that behaviour.
Well ... you clearly DON'T really know it's not your problem.
Or you would not be so daft as to feel guilt about something that is not your fault.

Take it from me - SHE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
You would be perfectly reasonable, next time she calls with her uncomfortable demands, to tell her that you are exhausted & need a break, & are not seeing friends for a couple of weeks.
Then just keep batting her back.
You shouldn't be feeling guilt. You should be feeling enraged. This woman walks all over you. Look at how many friends she's lost - you're just the latest one in a line of people she's pissed off beyond endurance.

What's the worst that could happen, if you told her to just piss off?

Well our sons our friends, the only thing that would be bad is the comments again. Last time she ghosted me her son kept saying to mine "our mums aren't friends anymore. I'm not allowed round your house." Etc.
When I had reached out and asked him over for a play date but she ignored me. That's the only worse thing that can happen as it upset my son (he's only little) but he has plenty of other friends I can invite over so I guess in reality it's not that bad of a thing and my DH has other friends too, he's sick of the whole situation too of his friend being held to ransom and really does not like her.

I'm not going to say anything until she messages and then I will tell her straight. I'm going to stand up for myself, ive done it with family and gone no contact for similar type reasons so I know I have it in me.
Sod the anxiety I need to stand up for myself. This isn't my problem. You're all very very right thank you.